| Razorblade Love
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GoThIcSlUt69
| this is one of the sickest poems i have written....
| He watches while she ruins her life. | 1 |
He didn't mean to fuck her inside. | 2 |
Thinking the razorblades would be a fun thing to try. | 3 |
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Now she bleeds within. | 4 |
The tears flow from her eyes. | 5 |
From the thoughts of old times in her life. | 6 |
He just wanted her to enjoy the pain of the blades going in and out of her forbidden body. | 7 |
| |
She screams while he pushes his fingers with razorblades deep inside. | 8 |
He wants to stop but she pushes him deeper within. | 9 |
He watches her eyes fall back inside her head. | 10 |
The pleasure he brings makes him uncontrolably hard within his pants. | 11 |
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He hands her his bloody blades. | 12 |
While she is holding his harden dick, | 13 |
She goes down slowly then comes up fast with the blades tearing at his tender skin. | 14 |
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He screams in painful pleasure. | 15 |
Now he tears in the thought of wanting to fuck her insides again. | 16 |
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The blades tear at the walls of her tender hole. | 17 |
Blood becomes their only lubricant. | 18 |
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When she screams, he crys. | 19 |
He hates to hear the pain he brings. | 20 |
But pleasure is all he creates inside her. | 21 |
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They lay their with blood sliding between them. | 22 |
The pleasure and torture is done. | 23 |
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9 Jun 05 |
Rated 6.8 (6) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 5, 5, 6, 7
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10
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(35 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
jesus christ.
— unknown
OMFG.. this is sick.. yet slightly good... I'll critique it properly when I have more time. Good descriptions by the way.
— Gabriella
thanks for that i just got done posting it tooo
— GoThIcSlUt69
I love it..at first i saw it and wasnt going to read it, and it just caught me i love it love it love it..going into my favorites now!
— xdarkxeyesx
im glad that you like it
— GoThIcSlUt69
Ok , i promised this a critique, I do that a lot, sometimes I do seem to forget the poems I promise critiques to, but this one I have found yay. First thing, get rid of the introduction, you just ruined the whole anticipation thing.
L2 "fuck her insides?" what exactly did he "fuck" her intestines, guts so forth? It'd be better if you left it singular.
L3 Thinking the razors would be a fun thing to try," I think if you change it to that, or something of that sort, it would sound better. I would reconstruct that stanza, it seems a bit too simple.
L4 take out Now.
L8 through 11 need work They should also be combined together.
L13 is holds.
wow that is really a sick, yet slightly good violent poem. If you perfer this kind of writing, I would recommend "Sweet Valentine (A love Ode) by Feltpen. That poem is sick and it rhymes. Hopefully you'll take my suggestions to mind. If not, then ok, my rating stays at 8.
— Gabriella
thanks gabriella for the comments and i did use your suggestions and i fixed my poem up a little bit....thanks again and i will take a look at the poem u suggested
— GoThIcSlUt69
Why would you even think of this? Razor blades into a woman's body? Sick and horrifying.
— Isabelle5
i got the idea from my ex-bf's song razorblade pussy that him and his band made....so i decided to write a poem and they might use it as the words to their song....
— GoThIcSlUt69
Isn't it amazing what men will think of to stick in there! Like it's only there for their entertainment.
I'm glad you left the comment on why you wrote it. Whew!
— Isabelle5
Yeah I know wat you mean but Im a lover of pain so this doesnt really freak me out or nethang...and your welcome on y i wrote it....
— GoThIcSlUt69
what the? that would take some cleaning up afterwards....
— unknown
ouch. intense. that's a sick thought.
this is pretty good, though. i hate to say it (just because i find it so brutal), but it is sort of interesting, in a way. cuz i've never imagined that. i'd rather not think of this much, though.
wow, i can't imagine how you're a lover of pain and this doesn't freak you out, like you said. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just that needles, hooks, and pretty much all sharp things like that make me cringe. i hate them. and blood, too. yuuuuuuuck
— woman_power
Your punctuation is way off in certain places.
