poetry critical

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for oscar

I have beachcombed nearly all the shores
Of my own internal isle,
Drift wood of tragic loss explored
burnt hottest in the fire.
I descend into the deepest chasms
Of my own internal isle,
Fossils of a million schisms
Beasts still living, few are wild.
Now I'm resting at an English fount
On my own internal isle,
Next the climb up to the mount
Exhibit there a holy smile.

7 Sep 05

Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (3): 8, 8, 9, 10

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Bit of a problem in line 8, yes?  still living, few are wild.

Other than that, nice, nice, nice.
 — Isabelle5

i looyke it, i looyke alaut
 — nullus

This is really nice.  I can't decide if i like the repitition of "my own internal isle" or not.  hmmmm.  also...I would take "the" out of line 4 so it is just "for fire".  I love schisms.  I want a schism.
 — kitkat

i like this
 — unknown

i'll sell you mine, cheap.
 — hank

have changed for kitkat but different.
 — hank

Rather good images, but the structure is a little unsettling in places. I don't think you need 'the' in line 5; maybe a comma in line 8 after 'living'; no 'and' on line 9.
Like the 'i' voice and the general feel.
 — opal

hottest fuel sounds colloquial.
like. that fuel is a hottie. wow.
made me laff.
shouldn't  the fire be hottest instead.
fuel for my hottest fire?

8 comma. invite me to breath.
12 likewise.

hmmm. nice melancholic tone building to hope.
good rhythm and other flavourful inner-mmm.

needs a twiddle though. uhuh.
 — kaleidazcope

i was nice.
even though i'm miffed.
you used oscar.
and i didn't before you.
i lovelove the name oscar.
 — kaleidazcope

what is it about 8 that bothers you? you really wan't to jam that comma in there.
sorry kal.
 — hank

Very well written
 — Adrielle

I like Oscar and Hank.  
I don't like commas in line 8.  
I still like schisms but i can't afford one and if i had one I might take it for granted.
Nice poem,
 — kitkat

as an after-thought, perhaps Kal is right with the "fuel for the hottest fire" thing.
 — kitkat

ok, now i'm really having trouble. kitkat AND kal are in agreement which means something must be done. maybe this is better. thanks girls.
 — hank

Its always better with two girls.
 — sir_I_clan

i want to jam a comma up your arse. i am not a girl. i am fée.

whether you put in a comma or not. i will read it with it comma.

and 4 seems pedestrian now. light touches hank. treat your poems like the most fragile sculpture.

you don't have to please me. i only act like you should. because i can.

laters brother wolf.
 — kaleidazcope

Why don't you want a comma in line 8?  It is desperate for punctuation.

of beasts, still living, few are wild.
of beasts still living; few are wild.
of beasts still living few, are wild.

Why don't you just show us, by way of punctuation, how you mean this line to read?

Yes, I am punctuationally obsessive.
 — Isabelle5

of beasts still living, few are wild
 — opal

opal knows.
 — kaleidazcope

I know too but I want that comma dang it

I know, too, but I want that comma, dang it!

to make a point - *.*
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle - you've gone comma crazy!
 — opal

hank don't bow to the pressure!!!!!  stay comma free or you might become addicted!!!
 — unknown

isabelle, you've just illustrated to yourself why that line has not punctuation. you're welcome to read it four times to yourself with any punctuation you like. me, i read it just fine without. oh, it's poetry, feel free to pause at any time, with or without the comma. do what comes naturally.
 — hank

i've changed back to what is on my 8.5x11 white sheet of paper in black ink.  this one's a goner.
 — hank

Good images.  I really like, even though I'm not the huggest fan of structured rhyming poems, this is one of the few exceptions that I have come across in a while.  I really love it.  NICE!
 — Emilily

this popped up random. i like all the stophes, the third one
most of all.
: )
 — fractalcore