| Subway Is Closed, But The Open Sign Is On
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dmartin
| I'd rather it rained, | 1 |
in fact, if the sun were a big rain drop | 2 |
and it rained sun all day, | 3 |
it might remind me of a Dali, | 4 |
and that would make me forget | 5 |
about the beauty across the street | 6 |
in the apartment above the closed Subway | 7 |
that still has it's open sign on. | 8 |
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And Broadway Avenue | 9 |
sat still on a Tuesday evening, | 10 |
with the bricks that paved the sidewalks | 11 |
suddenly breaking up | 12 |
like lovers often do | 13 |
when they've been trampled on, | 14 |
eventually someone comes along | 15 |
and paves over the history. | 16 |
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It all goes back to heartache though, | 17 |
life revolves around it | 18 |
like the chamber of a .33 pistol, | 19 |
one bullet could end it all | 20 |
or save you from the misery | 21 |
that sits with the light at the end of the tunnel, | 22 |
alone and waiting for any movement, | 23 |
knowing Russian Roulette was improperly named. | 24 |
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15 Jun 05 |
Rated 8.5 (8.7) by 6 users.
Active (6): 4, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (6): 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10
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Comments:
i like your sentence constructions. a lot:
about the beauty across the street 6
in the apartment above the closed subway 7
that still has it's open sign on. 8
and
one bullet could end it all 20
or save you from the misery 21
that sits with the light at the end of the tunnel, 22
alone and waiting for any movement, 23
knowing Russian Roulette was improperly named. 24
otherwise some present tensing and condensing of some lines (like 22) would help this piece out no end.
promising work,
— kaleidazcope
love it ;)
— WildSymphony
um, subways dont have open signs and nobody calls broadway broadway avenue and the sidewalks are concrete. i guess that spoils it for me. you go to the trouble of telling us it is a .33 caliber pistol, so i'd like to see attention to detail throughout.
the rest is quite good, but spoilt by the naughtybits.
-noodle
— noodleman
The last paragraph is very strong and I love the relationship you have constructed between rotation and death with the gun "chamber" metaphor.
If you don't mind me asking what is the relevance of Dali for you?
— Meadow
noodle-- subways (as in the food chain) do have open signs, where I live, it is called Broadway Avenue, and these sidewalks are made of bricks here. As for the Dali comment, i'll be back...
— dmartin
this is freakin sweet up to 19, the end could be tightened possibly. but overall its great. now i want a sandwich
— guelah
wow, nicely done
— green_book
I definately thought this was set in New York, too. Maybe if you capitalized "Subway," or called it a "deli" or "cafe" it would clear that up. That and the part about the tunnel in line 22. Who wouldn't think you meant the subway? But I really like poems with specific names and places, so now that you cleared that up in your response, I like it more than I did the first time I read it.
— Endless_Mike
Cap *Subway
— unknown
sorry. i was wrong. good poem.
— noodleman
Good well observed suicidal poem
— larrylark
I immediately thought that this was about the place Subway, not an actual subway. Hmm, decent by the way. I'll come back and post some tips when I'm less tired.
— MissMay
I love the first stanza. The others are good... just not As good
— Cloudless
Love Dali! This is really nice.
— BoundFeet
I really, really love this. The ending line left me feeling disappointed though where you're talking about subways, signs, lights at the end of tunnels and then you go into Russian Roulette. I might have (in the last two lines) written this:
alone and waiting for any movement,
a turn, a signal, another token...
I don't know. Something that pertains metaphorically to the subway. Otherwise, this is a really pretty piece of writing. I love the musky, urban feel of it. Very nice. Very sad, but very nice. :-) p.s. This showed up as a random poem tonight. I'm glad it came to me. After I sign in, I'll rate it a "9."
— unknown
Okay...I'm signed in now and here's your "9" as promised. Thanks again 4 this poem! Love it! Peaceout.
— starr
You know I was just thinking about Dali when I read this. The metaphors and similes are fantastic...you make them fit what you say with sublime ease, thats makes it really great to read.
The title is great, although I found the ending dissapointing, it should come back to a train or something. 9.
— DeformedLion
Maybe a "train of thought" if that's not too cliche???
— starr
thats wayyyyy too cliche.
— DeformedLion
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