| Dancing to Sex
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woman_power
| content, format and punctuation edited 5/04/08
| Beside PB&J crusts on a plate | 1 |
with ten toes wiggling | 2 |
and two-day-old greasy hair | 3 |
pulled back in a neatly woven bun, | 4 |
you silently remind me of years ago | 5 |
and make me smile. | 6 |
You tell me of your journeys | 7 |
of stepping outside your body | 8 |
and enjoying every minute | 9 |
of throwing your head back and laughing | 10 |
at yourself. | 11 |
My desire to wrap my limbs around you swells. | 12 |
I reach out | 13 |
to the switch— | 14 |
(I can always hear you better | 15 |
with the light off) and | 16 |
eyelids droop as | 17 |
words melt through | 18 |
swiftly settling sleep | 19 |
and stray smoke swirling to music. | 20 |
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12 Jun 05 |
Rated 8.8 (8.3) by 11 users.
Active (11): 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (22): 1, 5, 5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I think this is all perfect exept for the last line. The image itself is more powerful than the confirmation at the end. Think it over, maybe some more breaks and punctuation...
delicious.
— madderhatter
Beautiful. I like it all including the last line. Very descriptive and lovingly cool.
— wamblicante
thanks madderhatter and wamblicante!!
madderhatter, i'll consider what you said about the last line...
— woman_power
I agree. This poem is very intimate and pretty romantic already, and it kind of clunks at the end. I say take it off completely. But great job.
— CantTell
hmmmm.....thanks for the advice. i think i will adjust the ending....
— woman_power
Still a beautiful ending, even better!
— wamblicante
OoooOOOooo I like this I do!
— Delicatelie
aw thanks wamblicante and Delicatelie!
Delicatelie: i checked out (and like!) your poem "Perspective", and i also like "Wrong Girl"
— woman_power
This is just so good,what an atmosphere you create here
— larrylark
hey, thanks larrylark! :)
— woman_power
Hello Power good to see you again with another poem.
Eating PB&J with the crusts cut off,
shoes off,
two-day-old greasy hair
pulled back in a neatly woven bun,
[these first three lines are good they set the mood well but just to get more effect from the second line i think you should instead of saying 'shoes off' give us a more solid image of bare feet, maybe even something as simple as feet off or bare feet slap]
you silently remind me of years ago,
and make me smile.
[these last two lines i think could be movced down for greater effect to maybe after line 11]
You tell me about your journeys
of stepping outside your body
and enjoying every minute of
throwing your head back
and laughing at yourself;
my desire to wrap my limbs
around you swells.
[i think you can move 'swells' down to make it a line on its own]
I reach (to the switch;
[also for greater effect move the words 'to the switch' down to make them a line on thier own as well instead of bracketing the entire (to the switch I can always hear you better with the lights off) start the brackets on the fifteenth line only bracketing (i can always hear you better withthe lights off)
I can always hear you better
with the light off) and
my eyelids droop as
our words melt through
swiftly settling sleep
and smoke swirling to music.
nice
JT
— unknown
hey JT! good to see you on here again, too! and you have a couple new poems, too...i'm pretty sure i commented on one a few days ago...
thanks for the suggestions
(i did edit this...AGAIN...like, again again, and i used some of your suggestions about the switch and stuff...)
— woman_power
How? Wow! Wow! This is better than I expected! Si! SI!
|16-|17 -- beautiful!!
Melting words -- yes! It's sex! This is sex, and the words and thoughts melt away as our minds surrender control!!
Vunderful!
— OKcomputer
wow, okc, what a compliment! thanks! :)
— woman_power
anyone else?...
— woman_power
This is so good - the flow is near perfect and it embraces all the senses. It makes an extraordinary thing out of ordinary life.
— opal
thanks so much, opal. that means a lot...and thanks for commenting on several of my poems! :)
— woman_power
ok, so i know how everyone hates the "will someone please comment on my poem?" pleas (including me), but i'm doing one here. i haven't posted any poems in ages, but i was going though the ones i do have on here and i came across this one. the last time it was commented on was over 4 months ago, and i would really like to know what others think of it. merci beaucoup
— woman_power
It's a great poem, yes, but I don't need to know that her hair is greasy. In fact, it's a turn off in an otherwise turn on poem
— unknown
i thought it was interesting, unknown, how you said you "don't need to know" that her hair is greasy. while that may not appeal to you, it's part of the poem. it will not be changed. my goal is not always to write what pleases the eye.
but thanks for stopping to comment. really.
