poetry critical

online poetry workshop



females
hank

i saved two of you today
 1
on the road looking tiptoed
 2
lifted high from the heat
 3
of asphalt you made
 4
crossroad journeys
 5
far away far from home
 6
is where you both decided
 7
decidedly they will go
 8
and to me you long ago
 9
rewarded at the lake
 10

9 Jun 05

Rated 9 (8.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (8): 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10

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(440 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

very e.e. i think, I love "looking tiptoed lifted high from the heat"
question: "you both decided/decidely they will go"  is there a tense shift or am i reading it wrong?  it just sounds funny either way.
the last line is worded sort of weird too.  take a second look.
good poem though.  clear and strong but needs a little rewriting.
 — nlive

nice comments. but it's all ok to what what i meant/mean.
 — hank

i mean i reread. tons.
 — hank

Well firstly you have no punctuation at all. This troubles me. Why isn't there any punctuation? To me the lack of punctuation throws me off and makes it so difficult to decipher.I can see that the poem ihas such depth and inner meaning but the lack of punctuations makes it hard to comprehend.
 — lodza

only if your imagination is extinct.
 — hank

punctuation interrupts my thinking.
 — hank

NONE AT ALL. HOLY SHIT> I MUST"
VE FORGOT!!!!
 — hank

i am confused to the edges of my brain. i might get two people, two carrier pigeons and a lost message/reward, but it's fleeting.
 — bettalpha

expand the edges of your brain. you are possibly being overly anthropomorphic.
 — hank

if i kissed this poem i believe it would be a sculpture.

kissing?
 — kaleidazcope

Were you stoned when you wrote this?  It makes no real sense, although it's written so that you think there is something.  

Punctuation is vital to this.  Without it, this is mere arrogance on the poet's part, hoping the reader will be able to muddle through.

People who say they eschew punctuation either don't know how to use it well or feel they are above the rules.  HANK!  Since you are neither of those generally, what's with the lack of?
 — Isabelle5

why does my poem have to make sense to anyone but me? and why would i use punctuation when all i am concerned with are the words.
i was driving around my home country this spring and came across two snapping turtles (in different locations) as they were crossing the road, like they do in the spring, to go further afield to lay their eggs, and i removed them to the side of the road toward which they were headed so they wouldn't end up smashed, thus 'saving them'. when they walk they are very high off the road, 'tiptoed' it seemed to me, and take pains (or decide) to nest 'far away far from (their) home' and when the hatchlings hatch they also decidedly go in their own direction. when i was young i was witness to snapping turtles mating in the lake i grew up on, slowly rolling in an embrace just under the surface of the clear, fresh water, and that to me is a gift, a 'reward', that, in my mind suffices as payback, albeit 25 years in advance, of my 'saving' them from the road.
i don't care if my poem makes no sense to you. it's mine. i wrote it to the snapping turtles. they get it.
so, isabelle, feel free to follow the rules. please leave me to my own. it's just fucking poetry.
 — hank

Well, hank, I'll say again this is POETRY CRITICAL.

There are a lot of places you can post just to be read.  This site expects you welcome suggestions on how to improve.

If a poem makes no sense to anyone but the author, what is the point of letting anyone else read it?
 — Isabelle5

p.s.- i wasn't stoned.
 — hank

I like this ALOT!  Very much.  This is Very Good!
 — BoundFeet

oh, i didn't read any suggestions on how to improve.
 — hank

and, most of the poems on pc make no sense to me (although i understand them), but i still read them.
 — hank

and maybe even leave a 'nice poem' if i think they are good.
 — hank

also isabelle, when poetry creates different references and pictures in different readers minds and challenges them to be imaginative- i think that is good. i like doing that with my words.
 — hank

nice poem

;)
 — sam

Thanks for the explanation.  Nothing like what I thought it was.
 — Isabelle5

that's good, i like that. (that you thought it was something different)
 — hank

im sorry hank i knew it was turtles. ive seen them do that. good poem. i like your poems usually. except when i dont. but usually.

-noodleman too lazy to sign in.
 — unknown

yahooooo this is good
 — Estrella

i once hitched a ride with a guy who worked in an aquarium.
i held a bucket on my lap for him with a couple of turtles at the bottom.

i had forgotten till now.
he told me about his passion for rescuuing turtles and rays.
you don't get rides much better than that, other than in electric cars.

ps: openly interpretable poems are fun.
 — kaleidazcope

At first I thought this was little girls on a journey, looking knock-kneed as they hot footed it over a hot road, having been a small girl who did that very thing often.  I thought maybe a Dad had come along and spotted them, rescued them.

Didn't even think of the turtles I've helped along the way.  
 — Isabelle5

This has real flow and is beautifully worded
 — larrylark

mmmmm....... wonderful, but
could be chopped into a more minimalist piece -- i.e: the word "you" used four times.
 — banditfemme

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