*laughs in delight* oh how.........
Thanks to both :)
Anyone else have any thoughts?
Have altered layout slightly (L14-17).
well, that's "lol" kicked in the head. lol.
Quite breathtakingly brilliant. I cheered at the last line.
Cheers, folks, that's pretty damn encouraging!
the best extended pun i have ever come
Since you asked, line 1 could end with a period or a colon (fwiw, I’d prefer a colon).
Lower case “a” at the start of 3. Lower or upper case is optional after a colon, so either “An” or “an” is fine at the start of 2.
Comma after neck in line 5, or, in keeping with the flow you seem to want, break the line there. Along the same lines, I think you should drop “he”, in line 18, down to begin 19.
Period at the end of 6.
I don’t think I’d punctuate 7-17, but you may want to think about getting rid of some of the “the”, and speed up the pace as you get nearer to him. This is what I mean:
He was gazing
at the sky then
the ground then sky
and ground and
sky as his mouth
tics to no one
I really like lines 16 and 17.
I would love to see “unintelligibly”, and that killer ending, standing alone:
As we passed
I sniggered and
fell down a manhole.
This way, the unintelligibly applies to both of you.
stupid or nerdy?
i cant decide which :)
Thanks for dropping by, Mong and many thanks to you, wily. Not too keen on losing my tock tick and the 'the's' though I love the getting closer idea. The rest seems really bang on. Will have a good think before actually makin the nchanges, though. Ta very much again for spending a bit of time on this. Folk like you are so badly neede here. cheers, unk :)
so much better than most of the shit on this site. but still underdeveloped eh.
I feel there's enough here to get things across, unk, but... you make me think, thanks. Have updated incorporating most of your ideas, W. I think the repositioning of 'unintelligibly' was very cute. My only problem now is that I feel stanza 2 probably need s some punctuation and semi-colons keep popping in and out of my head! cheers, unk :)
I'm sure some would say you do need punctuation in the second, and maybe they'd be right, but I maintain that you don't. I visualize him looking up and down and approaching you all the while; punctuation here would give me the image of stopping, and I don't think either of you stopped walking. In case I wasn't clear the first time, that's why I like the idea of shortening the lines while repeating the up and down looks.
A very enjoyable poem, regardless of all of that.
I don't think I made myself clear, W. I'm talking about lines 2-9 and really the only punctuation I'm now thinking of adding would be a semi-colon after line 2 as I tend to pause there when reading. I'm totally in agreement and have always been happy with the next stnza being punc free. I also, as mentioned before, see exactly what you're getting at re shortening things as he gets closer but am rather too attached for the moment to the original words and rhythm. (BUT - it's a really sweet idea to tuck away in my bag of tools). Glad you found it enjoyable and ta very much again.