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planes, suns and fireflies

black last night like ink
me upon a second story
gazed down upon a field
glittering with fireflies
who for my eyes glory
did battle with the stars
and also up above
two planes lent their twinkle
to the chorus of the suns
so that for an instant
all three became as one

27 Jun 05

Rated 8 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (5): 7, 8, 9, 9, 9

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i just burnt the roof of my mouth on a baked potato this made it all better and i saw a glow worm at the weekend that's some of the reasons why i liked your symphony.
 — bettalpha

glad to be a balm
 — hank

thank you i was feeling talkative i hid the critique in the last four words.
 — bettalpha

and a salve
 — hank

I am thinking that line 7 could be "while up above."  It might read cleaner that way?  This is nice and if there was a coolness on the second story, so much the better!  (But do you want suns?  It's night - you might be advised to use Moons in line 9.)
 — Isabelle5

thank you for the input. however, 'while up above' doesn't work for me because 'while' excludes what goes before and i'm already talking about the stars being joined by the twinkle of the planes. moons doesn't even come into play as nothing in this poem is about the moon and stars aren't moons. in case you didn't know they're suns.
 — hank

I think that there's a beautiful completeness in this poem - like the planes making circles in the sky - a very ambitious and largely successful piece of work - my only suggestion is that there seem to be a sudden rash of fireflies on this board - I've got them too - maybe a different image? but fantastic rhythm and movement in the words.
 — opal

thanks opal, you must've liked the first line.
it's the season for fireflies
 — hank

I like!

Morgan Kauffman
 — Kauf

Oh, duh!  Stars are suns, how about that????  And I've known that for how many years?
 — Isabelle5

it's ok.
 — hank

the first line is a triumph
 — opal

you're biased.
 — hank

i like the title best

but the poem tickles me too
 — tragicbubble

thanks tragic.
 — hank

 — noodleman

This is good. Original.
 — unknown

I love looking up at the sky at night and figuring that you can't really tell the difference between a star and a satellite. I like this.
 — wendz

yes wendz, where ya been?
 — hank

I've been around, just haven't seen or read any thing good lately, so I went back to read old school hanky, larry etc. stuff which makes me smile lollipops. :)
 — wendz

Jesus! Sounds like you had a holy trinity moment there.
 — larrylark

Just found this on random and I love it.

Very beautiful and almost child-like in it's freshness. I love it when everything just sort of blurs into something completely different.

I wrote a teeny thing recently, called Unfinished Journey which is nothing like this at all. Still, something about this reminded me of something about that. I think it's because this poem has so much fullness. And I was kind of going for the opposite ie nihilism, when all the colours sort of merge and become nothing, instead of becoming everything.

Anyway, you could take a look and rip it to shreds for me if you like. :-)
 — smugzy