| her lips tasted like passionfruit
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misspanda
| exquisite | 1 |
its just that, that thing she does | 2 |
her | 3 |
splashing ballerina-esque across acres of egyptian cotton | 4 |
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yes, and she can only imagine it | 5 |
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she and he, looped and twined and oblivious | 6 |
bold crazed flashings making fire of cloudsoft grey eyes, | 7 |
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souls and insides gasping. | 8 |
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his lips gently, gently covering her glistening temples | 9 |
counting every pale freckle | 10 |
breathing her in | 11 |
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her eyes now, widening waterlilied pools | 12 |
unwrapping every emotion | 13 |
then closing softly like a storm | 14 |
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he, above her | 15 |
discovers her mouth with his | 16 |
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and her lips taste like passionfruit | 17 |
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13 May 05 |
Rated 9.5 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 1, 3, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
i have to say first, i like this much. the simulation of dance in the line breaks is lovely. the line breaks themselves are clean and sharp. but a few glitches here and there:
line 4: splashing, not spalshing
line 9: alabaster brow is over-used, perhaps something fresher?
line 12: extra space twixt now, widening ... is it meant to be there?
line 12: waterlilied pools - i like the image, but it doesn't scan well
line 13: obviousing ... *whew* a mouthful, and not a word ... something different would be welcome
i like this poem.
— Bloodfetish
haha bloodfetish you just made my day :0)
— misspanda
Line 2 - "it's".
I like this poem also.
— claudia
you made mine, panda: this is very cool.
--bf
— unknown
wow this is awesome, i love the flow!
— unknown
I enjoyed this tremendously.
— Rixes
The first four lines are breath-taking.
This is great fun to read aloud. When I do that, I want a line break between
ballerina-esque and across.
I don't think you need "with his" in line 16.
Did you consider "of" instead of "like" in line 17? I guess that might imply she'd been eating passionfruit, and I don't think that is your intention.
Very cool, in a very hot kind of way:-P
— housepoppy
yes yes, it is even more amazing when one read it out loud
7 and 8 are my favz
fab job!
— unknown
I meant the first five lines.
-poppy
— unknown
i like the storyesque feel
— ltdtoogirl
Sexy... Reading through this poem was like eating fuit. Bursts of colour, emotion, flavour. Very lovely.
— Deranged
beautiful
— unknown
there is lots of movement and just a lovely light hearted feeling about this poem which i do love. the flow is wonderful and i really cant suggest any improvements. AWESOME JOB!
— SweetPain
omg i love this.... exquisite
=-)
— unknown
wow this is sweet, tho i agree with poppy, maybe get rid of the 'with his'
— unknown
better than most of it's genre on here. nicely done. egyptian cotton was an example of detail, that contributes rather than detracts. like that.
— kaleidazcope
very nice, love the way 'widening waterlilied pools' rolls of the tongue :)
— unknown
ditto all
— unknown
is this about fuckin?
— unknown
yeah so you def. give unknown's a bad name, mr/ms. 'is this about fuckin?'
this is a beautiful piece of writing.... a 9.5
— unknown
"exquisite" love it love it love it :-)
— unknown
it was okay
— unknown
Great choice of words, light and spontanious.
— Meadow
hmm this, and then the adidas sweatshirt? interesting... lol :-) but very good. its strong and colorful.
— unknown
yes. spontanious. wonder what you did last night...
:-P
— unknown
This is very excellent with such a sensual feel without being overcooked. You is a gud chef
— larrylark
thanks larrylark :)
— misspanda
...
— unknown
aaannnything else?
— misspanda
Horrible
No rythym whatsoever
Were you just writing random stuff down?
I cant believe I wasted time reading this =(
— unknown
no.
but the point of a critique site is to critique... any idea on how you'd make it better?
— misspanda
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