| He Was Born Crooked
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SweetPain
| April, 23rd, 1986 | 1 |
a birth to satan's spawn. | 2 |
He was ebony haired, | 3 |
brown eyed, | 4 |
and of Iraquie/Moroccan heritage. | 5 |
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Grown and cultivated in the "slums" | 6 |
of the sweet harmony of an out-of-the-way town. | 7 |
Growing, and learning by the white's light. | 8 |
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Crude words like fuck, | 9 |
shit and, | 10 |
fucking shit became a language staple. | 11 |
He played follow the leader and followed a little too closely. | 12 |
Lost in someone else's self image. | 13 |
Now drunk and stoned he lay barffing dinner (rice and dry yet zestful chicken made by mumsie) | 14 |
Failing in life, and not realising it. | 15 |
He now works for a chain department store, looking into the never ending bleackness. | 16 |
His parent's reluctance to cut ties, leave him to be a leech. | 17 |
And through it all, his stance is never found upon his two feet. | 18 |
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22 Jun 05 |
Rated 7.5 (5.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (1): 1
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(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Crude words like fuck, 8
shit and, 9
fucking shit became a language staple.
seems awkward
L11 too wordy
L13 really doesn't make much sense. Should change it to "Now drunk and stoned,
he barfed up dinner ....etc...
L15 should also be cut into two lines.
This is pretty good SweetPain, hopefully you'll take to my my suggestions, it is only my opinion however. Good luck.
— unknown
Bleakness line 15
Line 13 - He is now drunk and stoned, barfing dinner - he lays doesn't fit but the line about the food is good!
Take now out of line 15. I'd change leave in line 16 to allow.
Line 17 - Through it all, his stance has never been on his own two feet.
This could be so incredibly good with some small changes. What a pitiful life.
I like line 11 a lot.
— Isabelle5
hey thanks a lot unknown and Isabelle5, i really appreciate the help!
— SweetPain
this blows vag.
— unknown
"Bleeckness" is totally not a word.
— meaka
The unknown was me SweetPain, apparently I wasn't logged in. I don't like poems' beginning with elipes. they scare me sometimes. But you do have a good thing here.
— Gabriella
i ment to change that before, but i guess i missed it meaka :P thankyou for noticing. and i hope you are the first unknown Gabriellia! and thanks to that second unknown, you made me laugh!
— SweetPain
its pretty alright.
— unknown
thanks unknown,
— SweetPain
how sad. but the poem was good
— lonelygirl
thanks lonelygirl.
— SweetPain
Dear Sweetpain
there are some good bits in this but you don't come across as wholly convincing writing about this character, the end part of Line16 is a clumsy big statement that doesn't work for me but saying that L12 and 13 are more precise and make a good point.If he is real it sounds a bit like he's done something to annoy you and this is a revenge poem which in placed teeters on the edge of a rant.Your poetry is however always fresh and attempting new things which i admire.
Larry
— larrylark
well it is about my brother larry.
thanks for the comment man.
— SweetPain
developed a realistic and unsympathetic portrayl that would've been nice have seen an more conclusive ending that has to do with his attitude not just the formally spoken comment about his self-reliance on his parents... maybe something that includes all of your former comments... I liked it though, paints an harmonic picture.
— unknown
And you just turned 20, apparently. it's seems quite sad.
Iraquie=iraqi? hmm. seems like your origin has been wiped out by the white folks of the west.
got more to say, maybe i'll come back later. good write.
— Gestaltist
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