| Metaphoric Suicide
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dmartin
| I yelled for you, | 1 |
and cut myself to see if it would hurt. | 2 |
I just remember thinking | 3 |
it might feel different if I could reach my back, | 4 |
like the metaphor. | 5 |
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High dives and empty pools, | 6 |
leave me standing on top of the world, | 7 |
and doing nothing about it. | 8 |
And there is a line behind me up the ladder, | 9 |
the only way down is to jump. | 10 |
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It all hurts when it ends though, | 11 |
comes down to a point, | 12 |
sharpened like a number two pencil. | 13 |
The Eiffel Tower looks good right about now, | 14 |
I can visit and leap all at once. | 15 |
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16 Jun 05 |
Rated 8 (7.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (2): 3, 5, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(142 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
if it wasn't so late/early, I'd explain why -- but for now, let me just say that I love this. Honestly.
— LauraLea2
yes
— unknown
Get rid of some commas. If you have the word and already, you don't need a comma, too. See line 1 for instance. I like that idea of stabbing yourself in the back, if you could. Interesting.
No comma at end of line 6 or line 7. Get rid of And at beginning of line 8. Semi colon at end of line 9. Not sure that standing on top of the world should be used here since you so obviously are at the top of a diving board over a pool, not the world.
You could remove though in line 11. Sharpened like a number 2 pencil is good.
The last 2 lines are interesting, creative and unique.
— Isabelle5
sweet!
— unknown
are you a christian
where will you spend your eternity
— unknown
This has a very interesting perspective but i am fearful of hights
— larrylark
i'm not so sure i understand this.
— BoundFeet
love it all but the title.
— BoundFeet
I'm giving everyone 10's from now on, because they all deserve it.
*adds another pure form of artistry to the disabled list...poetry is a sham.
— Eschatologic
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