| Longdistance Retaliation
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unknown
| we can change roles | 1 |
because now i want to be | 2 |
the fleeting one | 3 |
with my fickle flings and my | 4 |
ferocious hunger | 5 |
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with my longdistance retaliations | 6 |
with my sessions with new men | 7 |
on couches we've never shared | 8 |
until now | 9 |
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i can't tell you what his middle name is | 10 |
with his hands that caress my chest | 11 |
or how he got this scar on his forehead | 12 |
this scar that im tracing with | 13 |
kisses that will mean | 14 |
little | 15 |
to | 16 |
nothing | 17 |
to either | 18 |
or both | 19 |
of us tomorrow | 20 |
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im not sure where he lived when he was five | 21 |
or what movies still make him cry | 22 |
and i wasnt there for his greatest | 23 |
victory or failure | 24 |
i dont know what car he drives | 25 |
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i cant say what the worst thing is | 26 |
that he has ever said to his mother | 27 |
although, i think he told me she died | 28 |
but my mouth bites hungrily | 29 |
at the mouth that probably | 30 |
sobbed painfully in her wake | 31 |
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and my fingers | 32 |
trace paths along his scalp | 33 |
they run races through | 34 |
the hair she probably ran | 35 |
her own fingers through | 36 |
when she was alive | 37 |
as her son kisses my stomach that | 38 |
you adored once | 39 |
when you werent dead to me | 40 |
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and when its all over | 41 |
as i turn to the right and | 42 |
look at his | 43 |
bedroom eyes | 44 |
nothing in them is familiar | 45 |
because he could have been anyone | 46 |
but in this moment, he is no one | 47 |
and he means nothing | 48 |
to me | 49 |
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And i lay there looking at him | 50 |
but im thinking of you | 51 |
and slowly i feel | 52 |
slightly pleased with myself | 53 |
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with my longdistance retaliation | 54 |
did you feel that one? | 55 |
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(i re-read this a couple hours after i wrote it and made some slight grammatical changes.. so. we'll see how that goes.) |
2 Apr 03 |
Rated 8.2 (7.5) by 11 users.
Active (11): 4, 4, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (63): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(32 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I absolutely love this! It just seems...I'm not sure, real. I didn't get bored with all the "i don't know"s, which is quite a feat. Excellent.
— luella
wow. this is so incredible, it was like a punch to the stomach. a whole bunch in fact.
— unknown
wow, its great. it hits home...
— vita
This is great!
— heatherS
Substance, that's what I like. Good job.
— tinkerman
I like this poem a lot. Very good indeed. :) Thankyou for sharing it with us.
— yesterday
I really enjoyed this. I think it captures a feeling that very few people even admit that they have ever felt. I love the first stanza, it really made me want to keep reading. I like what you've done with mentioning his mother dying (line 28), but continuing to mention her changes my focus and I have trouble coming back to the narrator's feelings until line 41. I think I would like it better if the sixth stanza were simply gone.
— Lossandra
Hah, it's pretty good. First paragraph draws me in, and I especially like how you closed it. Good consistent focus and tone throughout. Some confusing lines I have to reread, though, and I'm not sure what the line format for 15-17 does.
— sarahnade
Wow, I really likes this. Please put the apostrophe in "can't" in line 26.
— abby
my gripe: line 28 and its parenthesis. i was taught once that parenthesis are used for things that could be removed completely and not affect content. however, that line is extremeley important, and using them diminishes its importance, and we don't realize how much it matters until a stanza or so later.
— jade
AMAZING.
— erin
zzzzzzzzzz....
— unknown
I love this. I love the flow, the wording, and the incredible imagery. thank you for sharing this.
— bellis
I enjoyed this. It is easy to relate to. I like line 8 and how you mention all the little things you don't realize you don't know about a person, like how they got that scar or the place they lived at age 5 or what their greatest victory or failure was.
— Hquartz
This is damn good, it really gripped me. Good job, and an interestingly novel content.
— Moose
One of the best poems I've read on here so far. I can feel her pain in her empty victory. Very well done.
— joshodile
i like this a lot. it's wonderful in every way.
— fracture
I'll start by saying that you have a great eye for how to break a line! GREAT use of enjambment and indentation.
"longdistance retaliations" -- why say this in the poem when it is in the title? I say cut
it in the work (instead of changing the title) because it is abstract. In fact, I'd start this piece like this:
"Sessions with new men
on couches we've never shared
until now."
I'd move "couches" to the sigular so that you can use the opportunity to be specific about what the couch looks like. Me personally, I got a picture of a green, old, beatup couch from a thrift store. College student style.
