| Chit Chat at 5:00am
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SweetPain
| Sitting and talking was warm and comforting. | 1 |
You talked me into a dream like state. | 2 |
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As soon as we stopped it was like waking up on a cold morning and removing your comforter. | 3 |
I was cold, and chills were crawling up and down my spine. | 4 |
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Later, all I could think of was you | 5 |
and your | 6 |
warm words. | 7 |
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I repeat our conversation to my best friend, | 8 |
and she says I have | 9 |
tripped | 10 |
fallen | 11 |
and smashed | 12 |
into love. | 13 |
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I think she is right. | 14 |
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if you cant tell im in a cheesy love poem kind of mood. |
21 May 05 |
Rated 7 (7.7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 7, 8
Inactive (4): 7, 8, 8, 8, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
awww...
— ducktape
I want permission to remix this. Can I please steal it and rewrite it? :X
— Rhein
for yourself?- SweetPain -
and thanx duxktape, and Rhein.
— unknown
and yes you can if it is not for you Rhein.
— SweetPain
This is really good. I like.
— FeltPen
No worries. I get what you mean. Thanks. :)
— Rhein
nice.
— themolly
im dumbfounded guys. i thought everyone would have panned this for being cheesy. thanks FeltPen, themolly, and Rhein.
— SweetPain
it is cheesy. that's why rhein is remixing it.
— unknown
umm thank you unknown.
— SweetPain
it's true!
— unknown
Cheese rules...just for the record. I frickin love cheese.
— themolly
but do you like the poem?
— SweetPain
Since you are obviously reading this,
could you please tell me why you accused me of stealing your poem in the message board?
I would appreciate a reason. ^__^
— Rhein
I am so sorry, really am. I Majorily overeacted when you posted the poem without giving credit to myself. I was under the impression you were taking the poem and remixing it for me. And when you posted your version I thought you were trying to pass this poem off as your own idea. So I just took at as you stealing, this was all before you acknowledged me. I am so incredibly sorry and I felt terrible after posting in the forum. Also the comments that I did leave on your comment board were genuine. I am sorry and I wish you could forgive me.
— SweetPain
It's fine. Apology accepted. I just wanted to know why. :/
— Rhein
aWWWWWW. THAT'S sweet.
Now...of course I like the poem.
Did I say anything to the contrary?
— themolly
no i just thought you were focusing on the cheese , sorry :P. But thankyou Rhein and themolly!!
— SweetPain
*dream-like
— meaka
aww this is so far from cheesy! i love it... it's honest and warm and very much fits my mood as well right now :-)
a favorite, and a 10
and i rarely give 10's, so be happy ;-)
beautiful
— misspanda
aww thankyou misspanda and meaka!
— SweetPain
I would make a couple of changes - Line 5, change after to later. And put best in front of friend, don't separate it that way because it reads oddly. Consider something besides sprawling in line 4 - makes me think of something lying hard and heavy all over you, instead of a light chill that gives you bumps.
Yes, there is a time for cheesy.
— Isabelle5
you like the changes Isabelle?
— SweetPain
wow. pretty unique. I love it. I have a few suggestions. Break line 5 up. Start a new line after later. And "all I could think of was you and your warm words" is a little awkward. Try saying it differently. And the last line is somewhat blatant and unnecessary. I like it a lot nevertheless, and I just think that the first two stanzas are so good that you should make the rest of the poem as eloquent as the beginning.
— OwlGirl
omygosh i love it....not cheesy at all.
i never felt this way with anyone but i can imagine it w/ this poem
thanks for the description....
— Cherish
thanks for the pointers Owlgirl and im happy you enjoyed it Cherish!
— SweetPain
Nice revisions, yes.
— Isabelle5
:D
— SweetPain
I like this. However, line 3 is too long, visually it doesn't work. Also stanza 3 is weak. Can you make it dreamier or more sharply reminiscent? Line 8 is a bit long as well. You need a comma after tripped. I like "into love". The general feel of the poem is lovely.
— catherine
line three is for the effect.
and i agree stanza 3 is weak.
got any suggestions?
— SweetPain
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