— woman_power
I'm the unknown who wrote " I don't need to know about her greasy hair," and--
I see that I was wrongwrongwrong. I'm sorry about making such a ludicrous comment. I don't know what I was thinking. It's a beautiful poem. All of it. Each word. Each image. Each unwritten word. Plrease aceept my congratulations and my apologies.
graceinmtl
— unknown
it's ok graceinmtl! no hard feelings. i wasn't offended or anything. just letting you know my reactions to your first comment.
but thanks for owning up to it. that was big of you. of course i accept your apologies.
i, too, have given comments and happen to stumble upon them later and was like, I SAID THAT?? haha...i think we probably all do. no big deal.
thanks a lot for the praises too! those are always good to see :)
as for the unknown who commented before you, i don't know what his/her deal is. ha
thanks for communicating, hope to see ya around.
— woman_power
i love comments!
(hint hint...)
— woman_power
Hi, most the comments above seemed to have covered it, by what I can make from them this has revised and is now a nicely polished piece. I have a couple comments / suggestions: L3 I don't like greasy - an ugly word/image, perhaps something soft like 'uncombed'? (I know this would effect l4 neatly/tightly?). L16/17 are my favorites, but may would be better still in the past tense 'I have always heard you better or I have always been able.... The last three lines offer a very nice finish. I'm glad you bumped it, else I wouldn't have had the pleasure! - thanks
— hobby
Light, fluffy, smooth, creamy and potent. Like a tissue tossed in front of an oscillating fan. I like the feathery flight of this poem very much. Just beautiful, smoke 'n all (at the end). I rate it a 10.
— starr
Great job.
8
— lieskilllies
thanks guys!
hobby: i already addressed the issue with the word 'greasy' a few comments ago. but thank you for the nice words!
starr: what a lovely comment! so nice to hear...thanks a lot
lieskilllies: thanks for stopping and rating!
— woman_power
I like it all, except the "eyelids droop", it doesn't fit quite right.
— unknown
aww, that was so cool. i really liked the end. very nice work.
— lillas
nothing like the dep sleep after mad crazy sexual involvements, why is it you crave food after sex and reefer. save time and enjoy both at once, but then we may get fat, good write
— coodaygraw
love the timing of the last line....it "brought home the bacon" so to speak...
lovely imagery
— mr_e
thanks guys. although, coodaygraw, this is not particularly about sex or drugs, i like your take on it!
— woman_power
love. me + this poem = love.
well done!
— WordsAndMe
Soon as line 4 comes... it hits you like a highly sensatious novel....
— unknown
This poem makes me real happy!
— FolleRouge
thanks everyone. i'm glad people enjoy this.
— woman_power
Until the poem becomes sexual, it reminds me of a great friend of mine - even when it does take that turn, I can still relate it to she and I. I love the multi-fascited quality of this peice, woman_power. A great write.
— WordsAndMe
thanks again, WordsAndMe! i’ve been meaning to tell you, you really are a great attribute to this site in many ways, one being your constant positive attitude and overflow of encouragement towards all.
— woman_power
excellet poem, don't change anything, every imagine is done well
— gjenkins
merci, merci
— woman_power
very intimate! i felt like i was there, well crafted, nice aray and choice of words. youve earned these ratings! well if you get a chance im still new here, id like for your comments
— ken
i like the feeling this makes (:
— ruyi
Woolen sheep make the barn yard noises most poets need to hear.
Woo them carefully.
Until then, your "poem" is not worth my time or critique. I don't even know why I tried being creative here. Hell, I don't know why I do anything anymore.
The long standing tradition of turds actually rolling up hills remains. Maybe we need a pie eating contest, an apple bobbing station, and a good ol' familial blind date set up. Woo how!
— pra3torian
ok, pra3torian. *smile and nod*
— woman_power
such beautiful imagery, lovely details. really like lines 15-16.
