like a snail without a shell
i have left a lot of myself
in order to move
and not finding a patch
of moist grass before sunrise
am destined to dry
dead on the pavement
in the mid-day air
30 Aug 05
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Nice idea. I might suggest changing dead to dying for some additional oomph, the almost statement-like lines are a little flat otherwise. I'm not sure about Line 4 and 5 either, you could try merging the two, or keeping only one, as both don't seem necessary.
i think dead on the pavement has more oomph than dying. dead is dead. suggestion about 4 and 5 considering. thanks.
I liked dying more, because of the previous - destined to dry line, which implies the present continuous, I.e.: it's still drying, still dying. I also assumed you were talking about yourself in metaphor rather than a real snail. Dead seems a bit dramatic for a human, dying keeps the metaphor open. I'm a highly disagreeable critic, ask anyone. Though I don't really care whether you change or not, I leave that up to you.
The edits make all the difference, I might even clap were it not unseeming for a curmudgeon.
Did I mention dry and dying are phonetically close?
i liked this a lot, really unique idea. not much to crit here in my opinion, except that i would drop the hyphen in mid-day; midday is correct. creative; i wonder how you happened to htink of this?
Its a shame , you would think snails would move quicker without their shell and keep out of the sun .
one might think. it's a matter of where you are at the time.
there is always nair
come wittle snail
come come wid me
i have a shell for you so warm and wet and sweet
thsi is a really good poem. i really like it and it makes sense
i really liked this poem!