There's a lot of cliche here...things like "Now she bleeds within", and basically the entire second stanza. They are stained with emo phrases that have been said before.
Some of your lines don't make sense, "he didn't mean to fuck her inside"...I think he did mean to. The rest of the poem suggests this.
There are some minor spelling errors such as "crys" in line 19--should be "cries". In line 22, it should be "They lay there with blood sliding".
Overall you created a poem that really was only made because it looks "cool" and sounds like it was written by someone who almost failed English. Sorry, I'm harsh this week, but if it was not said you would not strive to be better.
— Rhein
thanks for the harsh comments on my poem i did struggle in English and I write poems just to get shyt off my mind and to have a little fun....I never said I was the best and I dont plan on it either....Thanks anyways
— GoThIcSlUt69
Some say that you can write about anything, as long as you present it in a way that makes the subject matter agreeable, interesting, beautiful, etc, and I agree with them. The problem with this poem is not that you're writing about fucking some chick with a razor (wtf???), the problem is that the presentation is so aggresively cliche that the poem becomes a parody of itself. I feel like this is something a comedian would read in an act making fun of emo kids and their lame ass poetry.
L3: I'm not sure that line is a complete sentence. It's ok to use fragments in poetry, but it doesn't seem like you were going for that with this poem.
L6: fragment?
L7: should it be in and out OF her forbidden body?
L11: typo.
L18: typo.
L22: typo.
L20-21: He brings pain, but in the next line he ONLY creates pleasure? I don't get it.
I hope that was helpful. Sorry if I was a little harsh. Feel free to rip one of my poems.
— Charlie
You said it all in your intro
— larrylark
woahwoahwoahwoahwoah!!!!!!!!! its sick...but its fuckin good, but yet omfg!! but then wow!!
— unknown
that poem is sick but its good :) x
— unknown
Thanks for the comments....and Charlie I'm glad that you gave me those comments....I understand wat you are saying and I apperiate that alot....Thank you
— GoThIcSlUt69
eh...average for me. sorry.
— unknown
wtf?!?!?!?! thats so wrong in so many ways
— unknown
How is this wrong????
— GoThIcSlUt69
God bless you...
— unknown
by far my favorite of yours, its really amazing, especially the lines 'blood becomes their only lubricant' and 'they lay their with blood sliding between them.'
this is such an extremely vivid poem, i love it for its brutality and its imagery
— sweetlemon
Very dark and free, I like it. I tried something similar but held back when experimenting with writing darkly, and because of this it didn’t work in the many ways this does.
It has made me feel ill mind you. :o{
Lubricating is spelt wrong is it not?
— TheJediPimpz
I like this poem. I like the way you take "the sensual" to another dimension. Never used razor blades before, but hey...you do a good job at painting a vivid picture in words. I would pay closer attention to spelling and redundance. As with a nice cut of steak, you would want to trim the fat before putting in on the grill, right? Just trim the "fat" of your writing and you'll see how "truly effective" a poem's picture (in words) can be. And nevermind the "idiots" that come in and cut your writing up with nothing but "harshness" as their tool rather than what this workshop is about, which is "constructive, as opposed to DEstructive" criticism. How can you aspire to be a better writer when people come in here with the sole purpose of being "assholes?" You can't. So, keep up the good work and remember, poetry is "the essence of a feeling," as Maya Angelou has been quoted in saying. YOUR feelings. No one elses. And everyone's "feelings" are different-not better, not worse, "different. That what makes poetry the beautiful artform that it is. Good luck!
— starr
Thankies for all the comments....
— GoThIcSlUt69
This is EFFING AMAZING. I love it. Amazingly Amazing.
— unknown
OMG! I love that poem. I still can't get over it. It's so sick and fucking twisted, but its great. Just wow. I love your poems! But this is my favorite of all. Its just like really good. I have never been able to write anything like that. If I ever meet you, I'll be...I don't know what I'll be, but I'm sure it would be great
— unknown
Well, it certainly causes a rather visceral reaction. I must say however, I am a little disappointed by the piece. There is so much one could do with a poem that deals with the emotional and physical intricacies of pleasure and pain. This is pure suffering that is either pathological or very adolescent.
