| a portrait traced in the sand
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kaleidazcope
| i know only one thing - | 1 |
the rest is me. | 2 |
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i recognise myself | 3 |
in the softness of the curves | 4 |
traced in the sand. | 5 |
| 6 |
i see | 7 |
only the outline | 8 |
of people. | 9 |
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the landscape shifts inside; | 10 |
a glance, always at the edge, | 11 |
which reveals itself as i run | 12 |
toward it. | 13 |
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i seek the centre, | 14 |
draw apart my arms, | 15 |
find the sides, and turn | 16 |
to look into its face. | 17 |
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somewhere between, | 18 |
exists a pair of eyes | 19 |
inside a space. | 20 |
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i watch the sea | 21 |
run to meet me. | 22 |
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8 Sep 05 |
Rated 9.5 (8.8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 7, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 2, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(4 more poems by this author)
(8 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
nice poem.
— hank
the original title was nice.
but it didn't fit.
it was.
a portrait traced in the sand without a girl shaped pastry-cutter.
oh well.
— kaleidazcope
This is as blunt as a sand dune. I love the subject. As honest and naked a self-portrait as I could hope to find. One stanza of my latest poem portrays a similar sentiment.
Lines 19-22: I've felt that way since I was a little boy.
The beginning and end are terrific bookends.
I'm glad you're back.
— housepoppy
I enjoyed this poem, not only did you make it vivid and pointed, but the formatting is beautiful as well.
— gem_grrrl
the outline of people. the sand the breeze. I liked the last stanza (lines 23 and 24!)
I love the structure also. I like how it shoots over to the edge. I (right now) am playing with structure, and this is a grand stucture.
— misterpoet
Softly beautiful. I love this.
— winter
wish i wish i could write like this
never
but at least someone can
wan smile
— noodleman
awesome.
— electricity
thanks.
noodleman you sound more like charlie brown every day.
ps. i can do the beagle. now that is something my snoopy pants can be proud of.
— kaleidazcope
I like the title..but i dont think your poem fits with it. I like the idea though. I'd give this poem a 6 =)
— forevergone
thank you.
what do you think the idea was?
what do you think would make for a more appropriate title?
— kaleidazcope
i'm sick of chucking questions into the dimming divide. like a bleached-blond brighton-bell-boy.
— kaleidazcope
i like the 5th and 6th verses how the sort of ryme and fit together. is the form of the poem, like how it looks on the screen, supposed to look like curves in the sand? Was that your intent? Lines 19-22 are really good. I'm not sure what the intent of this poem was, wheather it was about self-image or what. it still was pretty good.
— infinity
good stuff.
— unknown
good questions inutile.
yes. the shape should be reminiscent of sand and tide-lines and such.
it's also a 3 dimensional poem, with three different readings.
down the left, then right, then altogether.
it could be about self-image. it's certainly about self. but also about understanding.
if i invented a religion this poem would be the meaning of life, self and everything else.
— kaleidazcope
i found the missing line i knew i wrote. pockets the brighton bellboy. perfect.
— kaleidazcope
this is so soft. it's comfortable, comforting.
especially the last two lines.
smile!
midare
— midare
This is very good
i love the format!
— SojT
yes!
and no
— unknown
the identity found in sand? well, my reading. nice poem.
— varun
i was going through a destructive phase of trying to explain what it is to "be" when i wrote this. trying to articulate that which is unarticulatable. i can't read this again. in doing so i would undo existence.
thank you all for reading it for me. the world is safer that way.
— kaleidazcope
> good questions inutile.
infinity asked the question, i believe.
but yes, it was a damn good question.
just like this is a damn good poem.
— inutile
i often see double infinity. wink.
there. now the world is back to its rightful unified self.
thanks for your words hon.
— kaleidazcope
is the repetition of "only" significant? if it is, i suggest you repeat it again later in the poem, if it's not, i suggest you get rid of one of it.
— inutile
see, i knew i'd read it. and commented.
did i ever thank you for this? no.
well, thank you.
it is quite deconstructive. have you ever read it again?
— unknown
i started to once, but the ground began to shake and a baby blackbird fell from its nest at my feet. dead. i'm not a cruel person. i love the world too much to end it.
thanks. smile.
inutile. you have me over a barrel. i can't answer that question without rereading the poem. laugh
lucky then that i know. that the only thing i know, is that i only see the outline of people.
line 1 stanza 3 link in
line 2 stanza 2 link in
the second only should go probably.
— kaleidazcope
no i don't agree with myself.
i need to think that one through.
i'll get back to you inutile.
— kaleidazcope
my favourite line is line 10. because i have felt it too often to be exactly like that.
if you read the first line of every stanza, you find another poem.
lines 1, 3, 7, 10, 14, 19, 23.
interesting. i think that is the essence of this work.
you write so well. *sigh* ;)
— unknown
thank you for noticing the small details.
i hope you don't mind but i'm going to pop it off the top rated list.
it's a quiet poem. to be kept a secret like the the walled gardens in london town.
i have funny notions. sorry.
— kaleidazcope
i think funny notions are the best.
pixels can wait, can they not? they weighed too heavy on me so i quit. now i make films freelance.
i've been to the walled gardens. they're gorgeous. even during the day. i miss london. it's a nice city.
— unknown
yes. i'm not working today.
i don't feel like it.
the luxury of homeworking and the phone being silent. eh?
you have a good sounding job there.
but i feel like writing now.
to make the most of this precious quiet time.
i'd like to catch up again.
it has been very pleasant.
all the best to your friday and to you.
— kaleidazcope
where's that blue bucket?
— unknown
i like this. and will now go and dream of the sound of sea forming me..
— oracle
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