| I Won
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bear
| Every award, every trophy | 1 |
everything I have ever been proud of | 2 |
Everything I have won, | 3 |
means: | 4 |
Someone, somewhere had to lose. | 5 |
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I am tired of winning. | 6 |
I am tired of competing. | 7 |
I hate my medals and trophies, | 8 |
the certificates hanging on my wall | 9 |
Because those bits of metal and paper | 10 |
mean: | 11 |
Someone, somewhere had to lose. | 12 |
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What is pride? | 13 |
I do not have a mane. | 14 |
I will not eat an antelope. | 15 |
And I HATE the desert. | 16 |
But still, I won. | 17 |
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Damn, I sound arrogant. | 18 |
Damn, I'm a right bastard. | 19 |
I never win. | 20 |
I have never won a thing in my life. | 21 |
I'm the one person who was in that place, | 22 |
who had to lose. | 23 |
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26 Jul 05 |
Rated 6 (7.2) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6, 8
Inactive (7): 5, 6, 6, 8, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(157 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
like l13. needs minor tweaks though.
— Gabriella
l13-17 are new, i didnt tweak it, i just added to it.
— bear
I love this. Simple.
— Cinder
I like this. I didnt expect it to end the way it did. Good poem. 8
— Rose_Romance
thank you for the nice comments and the high ratings, it makes me feel all warm inside.
— bear
interesting. good concept but i didnt really like where it went. the whole lion reference threw me off. the first part say that you have trophies that you are proud of, but the last part says that you never win. it can be symbolic but its pushing it.
— taintedtears
i like pushing things...
— bear
Change line 23 to who had to lose, since you're a person not a thing.
This is interesting psychologically. I like the way you put yourself into the winner's shoes, making him hate the win and the awards.
The pride image is obscure at first but it's clever. You sound like a person who is either terrible at everything or you're competing in the wrong venues.
— Isabelle5
thanks, will do
— bear
like your poem, "just jump", this has a great moral and i love how you have portrayed noth sides of the story, but as a poem i don't think it does much to affect the reader.
— Lia
the actually writing is the fall of me. i have good ideas, i just can't write them down well enough.
— bear
ah, but that's what we're here for huh? practising our writing?!
— asklepios
i do agree asklepois. thanks for reminding me of that!
— bear
i like the idea of the "if i win someone has to lose" the ending almost feels like you're trying hard to make the reader feel sorry for you or something.. overall not bad tho...
— denik
thanks, does it really seem like that? i really wasnt trying to make people feel bad for me, just to think about the things you have won and the affects on other people.
— bear
I love lines 13-17!!! I agree with the statement. Competion in all things is not beneficial to society or people. People sould not be forced to compete for there lifestyles(capitalism).
— INC8DYE
i am glad you agree! and i agree with your statement
— bear
unique.
— emptyepitaph
you had me up until the third verse. the lack of contraction usage in the 2nd line sounds stilted. people don't really talk like that. That breaks the illusion for me. Also, it's not clear to me what manes, antelopes or the desert have to do with trophies. You could have demonstrated the shallowness of trophies by simply different types of them such as would be found on an athletes' wall and the reader would naturally wonder after a while if the specific details of each trophy are really worth the space that's given to them in the poem. actually, on second thought, that might be a lltlle too extreme.
— paulie
i think he was using metaphors. like a pride (collective group) of lions.
— emptyepitaph
yes. a metaphor. thank you empty.
— bear
very good.
— unknown
thanks
— bear
How nice it was to be greeted with one of yours, at the home screen :)
This is choppy, it doesn't flow very well, too much "I"s and repetition, BUT I like it. I love the story. I would reconsider the last stanza, especially the words "Damn" and "arrogant" and "bastard", just because they make this less innocent.
But I don't think that you're revising this anymore.
— wendz
Nice ending, i like it.
— kitkatkarin
this is ok.
I would cut the last stanza down to maybe a couple of lines. Just one simple statement that allows it to break apart from the initial premise.
Otherwise it kind of goes on a bit...in fact the whole thing could be more concise..and to the point.
— DeformedLion
a well thought poem.
lines 6 and 7 could have been fine tuned ( I am tired of winning, competing).
also the plethora of "I"s are annoying a times.
but what a noble idea.
— trochee
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