| When Lies Are Not Shed Like Dry Skin
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SweetPain
| Those rosey cheeks and everlasting smile | 1 |
are fading quickly. | 2 |
The boy use and the drug abuse | 3 |
has all been kept under cloaks of lies | 4 |
which are now moth eaten and unkempt | 5 |
with the dirty hand prints of party boys. | 6 |
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The drugs are spice's mix of everything from K to cocaine. | 7 |
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They boys get their fair share of her, | 8 |
she is passed around like a cheap joint. | 9 |
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The rope of lies ,once undone, now | 10 |
twists thicker into a hangman's noose, | 11 |
with her head in it's strong hold. | 12 |
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29 May 05 |
Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 8
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Dark
— Wix
thanx Wix. -SweetPain-
— unknown
no prbs, it's a good poem!
— Wix
could you rate it?
— unknown
awesome. I really like the changes made to this piece.
— madderhatter
thanx madhatter !
— SweetPain
*im mean madderhatter:P
— SweetPain
no more comments?
— SweetPain
This is very good in parts. You need to spend some time on typos and punctuation just to neaten it up.
Line 2 no comma necessary at the end of line
Line 4 remove comma after now
Line 6 passed not passes
Line 8 remove comma after undone
Just thought I would get those out of the way!
The language works very well in parts.
Line 4 'unkempt with the dirty handprints of party boys' great
Line 5 Compress maybe to 'A mixed spice of drugs from K to cocaine' - excellent image, wish I wrote it......:-)
Lines 6-7 'she is passed around like a cheap joint' I like this a lot but I'm not sure you need to say 'the boys get their share fair' (fair share?) of her as this is implicit
Your metaphors are a bit mixed. I think the cloak of lies (a bit cliched maybe?) turning into a rope of lies to hang her is a bit too flowery. Also, rosey cheeks and everlasting smile seems to paint an innocent picture that jars too much with what follows.
I think this could be very good with a bit of work. Great start.
smugzy
— unknown
the reason that image jars so much is because she is lieing to her family, and thank you sooooo much sumgzy! i've havent gotten a good critique in a long while.
— SweetPain
Aaah, I see. That makes sense. So maybe the fact that she's lying to her family could be made clearer or maybe I'm just a bit slow here!!.......:-)
I read your comment on the messageboard and really hope you will stick around. Your work is worth the effort. I'm at a similar place where I have to do some work or accept the level I'm at. We can do it! (I'm nearly 40 and I suspect you're a lot younger - so plenty of time to improve for you!).
Good luck anyway....:-)
smugzy
— unknown
i am not leaving any time soon smugzy dont worry! i will be around for a long time, love me or hate me. its just this place gets aggrivating sometimes, i love it but i just see no reason to go on anymore sometimes. and we are human, and humans are allows learning and growing and you've got plenty of time to do that! im sure your poetry will allows be getting better. its people like you that make me want to stay :D
— SweetPain
The last stanza is very powerful.
— Hear
thank hear.
— SweetPain
L3 bad wording
L7 should the apostrophe be there?
L12 commas around "once undone"
L3-6 should all be one sentence, i.e. delete period on L4
what is K?
— inutile
thanks inutile! and k is drug, short form for this drug used on animals i think. but im sure its a drug.
— SweetPain
This has power but i don't see why L9,10 and 11 need seperate lines
— larrylark
yeah neither do i, thanks for pointing that out larrylark :D
— SweetPain
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