| Rewriting the World
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bear
| There's a man and | 1 |
He's holding the world in his hand, | 2 |
Telling everyone that passes he doesn't want it anymore. | 3 |
The man says, he says, "It was fun for a while, now it's such a bore." | 4 |
That's when I decided I was going to save the world or the world's going to save me. | 5 |
But either way I knew something was going to be set free. | 6 |
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Different time, same place: | 7 |
I had a friend who said, "I just can't keep pace." | 8 |
He pulled a gun out and blew his brains on the wall, | 9 |
And the only thing I did for him was watch him fall. | 10 |
I put him in the ground | 11 |
And didn't shed a tear or make a sound. | 12 |
That's when I decided I was going to save the world or the world's going to save me. | 13 |
But either way I knew something was going to be set free. | 14 |
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In DC the punks and rebels were calling for revolution | 15 |
We need to find some solution, | 16 |
All they say, they say, "It's corrupt, unfair, and run on greed." | 17 |
This is a warning I wish the world would heed. | 18 |
If we did, it may get better | 19 |
But the dead, they won't get any deader. | 20 |
That's when I decided I was going to save the world or the world's going to save me. | 21 |
But either way I knew something was going to be set free. | 22 |
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It was the same place, different time, another friend: | 23 |
I said we should stay here together until the end. | 24 |
I told him my plan | 25 |
To save the world, and he just laughed sadly and said, "You're just another man, | 26 |
Take a look around you, the earth is fine, | 27 |
It looks as if you need the world's time." | 28 |
That's when I decided I was going to save the world or the world's going to save me. | 29 |
But either way I know something is going to be set free. | 30 |
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22 Jun 05 |
Rated 10 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (5): 4, 6, 7, 7, 8
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Comments:
Can someone comment on this? I don't care if the comment is, "it's the worst peice of trash I've ever read", because it may be, but I want to know what people think.
— bear
calling. line 15. has two "ll"s. i like the idea a lot. but teh repetition of the last two lines was too much. the rhyming its strained a little but otherwise i really enjoyed it.
— taintedtears
thanks
— bear
if you focused less on rhyming and more on content, this poem would be amazing. i love the ideas you're putting out, but theyre cheapened by your need to rhyme. ask yourself: if you could re-write this as a free verse poem, what else would you want in it?
and then put that stuff in instead of the words you used because they rhymed.
i like where you're headed with this. but i think it needs a little work.
— misswyoming
ok, thanks. i originally intended this to be a song, and i was stuck with the idea that all poetry had to rhyme... i was young and stupid (i still am) but i think rewriting it in free verse is a good idea.
— bear
line 8 - friend
line 15 - revolution
i like the way two of the lines are repeated. i don't like the way each line begins with a capital. i like the way it rhymes, but i don't like the line that doesn't rhyme with anything, line 15. i don't like the title. change it to say something from the repeated lines, maybe. i can't think of anything else at the moment.
— Lia
I am in favour of rime. To me it is a true art form.
I feel that your lines are in many cases too long. Some analyst once said (I have forgotton who) that a line should not be longer than 10 syllables give or take a couple. I feel that to be good advice even in this age.
However that is just my opinion. Good effort
— WilliamGruff
^^yeah, what he said. only, i like the length of the repeated lines. leave them alone.
— Lia
This is one of the first things I ever wrote, I will change the title, just for you lia.
thank you for the tips william, anything to make me a better writer, I will not forget that.
— bear
it's the worst peice of trash I've ever read, because it may be, but I want to know what people think.
— noodleman
hmmm, i'm glad i wrote the worst thing u have ever read. i guess thats an honor of sorts? could you tell me why it is so bad?
— bear
bear, read your first comment. the one you wrote. i think noodleman was trying to be funny.
— Lia
i forget what the old title was, but i like this one.
— Lia
haha wow i forgot about that, i thought he was straight burning me, lol hes a funny guy! the old title was "On a Mission"
— bear
yes goodness. i have nothing else to say. onward to the next poem!
— Lia
hooray!
— bear
pretty good bro, not the best i've seen but definately not the worst, and remember i've seen most of it, including the stuff you'd like to forget about. definately a keeper, i liked it.
~sister bear
— unknown
nice.
thanks fer telling me to chill i needed it
— purdy
thanks purdy! i'm glad you understand about the chilling thing. You're young and I think kind of angry, I used to be like that. Do you have aim or anything? I would like to talk to you.
— bear
This poem dazzles me. I love all lines, especially the last two. They work together in a splendid fashion.
— Opinion
thank you very much!
— bear
this is a good form poem. take a look at dylan's "do not go gently into that good night." the official form that this poem is similiar to...well...i can't remember what it is called. if you can find a copy of "sound & sense" you be able to find it. my only comment on how to improve is poem would be to get the line lengths closer together. keep up the good work.
— wordlover
The first three lines resemble genius. The rest are average, at best.
— wendz
thank you wordlover!
wendz, i guess it is nice to be a genius for three lines. thank you for being honest about the rest.
— bear
I have to agree, I'm not too fond of the rhyming. Also, the part with the friend and the gun comes off as insensitive and cold because of the rhyme.
The first part is quite amazing, and I wish that maybe you could simply write the poem about the man with the world in his hands.
— the_recluse
well recluse, i have to say this is the first poem i ever wrote, when i was young and i thought all poetry had to ryhme and what not. i think you are right, without rhyme this poem would be much better and i think i may just write about the man that is holding the world in his hand.
— bear
It is such a cool net, i enjoy it really much!!!
— unknown
nice poem.
— varun
Plath is an asshole.
— unknown
lol very clever
— bear
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