Line 18 though... nice.
— Thorne
wow. okay. i still want to meet you. I mean, your response made it even better. Just your writing, it amazes me. I've never been able to read anything that is so gooood, but at the same time, so intriguing. I didn't lose interest at all. Normally when i read other people's poems i just don't really pay attention...they don't have enough spunk, so I just give up after a while. But when poems tend to be good, i notice things that they need to correct (i think you just have like one mispelling, that's about it) and i become amazed. I probably sound like a snobby bitch right now, but I'm not, its just really good. But it gave my boyfriend a limp dick. thats the only thing that sux. Bye
— unknown
you fucking loser emo kids.. that is so pathetic. you people have no problems. just think you do..
one word..
FAG
— unknown
wat a fucking awesome poem its brilliant thankyou so much for this
— unknown
omg this is such a g8 poem
i luv it
— unknown
Wow... that poem is amazing
— unknown
kinda hot
— unknown
Is this supposed to be comic relief? The spelling alone makes me giggle. What a mess.
— unknown
i am realy embarrassing bout my reaction to this. the same weigh i was when i snuki into movie place at age 8 and saw realm of senses by mistake. i got my first period during that movies -- and i did not have a tampon wid me. but i coiu't leave the moveie. i had to watch the woman walk around wid the penis cuttof but inside her.
anyway. no one is watching so i can tell you my bioligocial reactioning to your poem.
line 10: first vaginal contraction
line 12: first cream
line 14: clitoral swelling
line 15: twinge fringing labia
line 17: multiple contractions
line 19: orgasm
line 20: orgasm
line 21: french orgasm
line 22: baptist orgasm
line 23: triple back flip orgasm
thanks
— unknown
thats sick!
— unknown
SICK SICK PERSON. :|
— unknown
I felt compelled to comment on this.
Their is a type of poetry i like to call 'Pimple Poetry', this reeks of it. Lame images and an obsession with blood detailed in a totally unimaginative way.
It can be imaginative, style can overcome substance if the balance is right but this is one car wreck of poetry with words in the passenger seat.
If you are at least going to be misogynistic at least try and delve in to the psyche of the perpertrator and his reason for doing this. A convoluted and schlock attempt to try and get people to feel repulsion will not work because your poem is ludicrous.
Several famous italian directors (you may not have heard of as hollywood ripped off their ideas in more mainstream films) achieved the balance of ultra violence, misogyny and style over subtance because they invented a whole new genre of film which introduced new boundaries to horror. Mario Bava, George A Romero and Dario Argento all worshipped and reviled but pivotal to new artist like Tarantino re-creating the genre with a new twist.
This is what all young gothic, razor blade poets need to think of before they write on subjects like these.
Why not try and make us feel like voyeurs to the violence in your poem and argue in the poem with a fitting end that we dont have to read but chose to.
I only read half way through because i lost respect for the artist - why?
Because the work was careless, cliched and hopelessly written.
Please dont take this criticism personally just think on what i have said.
This could be good, you have a wild unabandoned imagination but its like a rabid dog being walked by a blindman.
Caducus
— unknown
I almost don't want to like this poem, but I do
Is that so wrong?
— Kellie_Fern
OMG THIS IS ACE!!!!
— unknown
I simplily love it
— unknown
This is lovely in the most morbid, painful, taboo way possible. Love it. Take the comments on grammar and such above into consideration, but overall - Love.
— WordsAndMe
emo bullshit
— unknown
wow holy shit this is a mad ass poem, both crazy and cool!
— unknown
love the peom!! my friends at school told me that it was sick and horrible. but i think its unique and amazing!!! great job!! if you get anymore poems about things like this, with emo's and stuff, plz email me and tell me the link so i can read them! i really enjoyed it! its kinda sweet ^_^
— unknown
Ghastly and attention seeking
— larrylark
Sick, certainly, but an innovative idea covered pretty well - some places could be written better (L11, L13, L16-17), but some places are really well done too (L18, L22-23). I fear yet am morbidly fascinated by the peice - a fun position to be in after reading poetry. Nice job.
