| stuttering, silly, shy sam
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aeturnus
| they're right | 1 |
whenever they say how | 2 |
you're not my type of girl | 3 |
you don't look like them | 4 |
or talk like them | 5 |
hell, you barely | 6 |
walk, like them | 7 |
your hair is not | 8 |
the right color, at all | 9 |
and your breasts | 10 |
are a bit large | 11 |
for my usual taste | 12 |
you don't have a precarious | 13 |
way to lick your lips | 14 |
or some nuance | 15 |
for me to | 16 |
fall in love with | 17 |
i don't try | 18 |
to penetrate, your mind | 19 |
when i'm with you, to | 20 |
find your motives | 21 |
or, manipulate you | 22 |
when i'm away | 23 |
from you, i don't | 24 |
find myself thinking | 25 |
of you, or, catching myself | 26 |
wishing, to be with you | 27 |
so when it comes | 28 |
right on down to it | 29 |
i think, that's why | 30 |
i want to | 31 |
fall in love | 32 |
with you | 33 |
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9 May 05 |
Rated 8 (8.6) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(73 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I like this. It has a real easy flow to it and makes perfect sense on an emotional level. The punctuation is odd. I'm not sure if it enhances or detracts from the general flow, although I have a feeling it's intentional and self-conscious.
L7, comma after walk - does she barely walk? and is her hair not the right colour like them? Did you intend this ambiguity of meaning? Maybe you did.
L19 intentional comma after penetrate? to stress other meanings??
L22 why the comma after or? same in line 26
L30 comma after think - this sort of works for me because the comma suggests the ability to think (rather than to feel) is protecting you from love
Anyway, I really enjoyed this, just a few oddities over punctuation.
— smugzy
Oh yes, I'm not too sure about the title. It detracts from the description within the body of the poem for me. Something less direct?
— smugzy
i'm sorry, the punctuation was completely intentional. i was hoping that it'd be much more explicit that it was not for grammar but for measure, for emphasis. that is, i hoped you would read it outloud and pause at the end of lines and at commas to hear sort of a stuttering silly man :)
but nonetheless, i'm glad you enjoyed it :)
— aeturnus
I really really REALLY like this.
— themolly
thank you! :) that was my first 10 :)
— aeturnus
Great love poem. Has a feel of "All I Really Want To Do" by Bob Dylan
— larrylark
you know, i feel kinda ashamed that i dont know that song. but then, i'm not really much of a music guy -- i'll check it out. thanks :)
— aeturnus
some people really hate things made out of leftovers, some people don't, hey ho.
— Kauf
I'd really love to see specific imagery, there are a lot of generalizations like "you're not my type of girl", "you don't look like them", you're hair is not the right color" but the reader never gets to see this atypical girl. What type is she? In what way does she not look like the girls the speaker is used to hanging out with? As a reader, I'm left lost and I have trouble connecting with the voice because it doesn't sound believable enough. Please don't think that I'm bashing your poem because I'm not, I think it's well written and has very nice rhythm but I do think that you need to work on it a bit more.
— redsky
I think the abstact value it has is the point. What does it matter what the girl actually looks like? It's the fact that she's not the usual type that's interesting him.
but I could be completely off -- that's just what i extracted from the poem, when I read it.
— astrophel
Subject-Verb Agreement lines 3-7. Type of girl = 3rd person singular= her
— unknown
i wasn't a big fan of l10-l12..I don't think it sounds like the same person, and it loses its credibility for that reason...13-onwards is much stronger
— mr_e
"Subject-Verb Agreement lines 3-7. Type of girl = 3rd person singular= her
– unknown "
there's no problem in those lines. Ignore him. Obviously he's not seeing through the lack of punctuation for what is really being said here.
— unknown
this is absolutely amazing.
i am in love with it.
— pull_my_hair
I wanted to like this poem.
— Meep
this is so cheesy and bad. i don't understand why this is rated highly at all.
— username
actually i hate lines 3-7 as well!
the problem with 10-12 for me is that its not honest speak...whoever says: "your breasts are a bit large for my usual taste"? It just feels wrong....I hope you understand. Besides 13 onwards is for me much more interesting and honest, and says all that is in the first part anyway....
i'd suggest you scrap lines 4-12- or even lines 1-12, and begin with "and you don't have a precarious...."
for me its less structured but stronger and more pleasing to the eye.
— mr_e
this is great, really i love everything about this poem including the punctuation, perfectly done. wow i really really like this poem....a lot.
— youreapoem
I was thrown a bit by the seemingly oddly placed commas, but then I read your comments and realised they were intentional. Having a sister who stutters badly (and suffers terribly for it by cruel remarks and jokes from insensitive people), I hope you are not making fun of people who stutter, but rather are trying to portray the stammerings of someone shy or lost for words. I think you are, and if that's the case, then I like it.
— marionette
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