poetry critical

online poetry workshop

bad poetry (a love poem)

this poem might be best read aloud.

the other day
(not this one)
i read a poem that somebody wrote about love.
it didn't really sound like a poem
it sounded confused
and it probably was, because
love is as confusing as it gets,
except when it's not, but i'll get to that.
so here i am writing a poem
(or something)
about love
(or something)
just like a hundred thousand people
(and maybe fishes or cats, too) have before me.
we all try to make it sound like something new
and we all believe that it is.
i am inclined to believe, in fact
that my love for you is amazing
only its track record isn't so good so far.
no one has loved you the same exact way
that i have, and i will never
love someone the same way again.
i like the way i love you
i am as afraid of it going away
as i am of it staying
i wish i could understand
or i wish i could make you understand
i don't know what it is i understand
but it's something. i think love
(i think love)
is like something you realize
and then don't remember ever not knowing.
do you have a motherfucking phone number?
i want to tell you things
not anything in particular really
just things, maybe about
girls who eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
what i'm saying isn't important, just
that i'm saying it to you
and you're hearing it
somehow though i think you stopped listening
a long time ago
where is my love? i guess
it slipped past your heart and it's hangin' out
in your belly somewhere.
i want it back
maybe just a little bit?
if you don't have any of your own we can share mine.
all i am asking
is that you let me lay close enough to you
that i can feel you move as you fall asleep
all i am asking
is that you make my body feel
like it's doing something meaningful
'cause it really misses meaning something to someone
all i am asking
is that you

16 May 05

Rated 9.5 (8.1) by 4 users.
Active (4): 3, 8, 10
Inactive (85): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(6 more poems by this author)

(68 users consider this poem a favorite)

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do you need same in 22?
35 is a hard switch. but i can imagine it working well read out loud.
i liked this. amusing and light in the right places, and the voice has honesty.
you pull off a bad love poem very well.
 — kaleidazcope


This is really painful.  Great work.  So sad.
 — themolly

you put into words an element of the love poems/songs/anythings that are usually passed over.  i feel that sense of impending something (anything really.) while reading this.  i like it.  thank you
 — electricvish

i like line 25
 — unknown

I don't know what to comment.  You write so beautifully
 — kitkat

lines 21 and 39 are the best. this poem is another masterpiece. it makes me think of the relationship i am currently in.
 — infinity

Love line 15, so so true. Great poem, thanks
 — Mr_Private

I know what you mean (or at least I think I did) but one thing really bothers me, couldn't you have at least capitalized your 'I's? Once I get an account maybe I'll share my own poem on love which although written under a false pretense (in retrospect) and poorly wrote, won me a $25 gift card to B&N. But that's just a maybe...
 — unknown

its a bit long
 — unknown

line 15, perfect..... starts strong, good pace, in my opinion the second half is not as good (though still at a high level) but the ending saves it, love the ending... must agree poem sounds much better aloud, and if done in an accent (Scottish works) gives the whole thing a humourousness about it..... which is always good
 — unknown

I think I tried to write this once, but it didn't sound as good.
 — hostcest

Yes, line 25 - very nice. Its a shame tho it seems to loose some of it's colour around 28.
 — hobby

you are absolutely amazing....your poems make so much sense and pertain to me, and probably every other person in this world.
 — peacetonight

line 50 is killer man...
 — varun

loved your poem very sentimental but there is only on thing all the parenthese u have aftersome of your lines you could back up on that a bit other than that everything is cool love it and keep it up
 — unknown

oh god, i love the end
 — tragicbubble

ooooo wow. this is great. i loved every second of it :D

good work
 — forevergone

love this
 — sweetlemon

Awesome. Like some of the above, I really liked 50.
I'll apologize in advance...I can't edit this. Just like you can't edit love.
35 probably doesn't need the "motherfucking." it seems to detract from the piece...but at the same time illustrates the difficulty of the situation.
I also might put "please" from the last line into parentheses, either where it is, or before "love" on line 60.