— WordsAndMe
FRIGGIN AWSOME!!! SOOO SECUAL!!! WANA SHAG NOW!!!
— unknown
Wow, ew, thats hot, but ew.
Some wording I'm not too fond of. L11 "within his pants" doesn't need to be there, L17 "hole" should be changed, thought I don't know to what.
Last line is a little weak for the rest of the poem.
Over all I love it, I think it's a favorite.
— FolleRouge
get help...child... xD jk good poem.
— unknown
god rid us of teenagers
— unknown
L18, lubricant.
i've read this before.
theres something about it.
so wrong...yet so right?
hmm.
i kinda like it & the controversy it stirs up.
x
— redbracelet
wow it makes me horny reading this!!!!!!!!!11
— unknown
My, the blood inside
What a day
When the blood inside slaps white on her face.
Sleep, just sleep,
Rock your tears
Forming like sweat drops
on a Blood dead
drill drunk
fear.
Look, this poem is a billless platypussy. You got ugly and retard dripping all over this masochistic fantasy of yours. How people enjoy this human excrement is beyond me, my next poem will be an "ode to constipation."
Go back to the hole you stepped out of and wake the fuck up. I think this poem would be creative if while all the cutting and gore was taking place, the body would just begin to speak, like we all speak.
The body would say, "you stupid pieces of shit, I am the result of planetary dust and millions of years of evolution and I got stuck with some obtuse vampire who takes pleasure in fucking with history. Bitch, I was a fish, a fucking fish! And now, as I stand great and tall, with self-conciousness, I got paired with your morsel of a mind. Fuck you God," Then the body would die and your stupid ass soul would not even notice, still worrying about cutting and blood and hard bulging penises.
This poem does not have a letter of benifit, and now after reading this poem 10 times I will be constipated from such a load of bullshit.
Really, please, for the sake of enlightenment, listen to your body. You are offering rotting fruit, and only stupid/complacent/witches will accept rotting fruit. Why, because it makes you lose apart of yourself.
— pra3torian
wtf is wrong w/ u who ever wrote that is a fucking physcho. how the fuck u come up with this shit
— unknown
this....reminds me to....well......what i did long time ago with....well...lts call hem fangs :]x
— unknown
this ppoem is so awsome. it souds so charles manson i love it. wish i was that twisted
— Dead_Freak
i think i speak for everybody when i say what the fuck
— unknown
i think its brilliant!
— unknown
i wouldn't pay money for it.
— unknown
JEASUS TITTY FUCKING CHIRST
— unknown
I know - this is a sick poem - it makes me want to vomit every time i see iti n the list. apparently people think that makes it good.
— unknown
interesting. Dark, but I like it. I like that it isnt just about a man inflicting pain on a woman, but about mutual pain and pleasure.
— unknown
this poem ios kinda sick, but yet fucking awesome!!
— unknown
OH MY GAWD!!!!!! thats so...yuck but well dun anyway thats a really good poem how do u think of stuff like that!
— unknown
It looks to me like the author has made most of the comments here - spelling is the same and the sentiments are repetitive. It appears to me that the author is merely seeking attention, over and over again.
— Meredith
this poem is completely sick
pointless and fucking disgusting.
I agree with meredith above
and think the author of this
poem may be a serial killer
in blossom.
It is typical of serial killers to
fantasize visions like this.
get some help before you kill someone.
— unknown
i dont care what they say so what its sick and yes maybe a little bit wrong but who cares its a realy good poem i like it i want a copy of it then i can say i found someone in this world that is more sick and twisted than i am but great poem keep em coming
— Dead_Freak
you are fucking sick you belong in a fucking instution !
— unknown
i quite luff it xxxx
— razorkissed
sick poem
does not make sense in places, needs a lot of editing but as you take no suggestions from anyone else I won't waste my time.
