poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Suburban Vampire Man
larrylark

You fled your impressive vampire home,
 1
nestled amongst acacias; a fascia of immaculate stone cladding;
 2
Pointed Gothic windows curved like extracted teeth
 3
Their glass worn and hanging like bad dentists' padding;
 4
 
 
Thunder and lightening had heightened your desire
 5
into a lusting thirst for blood,
 6
Then all  that frenzied fornication on the lawn
 7
Propelled you into bed before the dawn,
 8
 
 
Onto your black – clad back  streamed the light
 9
Past your shoulder onto auburn hair
 10
of the secretary temping in the dead girl's chair;
 11
Police and frantic relatives mount searches everywhere
 12
 
 
Ah you old roue, "Did you feel yourself out of sorts,
 13
while awaiting your fresh  Transylvanian imports?"
 14
A fever in the night rekindled those old flames;
 15
Young and fresh was what you sought and would not be fobbed off.
 16
 
 
 
 
Slinking in at nine to your office job,
 17
You even had the nerve to look concerned.
 18

16 Aug 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(652 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

nice vamp poem

i'd like to know a little bit more about the personality of your vampire.  the last two lines are well done.

the thing is, we all know about what vampires are:  you could make your vampire a stronger presence by describing particular personality traits. lns 5-8 could be make more smashing if made more personal.

i like it
 — cynthmala

Dear Cynthmala

He's very shy,guilty about what he's done,has a grandfather who emigrated to Texas,works for a blood donar company,likes flared trousers,has a goldfish bowl full of leeches and his favourite meal is Big Mac with fries followed by doughnuts and chocolate milk shake.

Larry hot on his tail Lark
 — larrylark

damn. stop writing good poems. this is much better than my vampire poem, although that's not really saying much.

funky rhyme, but i like it, except for lines 13 and 14. the rhyme there seems our of place, compared to the quality of the rest of the poem.

i was wondering, could you check out some of my poems? because i didn't understand some of the comments you wrote under them. i can't tell you are criticising them or if you liked them. probably the former, though.
 — Lia

sorry I missed it, Larry the vamping Lark.  This is exquisite!
 — Isabelle5

Dear Isabelle,

Opal persuaded me to promote this as it is one of her favourite poems of mine= it always suggests for me the time when we had just got married and were living in Paris - my favourite film I saw that whole year was Nosferatu fantome de la nuit with Klaus Kinski as the vampire. The whole night was extraordinary and will forever be burned in my heart. We went to the midnight showing and when the film was over we went to Montmartre and drank wine till 4 in the morning, so for me the poem is an attempt to recreate a magical experience with a little bit of murder on top.

Larry blood bank lark.
 — larrylark

Dera Lia

If there ever comes a day when i know what i am doing you will be the first to know

Larry dimensional Lark
 — larrylark

This is a great example of how sound and rhyme work well in a piece and not against it. At no time did it overpower the subject matter of the piece. I love the rhyme schemes found within the lines themselves, acacias/a fascia, lightening/heightened, black-clad/back, you/roue, good stuff!
I really like line 3, the simile reminded me of "crooked teeth" song, yours is just as brilliant.
I'm glad you added this poem on the "best poem" thread, otherwise I would have never discovered it ... hhmmm, the message board can be useful.  ;-)
 — redsky

Hi Redsky

This is a blast from the past based on a murder case where the guy who did the killing actually believed he was a vampire and is inspired, if that is the right word, by a night out in Paris which included a trip to see the definative Vampire movie Phantom de la Nuite. I think i must have been a careful writer when i wrote this because to me it now seems a trifle overloaded with the poetic devices you mentioned which makes it seem a bit contrived.Anyhow thats enough rambling and thanks for your very interesting comments. I think it would be a good idea to have a repost facility runnind along side this board because too many excellent poems vanish into a mist and are never seen again.

Larry fog bound Lark
 — larrylark

glad the best poem thread is working for some some of the time :)

l3 & l4 had me squirming in my imaginary dentist's chair, eww, that feeling between the teeth..

*crooked grin*
 — oracle

oh, Larry, this is just too good, it seems to be draining the blood from my face.

i sense the well-writing, of course, but didn't know it was you, which means your many voices are fluttering around beautiful like little bats soon to transform into the true amazement this poem gives ...

well, that doesn't make sense, but i don't care because this poem does indeed make sense, and of course your humor is there so i must say ...

thanks for making me smile, Larry. thanks.
 — listen

Dear Listen

do you know how hard it is to be a vampire. For starters you can't see your face when you're shaving

Larry blood lust Lark.
 — larrylark

0.213s