And...I really liked 50 :p
 — phyridean

I , too, really like this poem. I love the way the longer lines add the impact, and I would leave a space after these lines, as you have in most of them.  As in, line 35 (great line, leave space), line 43 (I would leave off line 44, a long time ago as unnecessary, and 'end' with the impact), line 50 (great!), line 57 (great line, leave space.) Group 58-61, and leave off 62, which seems unneeded to me, and lends more of an element of lack of pride, which I don't get from the rest of the poem. Just some suggestions - overall, I love it!
 — ameryan

this is beautiful. I can't think of a way I'd like to change it. I write love poems but they always end up sounding the same, good for my loved one but not for this workshop. You have worded this so well and I like your style. You didn't act like you were the only one to have ever loved but as though your love is special to you simply cos it is yours.
For a "bad love poem" this is great.
 — marieF

First impression?  It's pretty darned excellent a premise.  And the humor is fine.
I think, though, you might find places to tighten.  But!  You definitely know what you're doing.  I like this poem!  reid
 — netskyIam

Very interesting I could do without lines 45 through 50, but who am I.

Correction lines 45 through 49.  Line 50 is nice.

Oh this sits heavy in my heart. Very nice.
 — Cloudless

Seems to me this author's "love" ends desperate.  Something adolescent or premarital about the way it reads.  

I do like the progression from uncertainty of feelings to a need of companionship.  Where the fear of loosing something is stronger than the desire to want more.

Very revealilng.
 — john

This was really good, I laughed while reading it... I don't if that's what you wanted... but I enjoyed it. I do wonder how you would have it read though. I mean like how YOU want it read. I can only speculate. Great poem.
 — Muttonhead

very natural.
 — Kauf

Excellent! Wonderful! Best bad poetry I've ever read! :-)
 — ky_diva

lines 9-14 rock my world.
 — GalvanicGirl

Sounds like a teenage heartbreak. It has an honesty that most poems don't usually carry. Keep writing. Spilling your heart out heals heartbreak. Good Job.

 — xdarlingxx

so banal and stale. Overrated! But I won't rain on the babygeese parade; fear not
 — unknown

This poem might be best unread
 — unknown

the timing of "motherfucking" is excelent- do not delete it!!!
Very real and honest poem. I like alot about this poem, but i'm not sure "please" (in line 62) should be seperate from the poem. Its too much of a gap for me.

love the timing and the excelent use of tempo.

line 32 is worked in really well- (i mention it, because no-one else has, and its worthy of a mention)
 — mr_e

lines 54-57 rock. never heard it said that way before. you know, perfect-like.
 — SteelAngel

It reads just like you are thinking it - flawless? - no - but thoughts never are. Sweet.  Thankyou.
 — hopeStreet

This was a very enjoyable poem! What I really liked about this love poem is usually in love poems, people try to explain how their love is different... however you give these universal qualities about love that everyone can connect to in one way or another (including me)... and that is very hard to do. There is still room for work, it needs to be a little more concise i think, not necessarly shorter, but some thoughts could be more concise. Nice Job! one of my favorites.
 — topop

really creative and true.. great poem!
 — BrokenPen

 — fracture

there is no reason why this poem should be toprated at all.

it is above average of course and that is it.

kelli clarkson does the same thing.
 — unknown

very good piece, i like this
 — Odin

...girls who eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...

nice.  i rate it a "10."  i like the way you break honesty down into words.
 — starr

oops...i forgot to rate it when i commented on it!  here's your perfect "10!"
 — starr

the greatest words ever not spoken, lines 26, 27.
 — unknown

A very honest poem. I particularly like lines 28-44. It made me incredibly sad though
 — Dot

Meh…you don't need ME to tell you it's good. So I won't.
 — unknown

awesome! loved every line! keep it up!
 — unknown


More free verse...
 — unknown

Wow, this is brilliant stuff. Love it. Maybe take out the "motherfucking" in L35. Doesn't really suit the poem.

