poetry critical : poem

Tassels in the Wind

Sand castles and wind blown tassels	1
Fill the cavern in my mind.	2
Somehow they move within me	3
Yet stay at bay outside.	4
I stand under a tree and thunder, all has gone asunder.	5
The wind blows outside of me and my inside is affected.	6
Filled with fading fantasies and then gone on the count of three.	7
The wind blows outside of me and the outside is unaffected.	8
Fortified with fortresses and then there for the poor dressed me.	9

10 Sep 05

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Comments:

Regarding the content, I didn't find anything amazing in this, though I promise it is enjoyable. :)
  I love the title, though maybe it could be "Tassels of the Wind." Maybe.
  You could probably break the "Yet stay at bay outside" line from "I stand under a tree ..." line.

  I liked this.
— Hear

this is a very interesting concept.
I hope the author returns to it and revises and edits.
I know that sometimes we get bored with our own poems, or some writers even get overly attached. But this poem could be excellent if the author returns and has another few sculpting sessions.

This is my vision of your poem in its next (not final) phase

Sand castles and wind
blown vessels fill the tavern in my mind.
Somehow they stir within me,
yet stay
at bay outside.
I stand beside a tree;
the wind blows
outside of me.
Filled with fading fantasies,
my wrapping unaffected.
I'm fortified for the poor
who dared dress me.
--------------------------------------

sorry for the liberties I have taken. Disregard anything that compels you
to go ~  meh ~
— banditfemme

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