glimpsed on gleaming
distant misty ballerina
glides on brittle glass;
light gleams across
Mast of sailing ship
slips past, clipping
headland of papier
Lit cigarette clouds up
Black ash slashes
grey smoke -
a shroud, tarred, yellow.
shudders the swan,
falls off table top
cliff, trodden underfoot,
careless cigarette end
drains the silver lake.
Sun switched off.
boring down on
a bedroom shore.
1 May 05
Rated 7.3 (8.8) by 3 users.
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A little world in miniature; a metaphor for the big world and the way you sustain this all the way through is great - good move from the peace of the sibilant 's' to the disquieting 'k's and 'b's of the last two stanzas.
Wonderful, vivid imagry. Gives me something to look up to.
I like this. The way you have this written is flawless. It flows, nicely. Good work.
Thanks,your comment is much appreciated
WOW!! amazing,........i like the way u use metaphors to represent what is goin on in the bedroom shore! quite amazing
This is so good, can't believe it's been here for over a year and I missed it.
I find the sounds very soothing, although I would not try to read it aloud in front of anyone! Tongue twisting but very musical. The last line made me hurt suddenly.
I hid it away cus i lost the original draft when the house burned down but i rebuilt it as a bungalow out of Lego bricks and reforged the poem and posted it especially for someone of taste and discernment to read.
Larry waiting game Lark
Thanks for the positive response.
Larry in flames lark
What a stunning opening - 'Glissando swan'.
The whole poem is great, perfectly worded.
Thanks, Will x