old lady with advertisement eyes
wanting to tell you
how much better your life could be
if only you'd buy the message
sits on a pavement
as people pass by
holding a placard in her hands
'how about we talk to each other?'
16 Jun 05
Rated 7.7 (9.2) by 3 users.
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short but sweet.
Sad but sweet and to the point! Stop and talk!
Some commas would help this. Other than that, interesting read.
nice poem. why does she want to sell 'their' message? she seems too independent for that.
hare hare hare
though, in this life, krishna
has found B.A.
if you changed their to the
then it makes more sense to me.
otherwise i also wonder why
she's selling their message.
if this was a dear occurrance to you,
i would improve 1
or even expand into more lines.
oh it's not dear i wrote it between reading 'no logo' and 'pattern recognition'
the concept is dear but not one i have broached properly
sometimes my poems are like footnotes to bigger ideas i've not yet had
i like the addition of the in place of their i will use it thank you for your words gnormal
sweet. i like. a lot. (; quickie: in |5, maybe you could add the word "that."
good jorb and keep on writing!
awww this is awesome.
simple but thought provoking.
Line 8 is fantastic. i wish you could have drawn the old lady's picture in imagery.
nevertheless lovely poem.
and love the title too =-)
'buy the message' weakens this, and it's not some great revelation thing... it's pretty much utility grade heart-felt. it's time to work this kind of 'beat' writing into more direct provo action scripts, insinuating into the reader's bulk that they are the bag-lady and it's their message they're reading.
that's done by adding rhythm and life to something like this, turning it into an urban folk-song which will stick in the head and humm a tune. just saying smart stuff isn't good enough anymore. it's got to be made to work.
Yeah I am confused to if this poem is about someone wanting to tell someone about God or tell someone about a product she is selling?
I think it could be even shorter.
But more insight.