He'd had enough,but so rich a vein
of profuse apology was his garbled
"Sorry guv," as he trod on my foot,
I thought he might pour his muddy pint
of scrumpy in my embittered glass,
contents he'd knocked over
as he staggered past.
Socially tortured,lured far outside
conventional sense, seemed he'd
arrived back unsure from unfathomable
dreams to reside among us slack jawed,
unclean,startled if asked opinion
of football team, lineage of kings
or to join in the singing of popular tunes.
Feeling kind,bought him a pint,
out of my mind? Left cash for a couple more.
Later heard from a little bird he'd been thrown
out through the door,brawling,nose bloodied,
cheek scored. Got in a stew about some name
he'd been called,or a vague insult that flew.
After hours, pitch dark, he peed among flowers
in the local park. Feeling grand, back on his own land,
in command,soundly sleeping as dawn crept
among bushes,pillowing his flushed, once handsome
countenance against a weathered hand, curled
into a fist,white knuckles kissed by fading moonlight,
beaming through his shrouding blankets of mist.
13 Sep 05
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I like this poem because it reads vividly and can be understood on a number of levels. The use of commas draws attention away from the poem and reminds the reader that you have an agenda or an aesthetic that is consistent throughout your work yet remains unexplained.
a lot of '-ing' L22-L27
a lot of gratuitous internal rhyme
L10 line break splits modifier/noun
firstly, is this poetry? it doesn't read like it to me, it doesn't read well at all in fact.
Far from reading vividly, I think its pretentious sounding prose.
also, just wondering, "Feeling kind..." - is that possible? I mean, kindness isn't a feeling but an act; you can be kind or 'feel like being kind', but can you feel kind??
i guess you can call it poetic license but again, is this poetry??
It's a good story too. b00 are you a jealous God?? jeez give the guy a break.
Sorry to bother you again, your poem's got me thinking.. If it's not too personal, I would be interested to know what your thoughts are on "painting with words" in regards to your use of commas and poetry in general. I especially liked lines 21 to 27.
Wonderfully rhythmic and poetic as well - this is an excellent poem apart from a couple of line breaks that I might change, but its not my poem, but perhaps worth considering. This works so well.
This poem reminds me of the old bum in Groundhog Day. This is a vivid portrait.
White knuckles kissed by fading moonlight - like that a lot.
Unfortunately my bum is very old
oh this is great!
I love the word tramp.
In answer to your question i always paint a brief thumbnail sketch on heavily embossed paper before i start to write depicting a scene from the poem. Then i get a bunch of people from my street to act it out in the local pub improvising as the go while i make copious notes and then i cut up all the words throw them in the air and when they land i ask Opal to make them into a poem for me.
that would impress someone like me, no doubt. cool.
I don't want or need to impress anyone
wow lovely poem, very lucid. i's be luvin it nigga
ok so I've re-read it and think my main issue with it is I'm feeling minimalistic with writing atm, and the language in this seems excessive. I should've known it was larry's; clearly a good writer but this to me seems too prosaic. I think people are too easily impressed with your use of words, but this just doesn't do it for me.
and what is it with the comma thing? is there a reason for it?
I guess i was tring to imbue him with some granduer. Recover him and give him a place where he is king so prosaic seemed appropriate,but maybe it is a bit self conciously flowery in places. Thanks for the crit by the way.
yeh, that makes sense. Fair enough, but perhaps that fowards the stereotype that bums are idiosyncratic noblemen, quaint denizens of the street; we all know better than that. hehehe apologies to any homeless reading this
keep on writing, you have some great poems (and this one)
I appreciate your interest in my work and always will
Larry humble Lark
Bugger off, and take that Scottish wanker who you are so closely related to,away with you.
Sure i will loz which Scottish wanker are you pertaining to?
I may have got it wrong but maybe i am barking up the Irish tree.
how nice for you.
Last stanza makes me love this.
i liked L21-L27 the best. "he peed among flowers" made me smile
I guess when you think you own the park you can pee where you like. Thanks for reading
don't understand run-on-line 9-10.
like it well - nice style