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What happened to the thunderflies of my childhood?
bettalpha

Were they
 1
sucked up by hoovers attached to the wide faces
 2
of children on choppers; accessorised with fancy
 3
jelly-bean reflectors and long handlebar streamers
 4
 
 
or found wanting -- scattered in thick summer
 5
weeds near a bell tower: absent childhood
 6
buzzes and whirs, and I wonder, do they still sing?
 7

in collaboration with bloodfetish, with no artistic direction from noodleman.

27 May 05

Rated 3 (6.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 3
Inactive (5): 3, 5, 7, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

It leaves me thinking about my own childhood, and what happened to the moths. Thank you.
 — silhouetted

i dont like the format.

too dense for the subject.

i like the subject.

i want to see the flies bettalpha and i cannot see them.

if i could see them i would like this poem more.

noodleman.
 — unknown

how would you layout swarming thunderflies?
 — bettalpha

the sound of one wing flapping!
 — unknown

how would you lay out swarming thunderflies?

i am asking you. they are your flies. i only said i cannot see them.

show me the flies. :)
 — noodleman

to see my thunderflies you must peg your nose, close your mouth, shut your eyes tight, pour a bucket of hot water over your head on a very sweaty day and get a friend to pour a tonne of cooked wild rice in front of a jet engine blowing into your face

bettalpha
 — unknown

should we change sing to swarm noodleman?
 — unknown

Were they sucked up by  
     &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;              hoovers,  
    &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;    attached to wide faces
       & nbsp;       &nb sp;         ;        & nbsp;      of children on choppers;
                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;          accessorised by fancy
       & nbsp;       &nb sp;         ;        & nbsp;       &nb sp;         ;        & nbsp;       &nb sp;  jelly-bean reflectors
                 &n bsp;    and handlebar s t  r   e    a     m     e         r       s,

or found wanting

       &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;           scattered in
                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;          thicksummerweeds  
near a bell tower       &nb sp;         ;        & nbsp;       &nb sp; 
absent childhood
      &nb sp;         ;        & nbsp;       &nb sp;  buzzzzzzzzzzz
                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;                 and
                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;          whirrrrrrrrrrrrr
    &n bsp;       &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;                 &n bsp;       &nbs p;     and I wonder,
do they still


sing?
 — unknown

rats.

look here.

http://poetry.tetto.org/forum/read/31486/1/
 — noodleman

i love your poem.
 — noodleman

Awesome.
 — OKcomputer

thank you noodleman for

pegging your nose, closing your mouth, shutting your eyes tight, pouring a bucket of hot water over your head on a very sweaty day and getting a friend to pour a tonne of cooked wild rice in front of a jet engine blowing into your face       &nbs p;  and your artistic direction
 — bettalpha

i love rice and
i have a friend.

thank you.
 — noodleman

it's very long but couldn't be shorter
 — bettalpha

THATS THE PERFECT LENGTH FORE A POME
 — noodleman

i wish bloodfettish was here to see our words
 — bettalpha

will there ever be such a successful collaboration again?
 — kaleidazcope

bloodfetish
has died: the flies dance
his corpse
is happy


(would love another chance to play, betta ... our words are short when noodle-whipped)

--bf
 — unknown

I can't read this the way it is!  If you're trying to show how they fly, this isn't working for me.  I see all the great poet names attached and I want to like it but I can't this way.  There are only a couple of poets who have pulled this off well - Aforbing comes to mind and I know there is another who did a picture poem but they are so tough to do well.
 — Isabelle5

for isabelle

Were they
sucked up by hoovers attached to the wide faces
of children on choppers; accessorised with fancy
jelly-bean reflectors and long handlebar streamers

or found wanting -- scattered in thick summer
weeds near a bell tower: absent childhood
buzzes and whirs, and I wonder, do they still sing?
 — bettalpha

isabelle let me know which format you prefer
 — bettalpha

sometimes flies annoy people.
 — noodleman

i like flies
they know all the good restaurants


--bf
 — unknown

I can't believe the creativity of L3!  Where the hell did you get the idea for the positioning of 'up'?  This is a truly naff layout. It is tedious to read and very unimaginative.  I mean 'buzzzzzzzzzz' !  How creative is that,  and then there's 'whirrrrrrrrrrr'!!!    I think this childish nonsense is making a mockery of your poem.  Do yourself a favour and  just get back to collaborating with yourself.
 — unknown

i have the skin of a crocodile
 — unknown

Try some E45.
 — unknown

that is a nice word that naff.
 — unknown

naff off!
 — unknown

I think the keyboard work is kinda cool, but I don't know if it adds something, hides something or maybe it's the only thing.
 — cowork

so cool
 — em0o927

bettalpha, your first structure was fine. Noodles has problems--how do you draw thunderflies in a poem? This layout ruins the simple effectiveness of what you had previously.

Normally, scattered layouts like this make pieces look cheap; I've only fiddled with one of mine to this extent because it was integral to the piece itself.

What you had previously was fine.

If you are unsure of how to structure it, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Do you want to show other people the thunderflies, or is it mroe important that other people realise how important the thunderflies were (that the subject becomes secondary to the theme of childhood)?

If you want to show thunderflies, then keep as is, I suppose. If it's more about childhood, keep it simple; childhood was simple, remember.
-wendz

P.S. I liked this a lot.
 — unknown

veeddy goooood.
 — unknown

thank you everyone for your words
 — bettalpha

does anyone have jellybeans?

i have an immediate craving

Bifasssweettoof
 — unknown

i have a box of jellybellys. they're usayan. don't tell any of the usayans on here. but they're not as nice as jellybeans. and they come in snotty flavours too.  shhh.
 — bettalpha

joyus joy
 — onklcrispy

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