poetry critical : poem

Winter-Spangled Emptiness

Well it's getting cold again	1
And the smell brings me back	2
I spent last winter dreaming about you	3
And the tears are moving in again	4
To live in my eyes	5

I'd be amazed if you didn't know	6
In fact I'm amazed even so	7
That you could just ignore	8
The eyes I made at you	9
The time I lost for you	10
The love I kept for you	11

And even though	12
It's over now	13
I'll spend this winter dreaming of your eyes	14
And how they couldn't love mine	15
And how I couldn't blame you	16

I don't know how far I loved you	17
I left for you the writing on the wall	18

10 Sep 05

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Comments:

Yo, people, comment on this s'il vous plait?
— alana

use a more structured format - if not in rhyme, then at least in actual formatting of the verses

ln1 and ln 4 - did you mean to repeat "again?"  if you drop "in"  ln 4, it works just as well

cut ln 9

ln 18 - This line is vulgar (common) when you are describing such a personal subject and letting the reader into your thoughts.  Of course, you could mean it literally, (- what writing?)  but it doesn't come through as literal and it is too vague for the reader to guess about it.

Do work on it.  Don't let it go. :-)
— cynthmala

the voice is good ... but i think you can match your punctuation with the voice by removing the capitals on the lines; especially since you don't have periods.
  you can probably leave "I" capitalized, though.
— listen

Ha ha. "Vulgar." Wow.  Thanks for the comments, what's wrong with line 9 though?
— alana

I love the title, it's so flippant.
— Roz

perfect.
— listen

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