Otherwise, it's a good poem. Nice job.
 — DeathShards

 — Pegboy

L14 - Fish, not "fishes"
L33 - Take out the "like", you don't need it.
 — DeathShards

 — FrayedSkirt

yess i love this poem
 — forevergone

I love this poem. I can really relate to it. It's great :)
 — FrayedSkirt

plain and simple I wish I had half the ability that this poem shows
 — unknown

i find it kind of stupid.  that is still a truth about human beings of course.

love is dumb and necessary for most people because they cant handle their own expiration nor uncertainties.

this poem will please the masses because most are dumb.

now if jessica simpson sang a song like this of course we would heckle at it. here though the act of reading brings about a different criticism.
 — unknown

this poem was very well written and amusing...
 — unknown

even tho i think lines 35 to 39 are sort of redundant, its a sweet poem nonetheless.
 — sabz3003

this one really builds on you as you read it.  for me anyway.  by the end i was out of breathe.  line 62 is by far the best.  it makes the poem.  making it its own stanza is good.
 — awake

sounds like a couple i wrote...
 — thirdeyris

You are not just embracing cliche, but rolling around in it: using the word love ten (10!) times.  I've seen your other works; you are obviously very talented, so maybe this is just my hang-up, or maybe that's the whole point, or maybe you're just messing with all of us.  

Your second line is unnecessary because of the first. Maybe: on a day other than this one, or something like that.

Your motherfucking is gratuitous.

There should be a comma at the end of L36, another at the end of 37.

A colon or a semi instead of a comma in 38.

Semi or a period at the end of 42, 48 and 53.

Or ignore punctuation altogether.  I just thing you ought to be consistant.
 — housepoppy

Agree with previous comment, just never had the guts to say anything.
  I hate this poem. It's as if you mock the form, and art, of poetry. I'm probably being too harsh, and you probably won't read this comment anyway as you haven't been here for over a year, as you know what you're doing I'm sure, that's just my comment.
 — Hear

you got soo many comments, why notbe generous and try giving out some? check out my poems, for a starter!
(yours by the by is grate, but why use bad word (reference line:35)
 — nikitasarin

Great poem.
 — unknown

i love 51-61. Good wording. The spacing makes the meaning seem even deeper. Good, bad love poem!
 — unknown

Not sure if i love the whole of this poem however i do like the idea behind it.  So many love poems say all the same thing, and i like how this author has taken this and ended on a note that really ic the understanding of all love poetry.  Whether we are in love or have lost love, we need to be loved.
 — livvy

L40-44 are my favorite.
 — pull_my_hair

 — unknown

all better :)
 — unknown

did you show her this poem?  you should.  it might change her mind.
 — peacepoet

best wishes
 — peacepoet

boring. couldn't get to the end.
 — dalrymple

okay, so, I definitely thought this was amazing.
Congrats to you.
 — LoserXcore

I really like this poem.  The subject matter was cliche, but you make it into something so cliche that it's awesome.  You seem to mock all the corny love poems out there, and I love it.
 — fallinforyou

so beautiful, so true.
i love the realization that this has in fct been done before,
and that people have loved and been in love before...
but in the slightest way- it all differs
so we can make it our own.

so it can be even more special.

 — colormetink

so beautiful, so true.
i love the realization that this has in fact been done before,
and that people have loved and been in love before...
but in the slightest way- it all differs
so we can make it our own.

so it can be even more special.

 — colormetink

WOW...this is really really deep...i am in a similar position... this is really really good...WOW....
 — unknown

Not sure what to say, i love it... im not sure about line 32, that confused me a bit and i had to go back and re-read that bit, but lines 46-47 are incredible. This poem is perfect. its true when your talking about the poetry at the start, and its true when you talk about the feelings at the end.
Ive read it 8 times and loved it more every time.
 — Bobbi

This is...

30-34 = Guh.

It's easy and gracefully ungraceful.

