What happens to lager's fizz,
when tins are carelessly frozen solid,
becoming canned ice?
Unnoticed, unopened, stowed in freezer
last night. Early AM drink to ease recovery?
Let it stand, or ease it onto window ledge,
near wedge of stale spilling pizza,
try to fill a glass,pass, while you and it
thaw out, hung over the sink.
Through the kitchen window,
across a nearby field, cattle blink,
slowly shifting in uneasy herds
to rhythm of desultory bird songs,
trampling a dusty hop yielding field,
releasing their bitter aroma
while bubbles stir under gently heating lid.
7 Aug 05
Rated 10 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 3, 8
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I love the title.
L1: that comma seems unnecessary. It's just an unneeded pause in the continuation. On L2, I'm sure you don't need the apostrophe in "tin's" because that's possessive. Is there a specific reason you why you didn't use an article before "freezer" on L4? If not, I'd suggest one. Seemed off to me.
Also, I would love L6-7, except having "wedge" and not "wedges" threw me off. :-/ I'm picky, I know. I looove L8-9. I just love that image. Because I know it.
On L13 when I read it, with the rhythm I had been reading with, it got hitched, or something because of the word "songs" where "bird" had rhymed with "herds" and I expected the line to end there. It didn't. Soo, I suggest either ending the line with "birds" (which might not make sense concerning the adjective), or changing the words around to "song-birds." Maybe? Maybe not. Just a suggestion. :D
I liked it.
Thanks for taking the time and trouble to make such a detailed crit. I will carefully concider all the changes you have suggested.
Excellent and evocative writing - subject matter treated with quite an original eye - the enjambment keeps the slightly off rythm echoing the subject matter and slightly fed up voice all the way through.
You called me Cinders. Heart. You're welcome.
Thanks for reading
I write for buttons
Larry pantomime dame Lark
I really liked it. I loved the language that you use- it's all really edgy and halted, but then you pull it together in the last stanza with some beautiful flowing words. Really nice.
This seems like something the caterpillar would recite to Alice in my most drunken dreams. It's great.
I liked this a lot. I did have some questions though as I read the piece. Lines 1-5 are a great beginning, sets up the whole idea of the poem. In line 7 pizza is described as "stale spilling," if it's stale then it implies that the pizza is old, crusty but then spilling indicates - at least that's how i envisioned it- drippy, oozing so that was a bit confusing, you may want to consider using a different descriptor for "spilling." line 8 - "pass" does the speaker mean pass out? if so why not just say pass out.
the rhyming scheme is well done, i like the way you didn't end each line with the rhyming word but chose to create a more subtle sound by the strategic line breaks made, ie fizz/tin's, ice/night, ledge/wedge.
the thing is, you need to learn the rules of english before you can break them. i mean, why try to follow some of them and attempt communication when you can just type gibberish? "tin's" is possessive, which would mean that the "are" is the thing possessed. aside from that, it's pretty good, even though i have never been in this position. i hear it sucks, so i never want to get drunk. take that, status quo!
OK OK OK No need to put on you academic gown, point taken and i stand corrected. You are a wise man to stay away from alcohol.
Larry demons Lark