— marieF
amaziing.xx
— unknown
surprisingly I really liked this. It is however, very sick. Are thete people that would do that? it's written very well, manages to hold some dignity despite the subject.
— callingcard
you fucking retard...kill yourself emo freak
— unknown
this is a good poem, just a bit disturbing. you're obviously very imaginative, but it seems like you're imaginative in a way that's hard to describe.
it would have been better id you had talked how he fucked her inside, as in mentally.
i thought that's what it was going to be about, that he encouraged her to cut herself now she is crazy.
no matter how sick it is, it was strangely good.
— unknown
sik az,, but yet soo true
— unknown
cant you let this die its own sick death.
— unknown
wow, now this is one unique poem. you don't read about this everyday...
(ouch)
thanks for the originality. hey hey! it's not so cliche! lol.
take care.
~duckie
— ducktape
this is some fucked up emo shit .........but i like it
— unknown
this is my favrioute on the website
— chemicalME
Well, I officially feel dumber after having read this! Pathetic! This is not poetry, this is vulgarity!
— valleygirl
Nice. It's a beautiful poem about pain and S&M. Never read anything like it.
— BondageLover
That's disgusting...
— Courtney01
sICK BUT GOOD LYRICS CHOSEN AWESOME!!
— unknown
An interesting account of one of the peversions that seem so prevalent in out modern society. I was only saying at my bible class the other week, " Who the fuck do these fuckin' wankers think they are. Fer Christs sake , Jesus." Its one of those card board cut out poems without substance that parade across this board.
— larrylark
u should be killed u emo piece of shit
— unknown
u should be shot u emo pice of shit
— unknown
And yet Larry - it continues to reappear to disgust those of us who are interested in art, skill, and beauty.
— violet
i wish that when a poem gets its 5th 1 rating it woudl disappear
— unknown
AND THAT IS HOW THEY HAVE SEX...
— unknown
and quote:An interesting account of one of the peversions that seem so prevalent in out modern society. I was only saying at my bible class the other week, " Who the fuck do these fuckin' wankers think they are. Fer Christs sake , Jesus." Its one of those card board cut out poems without substance that parade across this board.
— larrylark
you sir are an idiot this is what art looks like art suposed to push boundries and shock you so shut the fuck up you god damn religion pusher this is awsome poem and it should be appreciated not condemed you brainless twit go suck a dick
- ellie aka Dead_Freak
— unknown
well dead freak
larry was speaking sarcastically. I dont really think he was pushing a religon.
read a little closer next time.
Art is about people expressing themselves. And GoThIcSlUt69 has expressed himself surely. But if the only two criterion were that it had to shock and push boundries then any evening news show would be art or perhaps the Iraq war can be considered art. What about the rape of a 5 year old.
Shock and horror do not necessarily make art. Especially when it is created for the purpose of shocking and horrifying. Lines like When she screams, he crys.
He hates to hear the pain he brings. and Now he tears in the thought of wanting to fuck her insides again are senseless and contradictory.
In short the poem is boring.
— unknown
I wouldn't mind suckin your cock (i'm gay, btw...) YUMMY!
— unknown
what the fuck is wrong with you
— unknown
get some brains you sick cunts have sex with real luve and a condom you are so fuckin dumb i hope some one hunts you down like a dog you SICK CUNT!!
— unknown
TRUE TRUE FUCK OFF !!! FERAL CUNTS P.S. I LOVE PUNK ROCK <3
— unknown
You are a dead set FAGGOT.. With all this cutting you emo cunts seem to be doing, why aren't you dieing? I wish you would. "this is one of the sickest poems i have written...." Your right there you sick fuck.. I HATE YOU :)
— unknown
I want to shit on your face and suffocate you with fart :).. ii {[
P.S I ALSO LOVE PUNK ROCK!
— unknown
SICK MAN .... JUST SICK
— unknown
Ace the best poem i have read i can really imagine the pain!
