poetry critical

online poetry workshop



like a frog
onklcrispy

eating boxer shorts and wearing a bagel
 1
smoking the weather and watching cigarettes
 2
sleeping, not sleeping
 3
 
 
ineffectually struggle to keep my teeth from sliding back into my head to dine on my brain, or keep eyebrows from crawling off my head like bored caterpillars, and tongue from pulling my nose to the back of my head, or stop intense contracting of muscles as not to cause my epidermis to split like a damp napkin divulging oddly colored tissues for cat sniffage
 4
 
 
hands search feverishly for an activity, like two freshly birthed mammals searching for a tit, instead i just jettison myself back into myself and become a hazy shade of hazy shades
 5
 
 
nicotine tears creep out of their greasy ducts, march their parade of sorrow down a caffinated visage like condensation on an industrial strength dishwasher
 6
 
 
emotional hangovers, past, present and future, accumulate heavily in my gullet like a scorched out lincoln town car at the bottom of a ravine
 7
pickling innards, which if gravity permits, will soon be outtards
 8
 
 
like a frog with a rubber band tightly around its neck
 9
gulp and sputter and bulge and twitch
 10
contort and horf and grind and jerk
 11
spiral into neatly combed hair and batpole myself into acceptable attire
 12
attempting to convince myself that it’s the reflection, not the ripples
 13

this was written

6 May 03

Rated 9.3 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9
Inactive (22): 1, 2, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I just got completely bored with this.
 — unknown

me too.
 — onklcrispy

You hit the nail on the head. Especially line 4. Nice job.
 — capnorange

how does one "horf"(line 10)?
 — capnorange

psychotic, but smothered with truth somehow. i love it
 — unknown

You have a fan, me. What incredible style, thought provoking concepts and clever symmetry.
 — RSpiers1

the first lines drew me in, the second stanza (line 4) seemed gross somehow to me and detracted from the rest of the poem, which i subsequently loved. yeah, i actually just didnt like line 4.

if it were gone, id love this poem
and thats all i gotta say
 — starryme

i struggled with line four when writing this myself, and tried to take it out. but it best describes how i felt, physically, at the time. thank you for your comment, i will continue to torture myself for the next two days, and will most likely revise and/or reword it somehow.
 — onklcrispy

onklcrispy, what hospital are you in? i want to visit you and i promise i won't stay for more than a year. i love you.
 — unknown

im not saying 4 was terribly written, but just not of my flavor.
it is very true and real, but is distracting for me. me PERSONALLY.
maybe it disturbs me because it should..
... its really a matter of choice.

one persons trash is anothers treasure -- type thing.
so. do what thou wilt.
 — starryme

ok ;)
 — onklcrispy

Raucous and unassuming!
 — unknown

but instead i just jettison myself back into myself and become a hazy shade of hazy shades

nice, actually.
i like the use of metaphors and the sheer oddness of this. [snafu.]
 — shakeit

this is agreat poem. very discriptive and vivid and beautiful.
 — unknown

This was beautiful. You need to publish your poems, dude.
 — unknown

Lovely. The last line got me. I find personally that line 4 doesn't fit wiht the rest of the poem, but it's your poem, and it still works pretty well with line 4 there.
 — thesilencing

i like this a lot.  there are a few images you use that are completely shocking, unexpected.  i approve.
 — done

Smashin good. Damn. Ten. Ten. ENCORE!
 — SDreamer

A lot more sedate than other poems of yours. I have to admit, it's just okay, not astounding. (Some constructive criticism.) Line 7 really jumped out at me as fantastic, though.

There's not much you can do to "improve" this, in my unprofessional opinion. I like it, but not as much as others. Simple matter of preference.

Fanatically your lobster forever,
arienette
 — arienette

don;t like the tit thing. active feminist. stopped reading after line six. sorry i just dont like it. 2
 — unknown

I'm not quite sure why/how you thought I was being sexist, or anti feminist. And if stopped reading after line 6, how would you know if you liked it or not? Obviously you didn't give it a fair chance. I would like to read what you have written, so I have a basis for comparison as to what you do/don't like to read/write, that way I can decide if anything you say is valid.
 — onklcrispy

Pay no attention Onk...everyone knows you are one of, if not the best writer on this site. Someone was just looking to bring you down.
 — unknown

I love you Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr.Unknown. Thank you.
 — onklcrispy

I love you too, sweetheart.
 — unknown

i like it but you have plenty of comments so i wont go on, i'll go elswhere...
 — hank

I don't understand why i should give a fig about how you feel?

Still completely bored by this.
Charles Dickens after fifteen pints of Stella Artois and a good mugging.
 — unknown

i never asked you for a fig.
 — onklcrispy

dude, or chickie as the case may be..i can only say i wish i'd written this piece myself. but i stopped drinking and having hallucinations years ago. gotta have smoke in yer shoes to do this sort of stuff.  it's great! don't change a word. what's wrong with stanza 4? obviously some folks out there have limited experience. tell ém to go read some Lawrence Ferlinghetti.  meanwhile i don't know. try it one time without changing a word into some other format. the first 3 lines could be 6 lines easy.  etc.
 — unknown

My eyebrows used to try to crawl too. That was before I decided to pluck them. Now they just get so pissed at me, they stay right there, trying to make a forest between my eyes. Little fuckers.
 — thirdeyris

with nice descriptions it feels like it was written by someone with insomnia
 — mints

Nice form, idea and footnote to boot...bravo
 — JKukla

u guys r gay fags
 — unknown

you seem to have a way with the unusual, onklcrispy
 — mindful

Got some really interesting imagery here bordering on the grotesque which i like a lot. I think it could take a little editing as its a bit overpowering in places ,like being hit over the head with something really heavy,or maybe that was the effect you were trying to create. Overall a very creative and imaginative poem.
 — larrylark

Loved the twisted first three lines, got a little bored after that.  But of course, doing a whole poem in that reversed style would be overkill, so points for self-control. And maybe don't take the boredom seriously, my attention span is pretty much nil right now...so yeah, I just discounted everything I said. Great poem. Vair pretty words.
 — unknown

finally a sane person on this site.
 — unknown

read-it read-it
 — unknown

WIsh I can WrIte you as good as I.
 — unknown

This sounds so gnormal (abnormal!)  I don't get the frog connection but I love the creativity of some lines - the lincoln town car at the bottom of a ravine, the last 2 lines.  This WAS written, charmingly.
 — Isabelle5

L11- that's great
akchilly, th'entire
last group of words...

thanks- hope yer feelin' better
 — chuckles

I once wrote a poem when I was feeling like what I think this author was feeling like.  That poem went to the top of the Top Rated list.  This poem is better, Onkl.  It's just that you're over most readers' heads, and I am not.  That too is meant as a complement.
 — unknown

ugh! I hate frogs, but ah! I love this poem.
 — banditfemme

I miss you!
 — LauraLea2

oh well, very well, very good.
this was eaten from the anus up.
tasty shit. damn it!
: )
 — fractalcore

i disagree with sstarryme.  line four is my favorite.  amazingly visceral.
 — bergman1918

WOW I am in LOVE ...hahaha this is so fucking funne and yet it has
an honesty that is sublime but none-the-less full flow with your words!
great job- i enjoyed this down the last drop! 10 in my book!
 — unknown

Your adjectives and verbs are a bit gcse.
 — unknown

I love it when cigarettes are used in poetry.
 — Salamander

haunting flesh landscape
 — OKcomputer

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 — unknown

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Con el número creciente de fanáticos locos, la Camisetas Nba no solo está pensada para los jugadores.
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 — unknown

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