— sarahjoie
It seems to lack subjective focus. The actual metric flow is good...yet the images slam into each other in a "Desperate Soccer Mom Demolition Derby" sort of way.
I'm not going to go so far as to say I agree with pra3, but it just...doesn't do it for me. To sum it up:
You've done perfectly with the science of writing poetry here. Now work on the art part, instead of simply appealing to senses, using parentheses, using simple subject matter, and breaking your lines.
[Teo]
— teo_omega11
Teo, your comment, now that I read it, is the one I’ve been waiting to read. You’ve expressed how I feel about this poem—I’ve been incapable of putting into words exactly what it is that I don’t like about it. Though I appreciate the ratings, being on the Top Rated can be fun, I honestly don’t feel that this poem deserves it. Thank you for helping me breathe a sigh of relief!
(and thanks for going about it more delicately than pra.)
— woman_power
Very simple, direct and appealing. I love the line about hearing better with the light off. I hear better with my head on my boyfriend's chest.
— Isabelle5
NICELY WRITTEN I LIKE IT
— unknown
pretty nice, there is some passion missing though. On the whole it is a comforting read, I don't know why!
— icepineapple
that's hot.
— Lexie
Hey, Paris coined that phrase! What are you thinking?! You can't say that!
But thank you.
— woman_power
I was saying that long before she coined it!! errg....thats always bothered me. But really, it is hot.
— Lexie
haha--well, I was kidding. I think everyone was saying it long before she coined it! Thanks though.
— woman_power
This reads to me like a snippet . I rate that kind of experience highly, the poem tho, if I was rating it would go something like this-
1 for level of difficulty (competent telling of easily recogniseable event)
lacks substance
7 for execution (commonplace language apt for subject)
9 for the grease (this might work as a section exploring the spaces and
textures of domestic life, or of a relationship)
— unknown
Maybe drop in line 17, instead of droop. Otherwise, so awesome!
— TypicalMe
my crust is off to you
— unknown
beautiful, I want ot eat it!
— themorrigan
this is lovely Isabelle but I don't like the first line. What is PB&J,
I don't follow the second line either, toes free is like half of a sentence and doesn't mean much. The rest improves rapidly but I don't think you need the brackets, they serve no purpose.
— marieF
woman-power, sorry I found you on Isabelle's favourites and mistook you for her.
— marieF
HAHAHAHAHA! I saw the comment, had to go back and ask myself why I had NO recollection of writing this, especially as I like my PB with crusts on!
Isabelle
— Isabelle5
ha ha ha ha, I got to yours in the end though lol,
— marieF
crust, crust, crust!
that was a funny mix up.
I'm honored to have been mistaken for Isabelle. or at least to have had my poem mistaken for one hers...
— woman_power
this is great, well done
— xtormentedx
I LOVE the image of hearing them better with the lights off... I don't know why, but that made me smile. You write beautifully... thankyou
— unknown
i love that last line...it reminds me of smoke coming off a cigarette, which i find completely beautiful. 8.
— Spunkee
nice dancing
— kong
Fantasic to see this on the top rated! Has been a favourite of mine for quite some time :)
— WordsAndMe
Nicely paints a picture of a place many have been.
— poetbill
I don't understand your comment Isabelle.
How come the links don't work here?
I don't see the novelty in this poem.
It doesn't do it for me.
Nice enough writing though.
— jenakajoffer
right...
i see.
— jenakajoffer
reminds me of a jewel song 'lets go back to bed' - not a bad thing at all as i think she's a peanut. Strong opening, like the bracketed part, loses a bit of the appeal from the 6th line but it picks up again.
Nice one mate !
— Caducus
Isabelle5,
Uh oh. A couple weeks ago was my first time signing back onto this site in probably over a year. I am not up to snuff with the new rules. Wasn’t even aware there were new rules.
The link didn’t work for me--let me search around the site till I find what you’re referring to.
Thanks for the gentle warning.
woman_power
— woman_power
it's a joke, wp (check message board). pay no attention. it's not isabelle.
— unknown
Ah yes, I see. Caught on to that one quickly. Nice try, person with extreme case of boredom. Try picking up a book or another activity you enjoy. It'll serve you better than does wasting away in front of a computer screen, fibbing no less.
— woman_power
I love it
— newslang5
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