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Insomniac
SteelAngel

Time leaks through the floorboards.
 1
The drops splatter on the basement floor.
 2
The clocks rain down their minutes;
 3
I drown in their downpour.
 4
 
 
The showers of the hours
 5
overflow landfills of potential;
 6
the drizzle of unused seconds
 7
pollutes the air as I inhale.
 8
 
 
If only we had seen
 9
the flowing of the years -
 10
all the wasted words unsaid
 11
so many unshed tears.
 12
 
 
The nothings that live within us
 13
that grow through all the times
 14
when we let them leech our souls
 15
from out behind our eyes.
 16
 
 
Perhaps . . .
 17
 
 
for mere seconds worth
 18
our wills would have stopped the leak
 19
and given us a loan of time
 20
to take the release we seek -
 21
 
 
to defy the lie that time whispers
 22
with the second hand's every tick:
 23
"Don't worry about the moment lost
 24
For with time, there's always more of it."
 25
 
 
And so I waste these hours
 26
staring blankly at the ceiling
 27
willing myself to fall asleep
 28
trying to cease my mind's endless reeling
 29
 
 
and I listen to the whisper
 30
of droplets of decades dripping around me
 31
and try not to fight the drowning
 32
into the wasted time that surrounds me
 33

12 May 05

Rated 8.5 (8.7) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 7, 7, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

oooh... i love the image of dripping time.  
For some reason it brings to mind that Salvadore Dali painting. (http://www.postershop.com/Dali-Salvador/Dal i-Salvador-The-Persistence-Of-Memory-Detail-870024 1.html)
 — jerotich

oops, i mean this link: http://www.postershop.com/Dali-Salvador/Dali-Sa lvador-La-persistenza-della-memoria-7700016.html
 — jerotich

okay, nevermind, the link won't work.  Look for "The Persistence of Memory" if you don't know which painting I mean.
 — jerotich

Bravo!
 — unknown

actually, that's a good image for it jeritoch. thanks you and unknown for the comments.
 — SteelAngel

I really like this.
Some suggestions, though, if you're open:
You seem to lose your flow after Perhaps ... It just didn't have the same effect of rhythm as you had in the first part.
I know you are rhyming with been, but I would change the expression to "absorb," as it makes it smoother.
Overall: I liked this. I think you could probably add a little more, though. Just a little, I think. It might be a little too simple.
I like this, though. Good poem.
 — Hear

And maybe ... maybe you could change "Insomiac's Poem" to "Insomiac's Dream." It might help you focus more.
Just a possibility.
Good luck.
 — Hear

which expression to absorb?
 — SteelAngel

"Take in."
Sorry to confuse you. :(
 — Hear

wow I read it three times bfore it really hit me I kept telling myself I was missing something that you had written specifically for me (I mean that broadly) the one thing meant to make people go wow and then it came lines 24 and 25 reallymade me think about well everything.. for that alone I say a big fat resounding 10
 — turtlepoet

downpour was totally predictable for me.
as was the atrocious meter.

Tighten this.  It has potential.
 — unknown

extended metaphor of rain rhyming with floor. sometimes when you see something coming, it's not because it sucks, but because it fits.
 — SteelAngel

this is especially poignant for one of my years. i am now 63 and still think as i did when i was in my twenties. i sometimes look in the mirror and wonder" where did this old man come from?". time is a precious commodity and we waste it as young people. life is to be embraced and lived to the fullest. carpe diem little one. your time is now. good thoughtful work
 — coodaygraw

I rate this poem the HIGHEST score, because it moves me to the HIGHEST degree.  The language, the words, the mood, the whole "insomnia" theme is there right down the the water dripping, keeping one awake.  Very good.  BTW...there's Tylenol PM which I find sometimes to be helpful, especially the night prior to working a 12 hour shift.  Excellent poem.  How about just calling it "Insomniac?"  We already know it's a poem.  It's awesome!  Happy Holidays.
 — starr

The only thing that throws me off is the format.
 — unknown

gorgeus poem. i can relate for i have a small case of insomnia myself and this really captures the feel of sleep procrastination in a way. bravo.
 — sodapop

Sweet.
 — Hear

Actually, it's bitter, if one is referring to the content. As for my opinion of the content, I find this poem sweet, at least regarding perfection.
 — Hear

love it...definitely know what it's like being an insomniac.  my fav lines are 30 and 31.
 — neriknak

thats was fucking good.i can relate with the insomina thing.
 — bloodstained

the poem has the sense of insomnia, but it's entirely a cliche.  if you were to develop an interesting take on insomnia, then maybe you could avoid that.  also, there is a good deal of meandering here, if you want to make a comment on 3 different feelings, maybe do it in three poems.  in this work, each comment is lost in the other, leaving it empty.
strip it down to one emotion or feeling, and identify it through unique imagery.
 — axdxaxm

the meandering is on purpose. that's what your thoughts do when you can't sleep . . . thoughts roam, and usually not to very happy places, at least for me. the point is that, "wow, this is a waste of time i could be using on sleep, but i can't" and as for cliche, i've never seen another poem that compares the time wasted on insomnic thoughts being compared to water/rain, so i don't know how you figure that one.
 — SteelAngel

I find it too long for the point.  I think you could condense this and it would be stronger as a poem.  
 — Isabelle5

as for the cliches, i was simply looking at things like, "clocks rain down" is a Dali reference, which isn't necessarily bad, but it is worn territory.  also things like "waste of time" is more hackney language than cliche, but my sentiment is the same.
 — axdxaxm

i thought the clocks in Dalis painting were melting, honestly, the painting was not at all an inspiration for this. and i changed line 33 so maybe it won't be so awkward. what do you think?
 — SteelAngel

Love it-thanks for posting
 — Trish77

  I loved the theme.  I can trully relate. esp. line 29
nice work.
 — keving

fab
 — ProzacNation

how would you defy that lie in that "loan of time" you ask for?
 — unknown

haha. i'd probably take a nap.
 — SteelAngel

Wow. I find this a wonderful explanation of insomnia.
I felt the need to read it because it is 6 am, and I haven't slept yet. aka, I'm a major insomniac...
I really love the way you write. It's beautiful.
 — Porcelain_Lo

Judging by the amount of people that have this as a favorite, it must be good I'm not even going to read it. 9/10
 — Henry

thank you so much Porcelain for your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And Henry, while the rating is nice, I think most poets write to be read, and not just for a number rating.
 — SteelAngel

oh yea, and finally changed "take in" to inahle in line 8, which also changed line 6. tightened up line 29 (a little) also, and broke the piece up into stanzas to create more space. no work is too old for a little revision.
 — SteelAngel
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