poetry critical

online poetry workshop



this morn- dried flowers grass breathing
hank

dried flowers fell from the coatrack
 1
and sounded like the rattling of a plastic
 2
bag or the draw of the shower curtain
 3
with the metal hangers so early
 4
this morning that the moon and sun
 5
combatted for the sky and my eyes
 6
struggled for adjustment
 7
 
 
outside the world was not yet defined
 8
shrubs changed identities with deer
 9
while shadows cantered like coyotes
 10
and a bird was as big as a cow whose
 11
tock-tock-tocking on the side of an
 12
old tree harmonised with bullfrogs
 13
that must have been miles away
 14
 
 
i thought about the impossibility
 15
versus the improbability that we are alone
 16
amidst trillions of stars and agreed to
 17
myself that even though we are not
 18
that we are still special and unique and
 19
as dear as one thousand blades of
 20
grass breathing for the entire planet
 21

26 Jun 05

Rated 9.3 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (34): 1, 1, 1, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(10 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

thanks for the 10 speechless.
 — hank

speechless
 — unknown

I don't know exactly if this is that half-life between sleep and waking but I like it anyway.  

I'd take out that in line 19, put a comma at end of line 18.  

Nice flow, nice ending, nice.
 — Isabelle5

hmm, it's not clear that i went outside. maybe should clarify
 — hank

i5, glad you like it 'anyway'.
 — hank

I thought you looked out a window.
 — Isabelle5

nah, went outside
 — hank

maybe this does it. small change.
 — hank

nice
 — tragicbubble

This is such a sustained rish of inspiration that it takes the breathe away .Micro ,macro encapsulated in 3 stanza's
 — larrylark

thanks larry, my aim wasn't lost on you. cheers.
 — hank

what's a rish?
 — hank

this is sweet.
 — listen

i love this long poem
 — bettalpha

is this about a yeast infection?
 — unknown

I love this too. A beautiful flow of thought, which is why the 'that' should probably stay.
 — smugzy

wow, i really like this. It's so real and true and clear, describing something every reader has felt. the ending is especially wonderful and i love the way you set timeless reflections into the image of our time.
thanks!
sparrow
 — unknown

very thick with imagery and thought. a great poem
 — JD

it's amazing the things you find with a little bit of patience
and a little bit of luck.  this must've taken more than a little bit
of both.  i'm breathless after reading this.  outstanding.

smile.
midare
 — midare

thanks for enjoying this. really brings me right back to the moment i wrote it. no thinking. just typing. yeaaaahohhhhhhhhh.
 — hank

where is hank?

varun.
 — unknown

i can't halp but think, that this in some way, could have been longer.you could have done more.

perhaps not.
 — onklcrispy

Took my breath away - a beautiful crescendo. Thank you.
 — haykulu

thats as insightful as you can get. grass breathing for the planet... brilliant
 — leandrajacob

bullfrogs normally croak only at night.
 — unknown

What a stupid comment. If the sun rises in the East, it can still be dark to the West. If the bull frogs were far away, it is plausible that it would still be night wherever they were croaking.
 — unknown

That you knocked this fine poem off the top spot because of your stupidity is even more pathetic.
 — unknown

beautiful, special, very well written. Just great.
 — icepineapple

i enjoy reading this.
 — hank

seems like a poem such as this one demands no words in a comment box, indeed, it is written against them and the homage that I can pay to it is just a moment of silence to let the tenderness of slender brush-strokes sink in.  Thank you.  This is fantastic.  
Maria  
 — slancho

thanks slanch.
 — hank

you are welcome
the slanch
 — unknown

this is a very awesomem poem!
 — unknown

i truly love this...flowing with imagery...oh, wonderful!  :)
 — GreenDreams

Well this offering may come under the general heading of poetry.

However, as far as I am concerned, it appears to be nothing more than a juvenile exercise in badly constructed prose.
What is the point of the exceeding bad grammar and syntax?
 — unknown

^ sounds like mor is back
 — unknown

Hank,
I am completely taken by S1 & 2 - they are superb. Simple, powerful writing. I love them.

Now the but, and it's not a biggie but L15-17 .. the old are we alone amidst the universe?... well aarrghhh!!. Ok so now that it's out my system it isn't terrible but it really could be so much better. There must be a trillion things other than what lies beyond the stars, that could be comparable but yet unique... ?
 — unknown

Nice body to the poem, but it's lacking in a more formidable and interesting vocabulary. EVerythign seems to be here but the emotion.
 — FangzOfFire

eh
 — unknown

Someone has probably already said this, but the omission of punctuation should be used as a tool, not a gimmick or out of laziness (not that I think that either of those are the case with you, specifically).  I don’t think that this poem needs that treatment.  In fact, I think it’s unnecessarily distracting.