My biggest beef against what you have done is that you've lost several moments to be descriptive. Like with hair color, skin tone(s), etc.
This is a very strong work in my eyes.
— Oranges
Really really good.
The stutter stepping is nice.
— hogrot
I felt this. I haven't done these exact things but I wanted to do them, exactly this way.
— Isabelle5
omgd i love ur poem i wanna put it in my info but its too long i want to tell him n everybody how it really feels to be in a long distance relationship
— unknown
rock!
— unknown
Everything's so natural here ...
— critique
I like this poem because it makes me nervous. Nervous and afraid. Good work.
— tha_mink
I like how everything is threaded together.
— inashadow
I enjoyed this. I think it is well written and has meaning, and yet I didn't like it as much as others did. Maybe because I just don't really relate. I can't have sex with people who mean nothing to me. I do think it's a good poem, but I don't think it's the best one here. It's kinda a shame that so many good poems fall in the shadows of others here. The ratings seem a bit inaccurate.
— unknown
As I've said in comments before:
Don't be afraid to use capitals where they belong.
— abby
You made me want to post my poem "Malina". Go read it if you get a chance. Nice work here!
— aforbing
um good stuff. it hits just right. longdistance retaliation is very euphoric
— jet_black
you wrote this just for me, right?
that's what it feels like, and to me - that's when you know you've done well...when others feel (and I mean F*E*E*L) what you've written.
— LauraLea
Hot and scorching!
Reminds me of Alannis Morisette's song, "You Oughta Know" when she sings, "and every time I scratch my nails down somebody else's back I hope you feel it...well, can you feel it?"
This is fabulous!
mOLLie
— easybake
no.
— unknown
Okay usually the lover quarrel poems things are just awful, BUT, I think you got it, and you sealed the deal with these lines 10 through 20
— leelou
Wow, this is very powerful. It actually makes you feel this situation is happening right now. Very moving. Great job.
~Frances
— unknown
in my opinion, 'longdistance' should be 2 words... you know, adjective attached to a noun... long describes distance... theyre two different words. but other than that, flawless. i love the theme, love the way it's puit together, and love everything. very nice work. now i wish i was female so i could relate to exactly what youre describing there... i like it,
— AEOS
You have me, once again, from your control of language. I've commented on this before, but wow. This is still like a punch to the stomach (several), and it still tells a perfect story with perfect details and perfect wording. It may have all been said before, but I love 35-37, 30-31, and (oh!) 14-20. These lines just break me down. 6-9, too, are excellent -- the subtle detachment of "sessions with new men" is poetic genius.
— unknown
alanis has nothing on you!
— essenie
I'm sorry you keep getting compared to Alanis -- this is better than that.
— unknown
tongue in cheek, my friend (unknown)....comparisions are relative to one's personal perspective. i enjoy this poem immensely--it evokes raw emotion and i like that in poetry.
— essenie
Bravo!! Your bitter sweet style is that of my favourite apple...Raw & Perfect
Tracy
— unknown
alliteration. line 4. *lust*
i also love the title.
14-19's imagery, the way the lines are broken up, almost like staggered speech, to me.
i love it. it's wonderful.
'like a punch to the stomach' someone said, and i agree.
— shakeit
hmmm, thats the fun thing about poems
Now that i finally get around to my own life
rather than helping everyone else
kinda pearl harborish i suppose
if that were me at the butt end of that
i would probablly end up dead in a week
and if not
pray for the world cause if no one could stop me
which not to brag butt itbe damn hard
i died 4 a chic a few times
and if she was so self centered to think anything like that after im still here walking around
because she braought me back
i'd rather take hell
so for this chic I dedicate a song Pantera- Vulgar Display of Power "This Love"
and this song sounds kinda like Pantera - Far Beyond Driven "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills"
what she doesn't know is that all that would do is set me free
from taking in her pain willingly
set me free to destroy
love the ultimate control
I suppose that scince i took it personally
It is a very good poem
I'm glad someone knows how to write
I'm also glad for you i'm not that dude
your doing whatever to
(remember god made satan too, tricks on you)
— unknown
This scares me quite frankly, I have a girlfriend that will be attending college in a few months and this is so vivid that I don't belive that I would be able to handle it. Beautifully written.
— Volcomvs
it is only something to be scared about if you treat her badly. dont be a fucking ass.
— unknown
interpretation by Ka:
I hate you, you cheating bastard!
I screw many anonymous men.
Take that, butt-head.
— ka
what u wrote is amazing. This is exactly how i feel and i've been there before and done that. The thing is they never felt my retaliation, and afterwards i felt like crap. Though your poem is fantastic and i can totally understand where your coming from.
