poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Let's fail happily
netskyIam

What we have, we gained by trying.
 1
What we know, we learned by failing.
 2
 
 
What to expect?  To fail again.
 3
 
 
What we earn
 4
by turns at night
 5
may buy a gain next day.
 6
 
 
Again we dare to do it different.
 7
Again, we'll get  
 8
by striving thoughts.
 9
 
 
Good begins in dreamings,
 10
for dreams worked for
 11
do lead to gains
 12
 
 
again and again,
 13
reiterate:
 14
 
 
Gain by failing;
 15
it's quite all right,
 16
it is all good.
 17
 
 
And that is all.
 18

17 May 05

Rated 3 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (4): 3, 7, 7, 7, 7

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

a good message told clever
i think i'd spell different out
the play between a gain and again forces one to read
and make me wonder what i gain
in concrete gains (so heavy!)
last stanza isn't as strong for me as the rest.
 — Bloodfetish

An excellent example of great thoughts and a punctuation nightmare that makes me cringe.

I wonder at your limited vocabulary usage, when many of your posts exude complexity.

again a gain = I like it.

Title is great.

An observation: The last stanza could be a poem by itself.

I know I am being anal, but I would capitalize (title too), punctuate, create 4 lines each stanza, and use a few highbrow words.
 — unknown

very good in theory.  Just real choppy for me.  Maybe read this aloud a few times.  You'll see what I mean.
 — themolly

Clever.  Your poetry is not easy to critique coz it's aim is always to be different and clever and to get a point across,  not to be the best poetry here.  I like that.  ;)
Love the title.  Love apparent contradictions that arent if you think about them.  "Failing happily"    What do you call that?  an apparent contrad.... like I said above??  This isnt necessarily one though, but it kinda is.         ;Ah, what do you call it?!
 — MFine

paradox.   Ah,  I love when you remember stuff that was annoying.
 — MFine

thanks- I happent to agree with every critcism.  The piece is just flowed out and was not distilled over.  The contraction of "different" is objectionable on the on hand (I agree!) but I contract it for the meter improvement and for the fact that many of us drop that middle sylable in daily speech.  It jars because the contraction is forced.  As to the message: i am aware as you are that there's nothing new in the message but you're kind ot allow me to "reiterate" an old idea.  Bottom line perhaps is this:  as we grow older we either learn to accept failures and make gains from them, either by working around our failings.. or simply, accepting our selfs' limitations (ah another jarring word) and in turn: are happier in middle and older age than we were when young and always ready to be -angry- -frustrated- -reactive-.    Of course, I am all these things at times.  But not so much.  And when I misbehave in poetry or on the board it is for -fun- and gains again!  Have fun and be a gain to your Self.   Thank you -

Gee, I did not -expect- or feel owed a single crit.  Humbled again.  thank you thank you again! *snuggles* to you all.
 — netskyIam

here is the poem again at another board, formatted slightly differently.  I still favor "diff'rent" now I see too that it makes a pun of "rent", as in tear.  force change but do not fight inevitable failures, I suppose.  
http://forum.poetryconnection.n et/viewtopic.php?p=45008#45008
(if a "%20" appears in this url remove that manually to make the url operable)
 — netskyIam

darned software here!  you'd have to right click, "copy link location", paste into addy bar, remove the "%20" and click enter.  Then is works.  A lot of hoo-hah if you ask me, mr. tetto. ~sigh~
 — netskyIam

This does not sound like something a 51 year old would say, not to my ears.

It's disjointed and it's tough to read, especially the beginning when it sounds like a question, then you read it a couple of times and see that it's not.

I think you should revamp and repost, show what a 51 year old poet can do!
 — unknown

valid point, unknown above. I first wrote a poem in late October.  Am unschooled.  The poem is not elegant.  Not really meant to be a thing of -seeming beauty-.  But, perhaps the message rises above mere form.  Maybe.  Only the individual poet/reader can make that call.  thank you very much for your input.  I listen.
 — netskyIam

'the message rises above mere form'  :0)

all the best

badge
 — unknown

to reply to the second commenter, themolly:  having thought about your points. here is my personal justification:  I don't much cap poetry of informal variety.  Particularly, I lately prefer to leave unrhymed poetry in smallcase.  Capping each line regardless of wording forces more end marks.   Lines suffice for my needs  to indicate new thought.  Caps are useful at times and certainly needed in prose. Here in this verse I see no value in capping except for spice.   We know that each line-beginning may be a new sentence or it may be a new thought dovetailed into the previous thought.  Or that new line may be a duplexing of thoughts.  Therefore, I am not much for capitalizing in informal versing.   Likewise, if omitting punctuation does not -obscure- the verse's meaning then, in general, I omit punctuation.  I keep the verse simple in this example and use no high-buck words because the message is simple and not humorus nor witty.  It is all just simple and so I keep it that way.  the verse is -short-, too, so this is a compensation of sorts for the attention it demands of the reader for its being oddly, irregularly formed.   Poems like this got me kicked off PFFA because it can't be critted by conventional rules.   Here I can live and speak.  Am glad to be alive at Pc! thanks all!  MFine: you're right -we- are not the best poets here.   But what is the goal? Just to offer fresh veiwpoints which some few can -get-.  We don't expect to become paperback writers or Frosts.  Not I, anyway. Simply put I am word-duplexing simplton with an creative ego complex (lol at self).  No paradox in that at all (laugh again)  -thanks-
c
 — unknown

Have revised slightly: added two words, "yet again" to L12.  Have capped all sentence starts to adhere.  Have de-contracted "diff'rent".  Key words are underscored instead of emphasized by pre-and post "-" dash marks like  -this-.    One line break is altered, too: "concrete gains again and again is now one line instead of split in two.  thanks for all the helps you gave me here.
 — netskyIam

fall and miss to acheive bliss.
 — Meep

revised.
I wrote it  last May on my birthday.
It's not much but sometimes simple thoughts are OK for a poem.
It's telly and preachy....but hey, it's still true.
thanks
 — netskyIam

revised today, May  04 07
for Niels in The Netherlands.

Thanks for your help and interest.
_________________
Reid Welch
 — netskyIam

the revision as recited today, 04 May 07

for Niels van der Linden

http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/17022/
 — netskyIam

error, pasted incorrect link above.

Here's the correct link to the recitation
http://tinyurl.com/2tbjhe< br />


Reid
_____________________________
 — netskyIam

0.23s