poetry critical

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Your wicked alter ego is a poisonous neighbor.
Stop leaving your dirty laundry for the papanazis,
they're bored of you.
You're trying too hard to be hard,
but I remember that bedwetting stage,
so don't think you've tricked me this Halloween.
Hold still, just for a minute.
Let me rewind you
and remind you,
you are you,
you don't have to try to be him for us.

29 Jun 05

Rated 6 (8.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (13): 4, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(17 more poems by this author)

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This could be rewritten to be better: less cliches, more background, less telling.
 — FangzOfFire

agree with fangzoffire

this sounds like freewriting... trying to get an idea for a poem, and you've got a good one, now you just have to turn it into a poem
 — Ananke

 — Meadow

i am in complete agreement with fangz and ananke
 — KatinaChoo

that's pretty much correct!  Wow.  Are the three of you psychic?
 — unknown

This is good.  I want a little more, though.  Dig.
 — themolly

this could be shorter and better
 — bettalpha

is it better?
 — BoundFeet

come on....i edited and i need FEEDBACK folks.  Pa-leeeez
 — BoundFeet

BETTER.  Really, I know you didn't change that much, but that was all this needed.  A little tweek here and there.  Good job.  I've been waiting for you to fix this.
 — themolly

Look at Line 6 again.
 — unknown

argh!  tHANK YOU!
 — BoundFeet

I wanted to see how you wrote; you write better than you argue. I mean that nicely. See you around under more pleasant circumstances than today maybe.
 — unknown

Maybe that's because I am a writer, not a litigator.

I will hope for the best.
 — BoundFeet

You changed this, didn't you.  I know I'vre read this before....it's SO familiar.

I LOVE the first two stanzas....then you switch up and lose me.
 — tiedtoes

"Your wicked alter ego is a poisonous neighbor."

how witty! and pretty!
 — Kauf

I like that line best as well.
 — BoundFeet

Thanks everyone.....
 — unknown

AH---you changed this AGAIN?

Well, good for you it's working, cause I was going to rake you.  It was nice before, it's nicer now.  Just like always, you rock.
 — themolly

This sounds uber familiar to me.  Hopefully you didn't rip this off BEcause I love it.
 — unknown


No wonder this is familiar.  I suck.  I am so bad at recognizing you--------
 — Estrella


he eh.
 — unknown

This is different....................better
 — tiedtoes

 — BoundFeet

this could be SO much better---
 — unknown

LMAO at stanza 2. Cutting and funny! Favorite time...hehe. Took me awhile to get 7-11, but after buckling down and actually reading it, it makes perfect sense. Good write
 — sapphonix

thanks.  i'm not sor sure about the last line.
 — unknown

nice poem.
 — hank

thank you hank
 — BoundFeet

I LOVE this aside from the last two lines which kill it a bit....you could just take them out, but I think they should be replaced with something not so obvious...
 — kitkat


should I just cut them?
 — BoundFeet

 — unknown

ok folks....and now?
 — BoundFeet

 — unknown

erhm whyat?
 — unknown

i like the way this sounds.
 — listen

 — BoundFeet

I think the poet is trying too hard to be hard. This poem excites, yes, but it confuses unnecessarily in your last line. If you want your readers to care who "him" is, you should throw us at least one clue. I would like to understand better who the papa nazis are. The cadence is amazing. This poem could be amazing too. I need more leads, more context. I love lines 8 + 9.
On the other hand, I've been very sluggish recently, so maybe everything is there for the brighter mind to grasp.

I think you're very talented.
 — borntodance

thanks to you
 — BoundFeet

not bad.  teh space at 7 is nice.
 — unknown

thank u unknown stranger
 — BoundFeet

this is such an excellent poem. one thing i noticed about your little masterpieces is your idea of bold ideas. such as, i want to lean against history, let me rewind you, etc., that seem to make your poems very good. you can't deny the flow.

but where are more of your poems? i want to read what else you have, something hot off the printer. that would make my day. i'll look out for you, if you decide to post something.

this is a good work though. very well written.
 — listen

Thanks listen....I've had depleted inspiration of late.......HOWEVER something is brewing.  I feel it
 — BoundFeet

i like your ideas, and choice of words. your assemblage of those ideas and words...well not so much...
take this and smash it to pieces. then reassemble. it will be as great as it should/could/can be
 — onklcrispy

you are oh-so-correct, as usual. Will do...
 — BoundFeet