I have beachcombed nearly all the shores
Of my own internal isle,
Drift wood of tragic loss explored
burnt hottest in the fire.
I descend into the deepest chasms
Of my own internal isle,
Fossils of a million schisms
Beasts still living, few are wild.
Now I'm resting at an English fount
On my own internal isle,
Next the climb up to the mount
Exhibit there a holy smile.
7 Sep 05
Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (3): 8, 8, 9, 10
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Bit of a problem in line 8, yes? still living, few are wild.
Other than that, nice, nice, nice.
i looyke it, i looyke alaut
This is really nice. I can't decide if i like the repitition of "my own internal isle" or not. hmmmm. also...I would take "the" out of line 4 so it is just "for fire". I love schisms. I want a schism.
i like this
i'll sell you mine, cheap.
have changed for kitkat but different.
Rather good images, but the structure is a little unsettling in places. I don't think you need 'the' in line 5; maybe a comma in line 8 after 'living'; no 'and' on line 9.
Like the 'i' voice and the general feel.
hottest fuel sounds colloquial.
like. that fuel is a hottie. wow.
made me laff.
shouldn't the fire be hottest instead.
fuel for my hottest fire?
8 comma. invite me to breath.
hmmm. nice melancholic tone building to hope.
good rhythm and other flavourful inner-mmm.
needs a twiddle though. uhuh.
i was nice.
even though i'm miffed.
you used oscar.
and i didn't before you.
i lovelove the name oscar.
what is it about 8 that bothers you? you really wan't to jam that comma in there.
Very well written
I like Oscar and Hank.
I don't like commas in line 8.
I still like schisms but i can't afford one and if i had one I might take it for granted.
as an after-thought, perhaps Kal is right with the "fuel for the hottest fire" thing.
ok, now i'm really having trouble. kitkat AND kal are in agreement which means something must be done. maybe this is better. thanks girls.
Its always better with two girls.
i want to jam a comma up your arse. i am not a girl. i am fée.
whether you put in a comma or not. i will read it with it comma.
and 4 seems pedestrian now. light touches hank. treat your poems like the most fragile sculpture.
you don't have to please me. i only act like you should. because i can.
laters brother wolf.
Why don't you want a comma in line 8? It is desperate for punctuation.
of beasts, still living, few are wild.
of beasts still living; few are wild.
of beasts still living few, are wild.
Why don't you just show us, by way of punctuation, how you mean this line to read?
Yes, I am punctuationally obsessive.
of beasts still living, few are wild
I know too but I want that comma dang it
I know, too, but I want that comma, dang it!
to make a point - *.*
Isabelle - you've gone comma crazy!
hank don't bow to the pressure!!!!! stay comma free or you might become addicted!!!
isabelle, you've just illustrated to yourself why that line has not punctuation. you're welcome to read it four times to yourself with any punctuation you like. me, i read it just fine without. oh, it's poetry, feel free to pause at any time, with or without the comma. do what comes naturally.
i've changed back to what is on my 8.5x11 white sheet of paper in black ink. this one's a goner.
Good images. I really like, even though I'm not the huggest fan of structured rhyming poems, this is one of the few exceptions that I have come across in a while. I really love it. NICE!
this popped up random. i like all the stophes, the third one
most of all.