And I love it.
 — GalvanicGirl

L 36-42 is my my favorite segment of the poem. It so honest and real.  My favorite stanza is the last.  This poem is gorgeous, and I wouldn't change a thing! I've commented before, but I reread this poem, and I seem to like it more each time. Great Job.
 — fallinforyou

honestly, this would be crap without the title... but the title brings this new meaning i love. like, it doesnt have to sound good, or be "good poetry" like you say in lines 40-42:

"what i'm saying isn't important, just
that i'm saying it to you
and you're hearing it"

i love it.
 — mishambootie

1 - 8 explain it all to well
 — hopeless_boy

Stop bumping this poem up everytime I post a new poem, else I' gonna take it personal like.
 — unknown

Believe me, it is really weird sharing love, but if you 'don't know you are doing it, it could work.
 — unknown

i love this. brutally honest. it exposes the confusion of love perfectly **cheers**
 — notetoself

great poem loved it thoughht it had great meaning
explains how come i still hurt from my x but wut can i say

its all her falt
 — unknown

i keep finding myself coming back to this poem & reading it over & over again.

its so real.

 — notetoself

i really really love this poem.
 — spaces

It is authentic.  If you're timid about capitalizing "I" maybe you should try to say it without self-reference? Cummings uses "i" in a completely different way. Have you read, "The Enormous Room"?
 — unknown

This said so many things that I have never put into words.  You write with the rawness I desire to achieve.  
 — Mai

Just as notetoself said, I, also find myself rereading this poem.  Over and over.  It never loses anything the 4th, 5th, 10th time; in fact, it gains a little more.  I love this.
 — fallinforyou

One of, if not my favorite piece that I've read on this site yet.
You keep writing them, I'll keep reading them.
 — defaultuser

It's beautiful.
Simply perfect. I mean it, don't change a thing.
Love it!
 — unknown

I've read this many times and I still enjoy it. Good work.
 — DeathShards

You are an amazing poet, my favourite lines are 26 & 27, and all of the last stanza, actually its all my favourite! Thank you for sharing this one too, its truly a wonderful piece of poetry =)
 — stolen_kiss

simply beautiful
 — Kellie_Fern

i still adore this poem :)
 — FrayedSkirt

simply. i like it.
 — sodapop

all I can think to say is that this is incredible, and amazing.
but its all been said before.
but it really really is.

 — nilo

this shit is ma stuped
 — unknown

i really want to read this at a poetry slam or something.  most of the time i'm reading it as if i'm drunk...basically until the last stanza.  i like it.  
 — peanut

This is DEEP? More like DEEP shit -- I cannot believe that you people keep fawning over some of the worst poems written in history. I think I have stumbled into an online day room of mental hospital. Don't play with sharp objects OK?
 — unknown

too cute to not be a favorite.
 — duffyj83

'unknown' needs a cuddle

i like some of this poem - not all i have to say - but when you do reveal yourself - like lines 54 to 57 - you do it very well :)

 — Mongrol

u wrote true feelin of my heart
 — unknown

b'ful i have samkind of feelin for her..
 — unknown

i think this is one of the best poems i've read in i can't tell you how long
 — aprilkutie

not many long poems can boast at keeping my attention till the end, but this poems end even snuck  up on me. loved it. loved, loved, loved it!
 — my_adonis

It's interesting, the novelty is there and it makes a few points, but it's not OMG AMAZING BEST POEM EVAR like some of you are making it out to be.
 — Aziel

I don't know. This is pretty damn real and fantastic. The progression of the author through the poem is dynamic. They go from cynical to the very thing they're harping on, and it all feels real. Great job!
 — grneyeddevil

2 points off for failure to capitolize the letter "I".  Otherwise its pretty sexy out loud and a bit corny on the page.  8/10.
 — technomancer

i dont really like 21
SO good SO far
maybe it should be TOO good so far?
i dont know
but i do like it.
definitely sounds better read aloud.

 — aprilkutie

Line 1 thru 27 is a poem in itself...so perfectly poignant. The rest gets a little too carried away for me..I feel like you astutely made your point in the first 27 that the rest is basically un-needed...beautiful and so real...
 — duffyj83

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 — unknown

I love this. I've been looking for a poem that says exactly this. Thank you.
 — unknown

L57 is killing me.
 — unknown

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