| Blow
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themolly
| "Cocaine is a powerful drug." -Rick James
| I must swim out, onward and far from this | 1 |
pedestal of a pompous narcissist. | 2 |
Though a taste of it could get you far, | 3 |
too much and you've moistened your spark | 4 |
into a coal lump mistaken for dirt, | 5 |
a black chunk of nondescript earth. | 6 |
No longer a flame aglow in the chest. | 7 |
No longer the beacon within your breast. | 8 |
A shapeless mass atrophied | 9 |
from divine beginnings. | 10 |
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8 May 05 |
Rated 7.3 (6.4) by 8 users.
Active (8): 7, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 8, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(51 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
i like this. it took me a couple reads to get it. very nice. the flow is very tight. i would eliminate L8. it just is repeating the line before. over all GRRRRReat job!
— SweetPain
i like the way u spelt baligerant so as to help us realize that you are unequivocally an ass
— unknown
Line 2 sounds like you had a dinner date with a dictionary and thesaurus. It kind of loses the rythem with line 10. It seems to short. Doesnt quite fit in there.
Not bad.
— InMyBlood
I do adore the dictionary and the thesaurus...however, we do not dine together :)
— themolly
hows about decapitalizing "Earth" in l6, just to show how nondescript it is? i liked this a lot, the last 4 lines are particularly good.
— Catbox
good idea. I had originally written it that way in my journal...but decided to capitalize in editing. I think I'll change it back.
— themolly
I love the flow in this poem
— HeidiHo
line 11 was excellent.
— unknown
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
— themolly
jackasses need not comment.
— themolly
good work. much said in a small space.
— Bloodfetish
Thanks man.
— themolly
i love it. it flows so nicely i could imagine myself reciting part of it.
— aeturnus
I love the way you've described -excess.
7-8 feel over-used to me, especially in light
of how cool and unique the rest of the poem is-
I like what those lines (no pun intended ;-) do for the piece,
but maybe word it in another way.
Anyway, nice work. I'm impressed.
— Krttika
You went from 'me' to 'you'...I would continue with 'me'. ie:
Though some of it could get you (me) far, 3
most of it moistens your (my) spark &nb sp; 4
Don't like the use of 'flame' and 'beacon' in l7 and 8.
Sam xx
— unknown
SAM~I was trying to relay my own experience into advice for others...as far as going from me to you. Normally, I abide by that rule, but this time, I wanted to try and bend it. What could I use instead of flame & beacon...fire, force, movement....? HELP
AETURNUS~Thank you so much. This has become a sort of background mantra for me.
KRTTIKA~What do you think I should do about 7 & 8? (They felt a tad used for me as well.) I definitely want to retain their value, but I'd love some suggestions.
— themolly
Yep - got it. But it sounds preachy (no offense). If you kept it personal, folks would pick up on that aspect anyway.
Not sure what you could use to replace 'flame aglow' and 'beacon' - to me, there are just....that 'C' word.
These are just personal ops.
Sam xx
— unknown
um, ok. If you think of anything else let me know :)
— themolly
I would really like some suggestions to improve L 7 & 8. Please give me your best!
— themolly
please
— themolly
sweet.
— unknown
takes a lot of ones to drag all my shit down, doesn't it?
— unknown
THIS ONE IS REALLY GREAT, CORI
— BoundFeet
mmmm that's really nice
— tiedtoes
This is awesome! Awesome awesome awesome!
L 4-8 are wicked! I love the visuals! Awesome awesome!
— JessieVideo
You are too kind, my lovely. I just watched the special features of THE CHAPPELLE SHOW. There's a lot of extra pieces of the Rick James interview that never aired! OH MAN. I laughed so hard I am still in pain.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
— themolly
Isn't it funny what inspires us sometimes? :)
— JessieVideo
I wrote this before watching that. It just reminded me of it.
My time as a coke-whore inspired this!
— themolly
ahhhh. Ok. Now i like it more.
— JessieVideo
Its got promise but the tone is too stiff and high falutin' which makes it come over as just a bag of nice sounding words .L3 is just too much of a mouthful,try finding simpler ways to express what are very interesting ideas.
— larrylark
OK-changes GALORE!!!!
What'da think?
— unknown
oh mi go.d....
I'm Rick James Bitch!
oh man.....
— unknown
she's a very freaky girlllllllllllll. the kind you don't take home to mutha
— unknown
yay for yayo
— unknown
first of... cocaine=yum :)
get rid of line 7 maybe. i liked 'beacon within your breast' because it's subtle just like the rest of it, suggestive...
nice work...
— unknown
i like line 12 better than line 11
— unknown
thanks folks
— unknown
Good quote at the beginning that works with the poem. Nice rhyme in seven, eight.
— Hear
This is excellent and I particularly was drawn in my the Rick James quote. So sad that a man of his talent(s) would go out on such a silly note ("I'm Rick James, bitch!") when he could have been remembered by much greater contributions (namingly Teena Marie's discovery,) but alas, he was not. His last performance at the 2004 B.E.T. awards in which he duetted with Teena doing "Fire and Desire" revealed how cruel time and drug addiction can be. His voice, as well as his once thriving vibratto were no more. I think it would breathe a lot better without L's 7&8, but it's your poem and you know what effect you're after. Thanks!
— starr
Tedious and boring.
— unknown
thanks hear and starr. f u unknown. that was a comment with no merit or purpose.
— themolly
no.
— themolly
ok. why is it tedious?
— themolly
Very well said!
I had a simlar experience, and you touched me.
— unknown
thanks
— themolly
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