poetry critical

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Street Prophet

old lady with advertisement eyes
wanting to tell you
how much better your life could be
if only you'd buy the message
sits on a pavement
as people pass by
holding a placard in her hands
'how about we talk to each other?'

16 Jun 05

Rated 7.7 (9.2) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (5): 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
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short but sweet.
 — midare

Sad but sweet and to the point! Stop and talk!
 — wamblicante

Some commas would help this.  Other than that, interesting read.
 — Isabelle5

nice poem. why does she want to sell 'their' message? she seems too independent for that.
 — hank

hare krishna
hare hare hare

though, in this life, krishna
has found B.A.
 — Bloodfetish

if you changed their to the
then it makes more sense to me.
otherwise i also wonder why
she's selling their message.

if this was a dear occurrance to you,
i would improve 1
or even expand into more lines.
 — gnormal

oh it's not dear i wrote it between reading 'no logo' and 'pattern recognition'
the concept is dear but not one i have broached properly
sometimes my poems are like footnotes to bigger ideas i've not yet had
i like the addition of the in place of their i will use it thank you for your words gnormal
 — bettalpha

sweet.  i like.  a lot.  (;  quickie:  in |5, maybe you could add the word "that."

good jorb and keep on writing!
 — ducktape

awww this is awesome.

simple but thought provoking.

Line 8 is fantastic. i wish you could have drawn the old lady's picture in imagery.
nevertheless lovely poem.
 — trochee

and love the title too =-)
 — trochee

 — laura352

'buy the message' weakens this, and it's not some great revelation thing... it's pretty much utility grade heart-felt. it's time to work this kind of 'beat' writing into more direct provo action scripts, insinuating into the reader's bulk that they are the bag-lady and it's their message they're reading.

that's done by adding rhythm and life to something like this, turning it into an urban folk-song which will stick in the head and humm a tune. just saying smart stuff isn't good enough anymore. it's got to be made to work.
 — bmikebauer

Yeah I am confused to if this poem is about someone wanting to tell someone about God or tell someone about a product she is selling?
I think it could be even shorter.
But more insight.
 — mandolyn