poetry critical

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Small man, no more than five feet high, turns right,
walks towards seething subway station,
through ticket hall waits with patience.
Follows his calling, to slake the thirst in his soul ,
mind sliced  in neat compartments,
the apartment he left, arid,sterile,
a vicious mist twisting against its faded curtains.
Turns,descends stairway, a clock ticking.
Train clicks along line, on time.
He smiles, gestures woman to empty seat, places
neatly packed bag between feet, folds arms,
body sways to mantra playing on his lips.
He slips far away from buzz of mobile phone
that tells someone at home,"Got here just fine,
will arrive at appointment on time."

10 Jul 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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good build of suspense
 — unknown

It's funny how people put line breaks into prose and call it poetry. This is shit.
 — unknown

Its funny how some people zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
 — larrylark

Dear 1st Unknown

The events of last Thursday are becoming more terrible with the breaking news that the explosives were detonated by British born suicide bombers. God help us all.
 — larrylark

Wow! I'm sorry I didn't find this poem earlier. It is stunningly done. I love the lack of spaces between commas and words, which help to build up the suspense and urgency, and the sense of a mind intent on its own thoughts (line 5's neat compartments).

The internal rhymes work very well and create a lovely sense of flow.
Line 6 half-rhyme of 'vicious mist' adds to the striking dissonance of the image.
Line 8 clock ticking. Train clicks - so effective and onomatopoeic.

Lines 12-14 so poignant.

I really love this. Well done on writing such a thoughtful and effective piece.
 — smugzy

Thanks Smugzy

you  delivered a knock out crit. which i really appreciate

 — larrylark

 — unknown