And everyone died,
And in between, cried.
That's why they say
We're made mostly of water,
The flood of our tears
Bathes the blood of our slaughter.
This poem is taken from my novel "Big American Breakfast," which can be downloaded for free at www.oliverbenjamin.net/writings.html.
25 May 05
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i question whether you need the first three lines.
i'd like a different title, something topical, political, sociological. maybe.
i don't know. i think this poem is just about bleeding and crying. i suppose if anything i should have put in something about all the other bittersweet excretions we are prone to. but that might have been gross.
blood and tears is good. but i like context.
i'm advice from the inside of a beer bottle.
stuff that. i want to see what happens when you gross this out some more.
hey kaleida - how about this:
that's why they say
our carbon's come from a comet
the fire in our belly
spews the chunks of our vomit.
gross enough for you? ;D
spewing out chunks of our vomit, maybe.
no not nearly gross enough.
i won't be happy till you make my nerves howl like a troop of torture victims; give me original horror pushed with concentrated terror, till impetuous jets of my own vomit escape between my two grey lips.
is that possible?
i think i love you kaleidazcope. i want to kiss your grey lips. but wipe the vomit off first.
but i think you could slightly alter the second stanza. either you need a semi-colon at the end of line 5, or you put a 'that' to begin line 5 without changing the punctuation.
i'm not completely sure of the blood bathed by water image yet.
i like to be kissed.
nice poem. our flood of tears is also diluting the blood of our slaughter. so much so that it is almost making it drinkable again. wouldn't that be nice.
ick. i think i like this poem the way it is. (;
so to comment on this poem: nice jorb. i really liked it, and i still do! (; i never commented on it before, but now i am. it is very interesting how you bring crying into how we're mostly made of water, which is right. I really like the last two lines--the way it all comes together. (; very nice. (; keep on writing!! (;
thank you duckie. i hope you're not bleeding, crying, drowning or being slaughtered. floating is better.