poetry critical

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Act Two

Oh how this actress can deliver her line
Her script is wedged inside your skull
Along with wishes that the stage
Was the only break between you
At least it drags out another curtain call
“All the world’s a stage”, but you wonder
If you would just crawl backstage
And out once again
Could you force in your lines?
You’re not ready for the audience.
That same silken tongue
Once wrapped itself around yours
Now it forms words that stick
In your throat and choke
The same lines she rehearsed to her reflection
Become refreshingly monotonous
Under your breath you could sing a line
And she’d sing it back
She’s not ready for the audience.
This same silken tongue that wrapped
Itself around yours
Now howls and spits
She’s a Prima Donna, choking you.

From a hypothetical album. Should I incoorporate a blatant rhyming scheme of some sort?

26 May 05

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not blatant. choose the slants and surprise this one demands. it's an excellent start. perhaps an internal rhyme would serve it best.
 — Bloodfetish

If by album you mean this will be a song add some things to make it easier for you to sing. Alliteration and Assonance make things flow from your mouth a little better. You can pretty much break the words anywhere you want when its set to music. Just try to stay at least with keeping syllables together. Splitting up words isn't to bad as long as it goes to the music. If this isn't meant to be a song then I guess you can forget everything I just said. Rhyme helps a little too but you really dont want to force it.
 — InMyBlood

This is really good. But it could use something else. I really liked this a lot.
 — Lilac