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fallings
hank

this morning in dream
 1
long chains end in chairs
 2
over bottomless pit
 3
concerned by
 4
thin chains that
 5
finally break fall
 6
into blackness not scared
 7
knowing no bottom
 8
more like suspension
 9
 
 
previous times falling
 10
in dreams to earth
 11
land coming at me
 12
wake in a start
 13
just at contact
 14

23 Aug 05

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
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Comments:

If you referring to this morning, everything after should really be in the past, not present tense. E.g.: long chains ended in chairs. I'm uncomfortable with the lack of 'the', 'my' and 'a', etc.  throughout, perhaps you wanted to create discomfort? But I can relate to a falling sensation in dreams, you seem to be describing vertigo, especially the idea of chairs above nothing. It's a nice image. Good poem, but that was made a little confusing for me, by the line breaks, missing pronouns and possessives and punctuation.  
 — unknown

ok. thank you.
 — hank

i get that often. nice work, :)
 — Mahagnare

smells like ass hank
 — unknown

you've a good nose.
 — hank

yesyesyes
the falling dream
apparently common

howzabout th'one
when yer teeth
are all
falling out?
 — chuckles

If you referring to this morning, everything after should really be in the past, not present tense. E.g.: long chains ended in chairs. I'm uncomfortable with the lack of 'the', 'my' and 'a', etc.  throughout, perhaps you wanted to create discomfort? But I can relate to a falling sensation in dreams, you seem to be describing vertigo, especially the idea of chairs above nothing. It's a nice image. Good poem, but that was made a little confusing for me, by the line breaks, missing pronouns and possessives and punctuation.  
— unknown

this was confusing to unknown because he doesn't know that this is a poem and not a newpaper article. you say very clearly that this is a dream, and dreams are a space in poetry, everyone knows that, and that there is a "dream grammar" just as there is a "poem grammar", and educated people learn this poem grammar, are educated by humbly acknowledging that the poem is written by the author and not by the reader.

this poem is awkward because the words are so unfriendly to each other, not in a dream space at all, but the concept and voice seems fine to me.
 — mikebauer

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