| Malice In Wonderland
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Caducus
| When Alice grew up | 1 |
she fell through darkness | 2 |
searching for Wonderland. | 3 |
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Trembling she saw her life mirrored, | 4 |
in a sea of scolding tea. | 5 |
Vessels of her childhood fell | 6 |
landing as a wreck | 7 |
next to a dead white rabbit | 8 |
by its broken clock-watch. | 9 |
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The Cheshire cat appeared | 10 |
grinning with decayed teeth, | 11 |
at children garrotted by ribbons | 12 |
choking as they fell with Alice. | 13 |
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The Queen of hearts waited for her to land | 14 |
stripped Alice naked, | 15 |
watched her guilt rape seeded skin | 16 |
then ripped her heart out, | 17 |
watching its last beat | 18 |
fade with her blueyes | 19 |
as death cards chanted | 20 |
'long live the Queen'. | 21 |
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17 May 05 |
Rated 7.8 (8) by 14 users.
Active (14): 1, 1, 5, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (22): 1, 4, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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(198 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
for shannon and the death of her childhood.
— Caducus
Line 4 needs a comma after Trembling.
Line 7- Don't capitalise Landing.
Line 8- Don't capitalise Next.
Lines 12-13 start off capitalised and they shouldn't.
Line 14 should just be a sentence by itself. Make line 15 a new statement,
"Stripping Alice naked,
she watched her guilt rape seeded skin"
Also, in line 17 doesn't need capitalisation.
Nice content and imagery. Just remain consistent with your punctuation/capitalisation.
— Rhein
changed it, thanks rhein grammar and me are like ketchup on a cream cake.
— Caducus
scolding? blueyes? seeded?
Love the idea. Love the lore.
However, punctuation is WAY off, don't care for the breaks in most places, and some of the sentences could benefit from some structure.
This has promise. Fix it.
— themolly
This is wonderful--they way you've rotted the characters with Alice's maturity is amazing.
— FangzOfFire
My god, this is disturbing, yet beautiful. i am left speechless. you've done a wonderful job. WOW! (10)
— SweetPain
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW Alice in wonderland.. WOWOWOW this is great. Gets a 10 and on favorites.
— Gabriella
strong and visceral
i think the rhythm could use a tweaking, but don't have any suggestions at the moment
— Bloodfetish
I agree that the puncuation and line breaks need some further arranging, but aside from that, i liked this alot.
— duffyj83
reminds me of the porn version of alice in wonderland they did in the 70's...
— Ananke
i love it i think its realy good :)
— LaLa16
i'm more intersted now in the porn version of a.i.w. ananke you have a responsibility to share more info on this.
thanks
cad
— unknown
i love the turn-around in the ending. it's a good topic.
— stoprightnow
Hey that's my name. I like this..
— Alice
good and sad
— Cat
This reminds me so much of "Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice. Both of these tales were meant for children, yet they were both twisted around in such a way, that makes them perfect, unique.
— FeltPen
wow u saw a whole different part of a classic movie! BRAVO! BRAVO!
— poeticlpoet
scolding or scalding? I suppose a sea of pissed off tea would still be appropriate to the surrealistic elements of Alice in Wonderland. maybe. Great poem though!
-raman-
— unknown
Beautiful
— unknown
This is a really good analogy. me likes.
— existential
I like it... but it's sort of a create-ur-own-wonderland type thing for me.
— WillB
I like it very much, the poem pops with descriptive words like "decayed" and "mirrored".
— AgentA
I would say that you magnify some simple words in this poem. Very good.
— Hear
That's some scary imagery. It almost make's me want to make it into a small three minute film, hahaha.
— Gnome
I'm afraid it's all too obvious - from the overblown imagery, not to mention 'scolding tea' and 'blueyes' in line 19 - pronounce that for me please? This poem is so attention seeking, it's got adhd. It needs to be stronger, deeper, less obvious - the death of childhood and the rape of innocence - yawn, pass me the cliché. It needs discipline, punctuation and a lie down.
Opal
— unknown
I really like this, i think it's actually incredible.
— unknown
I love this . very evocative of the undertones of the book and many other fairy tails .Top poem
— larrylark
Nice work. Might I suggest a bit of rewording:
As Alice grew
she fell through
darkness searching
for Wonderland.
Trembling, she saw her life
mirrored, in a sea of scolding tea.