— unknown
I do not understand the 'mother' part but towards the end, i think i roughly get it, i think? Well, the mother part was confusing and I haf to read it a couple of times before understandin. But I feel the hatred in the poem, the retaliation.. :)
— unknown
Wow. I'm really blow away. The choice of words painted a simple picture. Good job, keeping writing!
— unknown
You are very talented. Keep up the good work.
— unknown
The mother part shows that he is a reap person with a life, she is being intimate with him, but she doesnt know him - thats what i got from it.
S
— unknown
real*
— unknown
It's absolutely brilliant!
The Alanis Comparisms are due to the fact that it has the same rythmn as "i'm not the doctor".
The reference to men and couches, be they psycologists or lovers is also a popular morrissette theme.
"And when I scratch my fingers down someone elseback I hope you feel it why cant you feel it- Could be interpreted as a long distance retaliation.
But it's still brilliant This is how it should be- Excessively real, to hell with the land scape.
Well done you
I really liked it
— unknown
realisitc, i'm sure many people can relate....
— unknown
huh, it was too long to read, but i stole it for my english assingnmenet
— unknown
you fuckass. dont steal things for english assignments! thats someones work. its someones art... you cant just steal that shit and use it to your advantage. write your own poetry. its harder thatn you think to make it good
— AEOS
The energy and flow to this piece is amazing It read like you running a sprint.
— unknown
what would be the monumental testament
is that later on she finds out that he never cheated
and since there soulmates
yes he did feel everything
but maybe his crime he was too far away to stop any of it
welcome to my world
never give an undying love
unless you realize your gonna want to kill god when it fails
you've done nothing to diserve it and done everything you can to make things right
and then something like this
and you feel everything ( there are things worse than hell )
and thats when he says
now you know how i feel
what you do from here is up to you
— kronah
i felt this one! amazing
— loganja
Wow. Your poem gave me the chills. I'm lovin it. Amazing.
— Jsmiles05
Line 26: i cant say what the worst thing is
that he has ever said to his mother
I think it would sound better like this:
I can't say what the worst thing
he ever said to his mother is.
Other than that, it was great.
— BoldSilence
this gives me goosebumps everytime i read it! (the good kind of goosebumps, i mean)
— unknown
wow i really like this. it is awesome. so powerful.
— takemehome
I'm sleepy. Nice work. Oh and I'm tired of those PWS haters! Secession! Secession!
— blackmascara
Ok, a lot of people have commented and rated this poem, and it's been given its due but I would like to lend my voice as well...
I really like the poem. The topic is I don't know, maybe a little over-done, but that's ok because the ideas in the poem are really visual and clear to me. I like it a lot. So here's my thought:
Lines 21-40, and possibly even 41-49, could all be taken out without taking anything away from the poem. They're well-written lines, they might make a great poem by themselves... but I really don't feel like they advance the poem itself. In fact, I think the poem would be better off without them. I hope that's not too harsh, I know I'm cutting a big chunk of your baby away, but just like the relationships we sometimes have to let go of, I think these lines should go.
Just read it once without them. It's more powerful because it says so much with less. The whole 'less is more' idea I guess. But I really like this work. I think it's very good, I think think it could be phenomenal.
— Greg
This would make good lyrics.
— unknown
i love stanzas one and three. this poem is really creative and the format is nice too. personally i think you could eliminate lines 50-55. anyway, you got on my favorites list, and that means something. :-)
— crimsontears
Breathe taking...i actually started crying having gone through something similar
— whybothre
cool
— unknown
wwwwwooooooooowwwwwwww. omg, this is like something out of a movie, some scene that you watched, and are playing for me now, with your words inside my mind. favorites. (10)
— stainedsteal
I. Love. This.
— unknown
this is great.
— Angelfire
I have commented on this poem before, and I read it again just now, and I love it, hot damn it's good! yeehaa!
— Volcomvs
"I just don't care at all; I'm a slut
and his attention I will get only
through letting him ravish my body
We did drugs before we fucked
We did drugs before we fucked"
Keep on being a whore and write more poems. It's a well-painted picture of your sexual demise. A cry for help, really, from the 'one' you 'loved'. As if you could ruin his life by fucking around. He probably just thought that you're being a slut and erased your number from his speed dial.
— noneisreal
i really like it, brillance
— tragicbubble
WOW.
I am really impressed with this one,
it puts into words
some things I could never explain
but only feel.
AMAZING.
Tink
— tinkerbones
this is the first poem i ever read from this site.
it brings back memories.
— mould_jesus
it's long, but it was so worth reading your first couple of lines just lured me straight in.
— Gabriella
i love that last line. very nice closing.
— sassybnyss
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