At the risk of seeming unimaginative, I don’t believe that the flower’s falling made a sound like the drawing of a shower curtain.  I believe that the hanger clinking against the coat rack may make that sound.  You might come up with something interesting if you make a subtle clarification.

Coat rack is two words.

I’m wondering about your use of “combatted”.  I see a less vigorous verb here.  Struggled?  Vied?

In the last strophe, “special and unique” induced my gag reflex.  Please don’t do that.  Those words rob, or at least make this reader forget the originality of what preceded them.  They do not need to be said.  This strophe would work just fine like this:
…we are not / we are still as dear as one / thousand blades of grass breathing / for the entire planet
 — unknown

nice critique. i appreciate it. but i wrote as i spoke it and as i've said before, tis now history. can't go changin' history.
 — hank

I kinda love this.

Like a lot.
 — fallinforyou

Fair enough, Hank, but let us know if you have no intention of any further edit so we will not spend a lot of time for nothing.  I have edited (in a minor way) poems that have already been published.  It's your work, your choice; it's never too late.
 — unknown

definitely a 10.
 — adhector

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

:)
 — kazfernandes

this is sOOO beautiful. you are SOOO good with words
 — Trudy

This poetry remind me of a great log that i drop in my toilet. I see caveman use better imagery. This is unacceptable. You need slam your head into book of ideas until a good one hits you. 1!
 — Borat

cavemen.
 — hank

Why it's not good poetry.  Oh man...
Looking only at the third strophe,
there is no sense in the statement within L15 and 16.
It's as if it means to sound like -something- but as a message delivery?
It means nothing on any logical basis.  It is nonsense, sorry.

There's no "poetry" in that third strophe, imo. It's just prose, and
say, what is "dear" or "unique" about "one thousand blades of grass"
and -how the heck- do "one thousand blades of grass" go "breathing for the entire planet?

Seems to me, each blade of grass breathes foremost, soley, for itself, that it may live.  This is inbuilt of all life.

The poem, sorry, imo, is pretentious and drively.   Dang it, I hate to pan seriously-offered poems.  Here I feel obligated to be honest with you,
a big boy.    Best to you anyway--make the next poem better.

It is surpising, though, the things people will applaud.  Take comfort in that, I guess.
no rating assigned..

Reid
 — netskyIam

the fizzler has a point.


as much as the points offered by 1000 blades of grass scathing at his narcissm.
 — unknown

eh needs puctuation badly.
 — unknown

TOO MANY ADJECTIVES ALL OVER. I CANT KEEP UP WITH THE POEM.
 — OKcomputer

sorry hank its too busy. sorry sorry :(
 — OKcomputer

and you suck at life congratulations
 — unknown

This has a nice flow to it with sharp, well constructed images--I live in the country and can easily relate to this. BTW, bullfrogs DO sometimes croak during the day.
 — PaulS

Why it's not good poetry.  Oh man...
Looking only at the third strophe,
there is no sense in the statement within L15 and 16.
It's as if it means to sound like -something- but as a message delivery?
It means nothing on any logical basis.  It is nonsense, sorry.

There's no "poetry" in that third strophe, imo. It's just prose, and
say, what is "dear" or "unique" about "one thousand blades of grass"
and -how the heck- do "one thousand blades of grass" go "breathing for the entire planet?

Seems to me, each blade of grass breathes foremost, soley, for itself, that it may live.  This is inbuilt of all life.

The poem, sorry, imo, is pretentious and drively.   Dang it, I hate to pan seriously-offered poems.  Here I feel obligated to be honest with you,
a big boy.    Best to you anyway--make the next poem better.

It is surpising, though, the things people will applaud.  Take comfort in that, I guess.
no rating assigned..

Reid
— netskyIam         &n bsp;[!]

the statement is not contained just in line 15 and 16 and i think it is quite clear.
glad you are the definer of poetry reid. how do one thousand blades of grass breathe for the entire planet? they don't (yet), but if they were, they'd be valuable.
thanks for the philosophy lesson.

this comment from you seems to come with emotion rather than intellectual crit.
 — hank

hank has absolutely NO sense of humour. What a pity.
 — unknown

i wrote 'ball'.
 — hank

One of your best and still a stunning personal read. Thank you.
 — smugzy

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