| Water
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ollylama
| Everyone lived, | 1 |
And everyone died, | 2 |
And in between, cried. | 3 |
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That's why they say | 4 |
We're made mostly of water, | 5 |
The flood of our tears | 6 |
Bathes the blood of our slaughter. | 7 |
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This poem is taken from my novel "Big American Breakfast," which can be downloaded for free at www.oliverbenjamin.net/writings.html. |
25 May 05 |
Rated 8 (7.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 8, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
i question whether you need the first three lines.
i'd like a different title, something topical, political, sociological. maybe.
— kaleidazcope
i don't know. i think this poem is just about bleeding and crying. i suppose if anything i should have put in something about all the other bittersweet excretions we are prone to. but that might have been gross.
— ollylama
blood and tears is good. but i like context.
i'm advice from the inside of a beer bottle.
— kaleidazcope
stuff that. i want to see what happens when you gross this out some more.
— kaleidazcope
hey kaleida - how about this:
that's why they say
our carbon's come from a comet
the fire in our belly
spews the chunks of our vomit.
gross enough for you? ;D
— ollylama
spewing out chunks of our vomit, maybe.
no not nearly gross enough.
i won't be happy till you make my nerves howl like a troop of torture victims; give me original horror pushed with concentrated terror, till impetuous jets of my own vomit escape between my two grey lips.
is that possible?
winks mischieviously.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
i think i love you kaleidazcope. i want to kiss your grey lips. but wipe the vomit off first.
— ollylama
good.
but i think you could slightly alter the second stanza. either you need a semi-colon at the end of line 5, or you put a 'that' to begin line 5 without changing the punctuation.
i'm not completely sure of the blood bathed by water image yet.
— nicl
very cool.
— sweetascandy
i like to be kissed.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
nice poem. our flood of tears is also diluting the blood of our slaughter. so much so that it is almost making it drinkable again. wouldn't that be nice.
— hank
ick. i think i like this poem the way it is. (;
— ducktape
so to comment on this poem: nice jorb. i really liked it, and i still do! (; i never commented on it before, but now i am. it is very interesting how you bring crying into how we're mostly made of water, which is right. I really like the last two lines--the way it all comes together. (; very nice. (; keep on writing!! (;
~duckie
— ducktape
thank you duckie. i hope you're not bleeding, crying, drowning or being slaughtered. floating is better.
— ollylama
;)
— Roz
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