Vessels of her childhood fell:
wrecks, next to a dead white rabbit
and its broken clock-watch.
The Cheshire Cat's grin
decayed -- foul teeth slashing
children and Alice as they fell.
The Queen of Hearts waited
for her to land, then stripped Alice
and watched her guilt rape seeded skin,
before ripping out her heart.
For it's last beat
faded with her blue eyes
as death cards chanted
'long live the Queen.'
— alicedark
*cough* do what alice said *cough*
This has great imagry, but the rewording and such above ^^^ would help a lot.
-Mary
— fallinforyou
Well, my six year old daughter came to this site and stumbled upon this poem...shame on you.
— unknown
I absolutely love it! Really good writing, perfect ending.
— icepineapple
You must have missed the fact that this site is only recommended for 14 years and over. Shame on you for not paying attention, unfit mother or father?
— unknown
She can barely read!!! you evil monster?
— unknown
You won't care she stumbled on this poem then M!!!!
— unknown
Listen you who complains about the content, would you complain to a porn site over its content? What are you doing letting a six year old go through stuff like this unsupervised, there's poems about penises for God's sake! Now, go back to your kid and stop complaining!
— icepineapple
Yes, most likely.
— unknown
Repent for the day of judgement is at hand.
— unknown
incredibly disturbing. It all comes together. What a twisted rendition. Very admirable job.
— EmmanuelThom
Clever title
— propoet50
very very dark, and somewhat bitter.
— Artemis
Wow. Powerful.
— Andiam
more uses of commas would make the poem sound better, otherwise good
— unknown
this is great! the comments, i mean. the poem sucks. but, look how it looks like contemporary '08 comments -- the same translation into another poem, the same small thoughts about a poem and with the same "so big" seriousness. unknown is still unknown so he can post in his underwear and there's larry, missing the point even back then, which makes me think that glue isn't a long term solution to the talent problem. and these are the old timers who've apparently been driven from the site by lamer fake-poets, and trolls too! and, i won't show up for another year. maybe they just turned into unknowns? there's way more of them today than there were then. coincidence??? ask rush limbaugh.
— joey
joey go fuck yourself. thats rude. who are you to tell them that their poem sucks? dont worry i'll fix it and contact rafter
— unknown
they're all dead. well, mentally of course, and they still eat salads and stuff. but, sucks is sucks, and this one simply sucks.
— joey
just like your poetry!
— unknown
why would i have a problem with you thinking my poetry sucks?
— joey
because you still care enough to comment back.
— unknown
no, it's the general statement about the worth of comments. there's nothing to you and a comment from you is more a comment from yourself about how smart you are. you're critqueing yourself, and i'm not able to critique more of you than what i see. i don't know your poetry for instance, and don't know if i'm getting the comment of a poet or a moron.
— joey
really powerful language, allusions are just grand, the images great, tone clear ... there is a lot to like about it, such a warped fairy tale with so many possible themes.
i like all of it ... but was wondering if line fifteen could be changed to "stripped Alice of her innocence" ... unless you don't want Alice to be seen as innocent. there is nothing wrong with the word naked, it just seems sensual for the context of the poem, the bitterness and irony of it. it kind of throws it off. i know it wasn't for erotic purposes, but that's just my thought on it. plus the naked aspect is implied by stripped, so perhaps in that sense it is redundant.
the rest is good; though, i did note the rapid decent of it, so hypnotizing and then the last stanza has come with almost ridiculous breakneck speed. not a problem, but i won't deny, an insertion of a little more fantasy illusions a little before the ending would be good ... because, i do suppose i want a little more, the ending is abrupt and good but still abrupt nonetheless. i think this imagination excursion and elusive grandeur deserves just a little bit more attention.
based off the consecutive aspect you followed, an assertion might be better before the Cheshire cat, because of how well you did follow the story. though, i do understand your need not to babble, but a bit more might benefit, depending on how you use it. i bet you could make it work.
ten ... but that doesn't mean i wouldn't be ever delighted to see some changes.
— listen
your first comment on the poem could actually be your footnote. since one meaning behind the poem is the idea of reality hitting hard, the surreal aspect of the poem could do well to counterbalance the reality of your explanation.
just an after thought.
— listen
fucking awesome!!
— unknown
Nothing there when viewed through the looking glass
— unknown
Opal is the only one with a discriminating eye on this...
— poetbill
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