poetry critical

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Size Ten Barefoot Shaped Puddles of Liquid Love
tiedtoes

those dreams are bleeding the love from me
 1
i wake each morning soaked in it
 2
i walk each morning tracking it
 3
room to room leaving evidence
 4
 
 
people mock the changes
 5
i have less color
 6
i have less rancor
 7
i am not me again
 8
 
 
this new routine of the leeching dreams
 9
has blamed ashamed changed me
 10

19 Jun 05

Rated 6 (8.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (9): 2, 5, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(13 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

this is great!
 — BoundFeet

thank you.
 — tiedtoes

WAit a minute.  Do I know u?
 — tiedtoes

Stella....
 — tiedtoes

10!  Very good
 — themolly

oh yeah.  mommy like
 — Estrella

this gets a 1 from me, themollys friend.
 — unknown

oh no. daddy hate.
 — unknown

OOOO THis is better.  I LOVE it now.  Way to be different!
 — unknown

thank you!  I like it more now as well.  I would like to do something else with the last line.  Any advice?
 — tiedtoes

OOO girl.  This IS better.  WOW
 — themolly

This deserves a higher rating.
 — unknown

Commentate????  Here's a commentate - get spell check!  lol

You might want to consider changing again in line 8 to anymore.  We're only ourselves once, not again generally.

Less rancor?  I would think you'd have rather more as the love is sucked out.  

The final line would have more impact if you put commas between blamed and ashamed.

My humble opinion only
 — Isabelle5

I have much rancor on a regular, so without my pieces it's started disappearing.

I am not me again, meaning this has happened before.

I considered hyphenation or ellipses or maybe slashes in the last line, because I am trying to convey that blamed ashamed changed sensation is all together different than each of them separately.
 — tiedtoes

You don't know what commentating is?  Get a dictionary.
 — unknown

Is commentating something only Americans do?  Ehm...To Commentate:  to make a commentary on
 — themolly

Hon, I love this!  This needs more eyes.  My god.
 — unknown

I almost didn't read this b/c of the title, but I get it now.
 — unknown

I really like this. Imaginative. Original. And I know what you mean about dreams taking over sometimes, affecting your waking mood.

Line 5 Not sure about commentate. It jars slightly.

people comment on the changes

might jar less?

Lines 9-10 brilliant.

This is haunting. Impressive work.
 — smugzy

Thank you very much.  You are so polite.
 — tiedtoes

I think you are on the verge of something wonderful.  I want this to be longer...
 — unknown

Longer?

Really?

Any advice on the direction and motivation of an extension?
 — tiedtoes

tiedtoes

this new routine of the leeching dreams
has blamed ashamed changed me

it's is debateable whether there is such a thing as a new idea and bad people "have" new ideas, until what is meant by this has been established how is progression possible?
 — Kauf

or


it is debatable whether there is such a thing as a new idea and bad people "have" new ideas, until what is meant by this has been established to what extent is progression possible?
 — Kauf

Kauf-

This is about a series of recurring dreams I've experienced.  I couldn't escape them.  Have you ever heard of night terrors?  Google that.

Anyway, they completely took over my thoughts, my actions, my whole life.  I have never felt so strange, and I've never really gone back to normal.

They do come around now and again, but not like before.  Maybe I'm just used to the horror.  I don't want to say more.  There you have it.
 — tiedtoes

hello?
 — tiedtoes

HELL_____LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO?????  Are you still on?
 — tiedtoes

eh? :)  I'm off and on today, what's up?!
 — Kauf

You asked a question of the writer in the comments of this poem.  I answered.
 — tiedtoes

tiedtoes

wow, really!! aw I'm sorry to hear that.  I think I read a bit too much into your poem, ignore it if it makes things worse for you.  

this new routine of the leeching dreams
has blamed ashamed changed me

Makes more sense now, thanks!
 — Kauf

I just wanted to make sure you saw that-
 — tiedtoes

tiedtoes

I'll make more effort to read berween the lines, I'm sorry that was very insensitive of me.
 — Kauf

no biggie
 — unknown

tiedtoes

Just a thought, wamblicante could give you some advice.  Not knowing your background, if you are "seeing things" or if the dreams are drugs related - she is, apparently, a trained social worker - she may be able to advise you how to tackle expressing your anxiety in written work - what is appropriate etc :)
 — Kauf

so far, so good...

I do like wamb though.  He's nice. (i always thought he was a he)
 — tiedtoes

oops

Again, I apologise, I'm still finding my way around the room.  Seems a nice enough guy
I'll have a read through your poems and check out that google link and shall return.  I am quite taken by Isabelle's approach to poetry which seems to be focus on the positive, lighten up, keep a sense of humour and apply technique appropriately and imaginatively which your poem appears to acheive.  Very beautiful and unusual way of composing ideas.  Thank you for your patience.
 — Kauf

I feel that you could add a few more to the second stanza,as you have said less rancor (which would normally be a possitive) and less color (whihc would normally be a negative) so one or two more might clarify to the readerwhat exactly you mean, or maybe say something else to clarify why you use those words together. I like the first stanza! and I like how they have changed you. Maybe you could add something more to at least hint at what kind of dreams they are; do you have flashing memories  of hte dream through our the day, at leasst one strong reoccuring or symbolic visual from the dream would really add to the memorableness of this poem
 — unknown

Food for thought.  I'll stink about it folks.
 — unknown

I still love this tiedtoes.

Re-reading it "commentate" in line 5 is the only thing out of place. It still sounds wrong to me.

This is just short of being wonderful. Maybe you could consider changing this one line?

people note the changes? people comment on the changes?

Just  a suggestion.
 — smugzy

We'll see.  I'm sort of attached, but I'll rethink the whole thing.
 — unknown

OK!  I concede.

Whaddoyouthink?
 — tiedtoes

Hmmm.....not sure about mock. It feels a little too harsh. I like the idea that people notice or are aware of the changes. This leaves it open to interpretation. For example, I thought people might be concerned about you.

I still prefer "people comment" or "people notice" or "note"
 — unknown

Oops - that was me. Forgot to log on.

Did you change the first stanza slightly, by the way?

smugzy
 — unknown

nope.
 — unknown

i like my first stanza.  in fact, I married it last weekend.
 — tiedtoes

wow, this is amazing. sorry, that isn't very helpful lol. you don't need to change a thing. i especially like your last comment, very nice.
 — neverhaze

wow! thank you very much
 — tiedtoes

I love it! Especially the title.
 — pearlsandtar

thanks!
 — tiedtoes

...The fuck is this?
Like screamo lyrics rewritten to fit a java house spoken word slam.
 — aurelius

that's just rude.  try to be constructive
 — tiedtoes

anyway
 — tiedtoes

This is actually very well done, despite some distasteful criticism. I especially enjoy the last line, the lack of commas and the chain "has blamed ashamed changed me" communicates a sense of simultaneity inherent in thought and memory, where all of these things happen in an instant not in the slowed and often times lethargic mode of speech...
 — bmp312

thank you b
 — tiedtoes

good job
 — unknown

thanks
 — tiedtoes

Well tiedtoes, I loved this first time round and I still do.....
 — smugzy

Thanks smugzy
 — tiedtoes

I still like this. That's saying something =)
 — tiedtoes

holy shit this is good. :D
 — psychofemale

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 — shaotang

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 — disclosure

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