— unknown
aweful
— unknown
its a bit wierd...but also fucking awesome!!,..nice one =D
to all you CUNTS who think it is utter shit, you shouldn't criticise the writer coz they have imagination which is obviously something you twats dont have!
luffs xxx<33
— unknown
i kind of didn't want to comment on this poem becaus ei think its gotten way more attention than it deserves. its just a bad piece. you say nothing new about this topic. try being creative with your images and push past the obvious. its not a bad idea, its just poorly presented.
— tragicbubble
kk, that was honestly gross.. i got lost at " the blades tear at the walls of her tender hole " .... did he like, tie razorblades to his dick or something? like.. ew god this is really sick.. i like to read poems about razorblades though..this is the sickest ive read so far.. 5/10
- sum gurl
— unknown
anyways, i think its overall pretty good
- i can just feel the pain when im reading.
- good description
- nice imagination
- Id like to hear more poems about razorblades pleassssee
xoxox actually i rate 7/10 !! :D
-sum gurl
— unknown
SHEER AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!
— unknown
i kind of really love this
— unknown
This is so juvenile. Just like the stupid conversations 9 year olds have
about what they think sex is.
you are an idiot.
— unknown
Dude, That's some shit right there!
Awesome man! Very Powerful... and detailed!
— unknown
in love with this.
— unknown
Not that I'm uber-down witht the bdsm (and more extreme), but its shame some people are so vanilla they will rate this poem so lowly with no explination. Sick and twisted and well frickin written.
— WordsAndMe
Didnt Cannibal corpse do this already, "fucked with a knife" kind of reminds me of a scene from a obscure horror film..... maybe you could make a little more graphic.... or not
— blinddarksun
Wow dude, you're a pussy little faggot, arent you?
— unknown
super faggy
maybe you should go kill yourself
— unknown
This is incredibly sick and yet tasteful at the same time. It's very edgy and different. It's written very well, and has great shock value. This is the kind of poetry that intrigues me yet disturbs me at the same time. The whole things seems almost like a metaphor to something more common.
— Bandrews
wow , dude thats a little weird , it sucks !!! pussy wanna be
— unknown
great poem i love to mess with razorblade and nething to do with a razorblade
— unknown
thats actually really gud
— unknown
only one point. If your going to be as direct as this deserves then please don't give up on "her insides". I would be specify something graphic, to keep the tone fluent. If Im going to feel sickened by something then by fuck sicken me completely! Be relentless! This is a topic, I'll wager, not too many people will have an insight into. Exploit that. Not in fabrication but by just question their morality
— SolCarloman
Omg what the hell? you are sick in the head!.
— unknown
tht is well gud...as sed b4 sligtly disturbing but very gud detail keep writing thm xxx
— unknown
If this rhymed, you'd be on to something. 7/10
— Henry
umm creative i spose even thow it makes me want to hurl no offence i mena its good but SICK SICK SICK i really hope none of this accually happened other wise you have problems xoxox
— unknown
Very well done.
— unknown
this is sick! you fucking emo!
— unknown
sick but funni
— unknown
i am impassive and unimpressed
this is clearly an attempt to be 'dangerous of thought' and 'dark of mind'
it is poorly written and says nothing about anything
— Mongrol
... o.. m.. g..
Okay, everyone at school calls me emo, but that is just PLAIN SICK...
But yeah... I had to laugh at it the second time through reading it =P
— unknown
This is the best sadomasochistic poem I've EVER read. Even with the typo's its freaking awe inspiring.
I think I might love you..
— fozzfozz
i can relate
— unknown
wow
— unknown
i fucking love it! its so unique and fucked up that it graps me and drags me in, wow, just wow..
— unknown
best thing i've ever read...no joke <3
— unknown
i love i thought it wld be disterbing at first but i like i love it love it love it
— unknown
damn.
wow.
— unknown
Thanks again for all the comments from those who love my poem. Just so you all know im a GIRL!!! I just wrote this from a guys point of view. Im also not emo. This is now an old poem to me. It came to me one day in school of my senior year. I dont know why I even thought of such a thing. But I did. Im not a serial killer. I dont even write anymore. It was just a short period of time. More like a phase.
— GoThIcSlUt69
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