| Our Guts on The Gods >{metallic spectrum edit}<
|
themolly
| I will be rattled pink vixen with red-hot hands, gray spiraling eyes working overtime. | 1 |
| |
Come - try to overlook me and my friends, yellow to most - your cloaked beacons. | 2 |
| |
The amber glow of you | 3 |
halos the room, | 4 |
like a metallic reflection of The Gods. | 5 |
The visible sounds do | 6 |
spout from you | 7 |
into the azure waters of Our Guts. | 8 |
| |
A black altar in the bathroom = A white shrine in the sky. | 9 |
Cross your legs < or < kneel and beg. | 10 |
Hold a bead on the eye. | 11 |
| |
Pretty maidens | 12 |
| |
all in a row | 13 |
| |
will blood flood you | 14 |
| |
for our very last show. | 15 |
|
16 May 05 |
Rated 6.6 (5.8) by 7 users.
Active (7): 3, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 1, 1, 8, 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(51 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Is this too new-age? Input gladly digested....
— themolly
decent. damn decent.
were it me (and of course, it's not), i'd lose the word "the" in the first line.
and again, were it me, i'd reword line 10: my guts (and your's) have no water: bile & feces & urine and i'm sure some other stuff -- but not water.
16 & 17 don't scan ... but i don't have a suggestion for those ...
strong stuff .. i like it.
— Bloodfetish
maybe drop the 'the' in 16 and break after you in 17.
or maybe not
and maybe drop the ellipsis in 3
6 did you not fancy hallow's?
15 maybe singular eye?
stuff likey that. mainly.
nice work themolly
kaleidazcope
— unknown
Thanks guys. I wasn't so sure about this one. I really appreciate your feedback.
— themolly
hmm. yeah. now at the end i only stumble on blood flood. i have a suggestion, but it changes the meaning so i don't know whether you would like it.
e.g. blood will flood you.
dunno why i'm keen to seperate those two words, but i am.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
I really like the rhythm better at the end now. I'm sticking with it.
— themolly
and so you should :)
— unknown
a wonderful noncryptic symphony of stellar retardation
— unknown
imbecile.
— themolly
I'm sorry. But I really like this. It's really stinks of me. It came from me. Don't say something like that.
If you are struck at, then strike back. Otherwise, I cannot justify the slam because this isn't "retardation".
— themolly
Blood...
Speak for yourself. I have VERY watery guts. I'm not the only one.
Thanks for the encouragement!
~~~
— themolly
dude this reeeeeely sucks. especially l11-15. i am laffin my ass off.
— unknown
thanks.. really. could you say EXACTLY what sux about it...?
— themolly
The negativity on this site comes in hideous waves. Why are people interested enough to read, but not invested enough to give an honest comment.
Critical comments are well digested. Hateful comments are fighting words.
I just don't understand the motivation.
— themolly
I think you're just an egotistical idiot, and possible compulsive liar, themolly.
Take some criticism once in a while, and stop telling others that their poems are shit when yours are obviously just as shit.
— unknown
yeah right. whatever dude.
— themolly
damn, tm ... someone's really raking you here. this poem deserves better.
take heart, though: the wankers fear you.
— Bloodfetish
Gracias Blood.
— themolly
I hate it when folks rake me because I'm bitchy. Rake me if I'm a pathetic poet. That the only logical reason on POETRY CRITICAL.
— themolly
Ok...
I'm sorry. But I have posted WAY shittier poetry on here than this, and THIS has my lowest rating. WHY!?!?!?!
Someone HELP!
— themolly
OH......and WHY do the wankers fear me?
— themolly
forget about the wankers themolly - Good poem. It took me a couple reads, but I like it. love image of cloaked beacons. I'm not sure of the elipses in 3, maybe a hyphen? l12 - since you specify bathroom in 11, sky seems a little vague. I Like l15 as singular. l17 I trip over a bit and agree with kaleidazcope...but if you're married to it...keep it.
— angelyn
I like this
, i'll comment more when I'm logged in
— unknown
i like how this flows too. but i'm not really sure about what's it's saying? i think it's over my head.
— aeturnus
AETURNUS~This is a snapshot of the last shocking moments of my stint as a groupie with APC. There's a lot going on, so I'm not alarmed pieces were lost in the translation. I'd be glad to answer any questions or modify sections to give this more relevence :)
— themolly
OK this has been completely overhauled.
I like it MUCH more now...but what about you?
— themolly
I dont get it, so i wont rate it yet
— HeidiHo
I would love some feedback on my edit.
— themolly
anytime....
seriously.
— themolly
ok....
I'm starting to lose hope.
— themolly
lame.
xtra lame.
— unknown
WOW 4 1s on one poem. i feel special
— unknown
Don't let people get you down! This is good too!
— BoundFeet
this is so good!
— tiedtoes
thanks girls
— themolly
good jorb
— unknown
Oh girl. Thisis good. i mean Really good
— Estrella
eh just l3 through 8 are worthy,.
— unknown
i disagree...obviously
— unknown
well, you do that. just trying to be helpful.....
— unknown
L1 is dramatically overdone..sorry =(
— unknown
if you were there, you'd have been "dramatically overdone" as well.
— unknown
Hahaha no.
— unknown
hu he ha yes.
— themolly
THIS HAS four 1s---you filthy bitches.
— unknown
so?
— unknown
so it doesn't suck enough for that many 1s.
— unknown
this is WAY different now. Any one still hate it?
— unknown
nice poem.
— hank
i enjoyed the color imagery in this. i'll get more in-depth in a minute.
— Catbox
thanks guys! I was worried about this one.
— unknown
:)
— unknown
catbox?
— unknown
This popped up as a random, and I'm very pleased it did. It has sharp and elegant teeth. It has the metallic edge and taste of abortion.
— banditfemme
thanx
— themolly
|
|
|