| poem for nichol ave.
|
katievideo
| yr semester check | 1 |
better spent | 2 |
on insolent smack and p.b.r- | 3 |
will i find you, cold and blue, | 4 |
laid out on the bathroom floor? | 5 |
december’s come and gone, | 6 |
carrying her boxes, bags, and bedsheets | 7 |
she stopped at the door and sighed, a | 8 |
layer of frost settling over an almost | 9 |
empty room | 10 |
| |
now, as may moves in, | 11 |
sweeps the carpet green, cleans | 12 |
i long to sprawl in the sticky sunlight- | 13 |
sit barefoot | 14 |
smoke a butt on yr porch | 15 |
wait around for you all night | 16 |
while you are glassy-eyed and nodding | 17 |
off | 18 |
| |
maybe this year won’t render me so useless, | 19 |
passed out like jesus leaflets | 20 |
maybe the caffeine twitches and | 21 |
oversmoking sore throats wil cease | 22 |
but this invisible limb itch remains | 23 |
(nagging reminder of our amputation) | 24 |
|
13 May 03 |
Rated 10 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (6): 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
i personally like this even more than "irony..." the only thing is that the yr always irk me, but i especially like the metaphors/similes.
— username
i like it. it's one than "reads" well.
— tinkerman
i like this, but the "yr"s irk me too. also, line 22, typo on "will." more later maybe.
— done
yeah, the "yr"s are annoying. otherwise, i like it. reminds me of death cab's lyrics.
— chartreuse
I like it. Kind of reminds me of me, but not at the same time. I want the 'sunlight' at the end of 13 to be 'sunlit' for some reason instead, though I don't know if it'd flow well. I'm cool with the 'yr's, in part because I use them too, sometimes, but the piece feels like it needs a bit more action to justify them (structurally, I mean, not content-wise). One thing to make certain of when using something like 'yr' (like using ampersands for 'and', for instance) is to make sure that you're not just using it because you're using it, only to use it when it's appropriate, and to use the normal version when appropriate. Here, to me, it feels appropriate, but it feels like it needs to be justified still.
— semaj
"Yr" bothers me too, tripped over it, but wonderful use of methaphor...vivid compelling images. Can't help wondering what it would be without the "yrs"?
— hatsoff
render you so useless. i bet you listen to the julianna theory...
— unknown
actually, i don't listen to the juliana theory, but i majored in art in college, so i'm familiar with renderings. :P
— katievideo
lovely, i like its tone, and the image of a frosted passing december, barefoot may, time that can't erase the soul's wound.
— nisetru
|
|
|