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Water
ollylama

Everyone lived,
 1
And everyone died,
 2
And in between, cried.
 3
 
 
That's why they say
 4
We're made mostly of water,
 5
The flood of our tears
 6
Bathes the blood of our slaughter.
 7



---
This poem is taken from my novel "Big American Breakfast," which can be downloaded for free at www.oliverbenjamin.net/writings.html.

25 May 05

Rated 8 (7.7) by 1 users.
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Inactive (2): 7, 8, 8

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Comments:

i question whether you need the first three lines.
i'd like a different title, something topical, political, sociological. maybe.
 — kaleidazcope

i don't know. i think this poem is just about bleeding and crying. i suppose if anything i should have put in something about all the other bittersweet excretions we are prone to. but that might have been gross.
 — ollylama

blood and tears is good. but i like context.
i'm advice from the inside of a beer bottle.
 — kaleidazcope

stuff that. i want to see what happens when you gross this out some more.
 — kaleidazcope

hey kaleida - how about this:

that's why they say
our carbon's come from a comet
the fire in our belly
spews the chunks of our vomit.

gross enough for you? ;D
 — ollylama

spewing out chunks of our vomit, maybe.

no not nearly gross enough.
i won't be happy till you make my nerves howl like a troop of torture victims; give me original horror pushed with concentrated terror, till impetuous jets of my own vomit escape between my two grey lips.

is that possible?

winks mischieviously.

kaleidazcope
 — unknown

i think i love you kaleidazcope. i want to kiss your grey lips. but wipe the vomit off first.
 — ollylama

good.

but i think you could slightly alter the second stanza. either you need a semi-colon at the end of line 5, or you put a 'that' to begin line 5 without changing the punctuation.

i'm not completely sure of the blood bathed by water image yet.
 — nicl

very cool.
 — sweetascandy

i like to be kissed.

kaleidazcope
 — unknown

nice poem. our flood of tears is also diluting the blood of our slaughter. so much so that it is almost making it drinkable again. wouldn't that be nice.
 — hank

ick.  i think i like this poem the way it is.  (;
 — ducktape

so to comment on this poem:  nice jorb.  i really liked it, and i still do!  (;  i never commented on it before, but now i am.  it is very interesting how you bring crying into how we're mostly made of water, which is right.  I really like the last two lines--the way it all comes together.  (;  very nice.  (;  keep on writing!!  (;

~duckie
 — ducktape

thank you duckie. i hope you're not bleeding, crying, drowning or being slaughtered. floating is better.
 — ollylama

;)
 — Roz

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