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Tramps Round.
larrylark

He'd had enough,but so rich a vein
 1
of profuse apology was his garbled
 2
"Sorry guv," as he trod on my foot,
 3
I thought he might pour his muddy pint
 4
of scrumpy in my embittered glass,
 5
contents he'd knocked over
 6
as he staggered past.
 7
 
 
Socially tortured,lured far outside
 8
conventional sense, seemed  he'd
 9
arrived back unsure from unfathomable
 10
dreams to reside among us slack jawed,
 11
unclean,startled if asked opinion
 12
of football team, lineage of kings
 13
or to join in the singing of popular tunes.
 14
 
 
Feeling kind,bought him a pint,
 15
out of my mind? Left cash for a  couple more.
 16
Later heard from a little bird he'd been thrown
 17
out through the door,brawling,nose bloodied,
 18
cheek scored. Got in a stew about some name
 19
he'd been called,or a vague insult that flew.
 20
 
 
 
 
After hours, pitch dark, he peed among flowers
 21
in the local park. Feeling grand, back on his own land,
 22
in command,soundly sleeping as dawn crept
 23
among bushes,pillowing his flushed, once handsome
 24
countenance against a weathered hand, curled
 25
into a fist,white knuckles kissed by fading moonlight,
 26
beaming through his shrouding blankets of mist.
 27

13 Sep 05

Rated 9 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Inactive (6): 5, 7, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I like this poem because it reads vividly and can be understood on a number of levels.  The use of commas draws attention away from the poem and reminds the reader that you have an agenda or an aesthetic that is consistent throughout your work yet remains unexplained.
 — Roz

a lot of '-ing' L22-L27

a lot of gratuitous internal rhyme

L10 line break splits modifier/noun
 — unknown

firstly, is this poetry? it doesn't read like it to me, it doesn't read well at all in fact.
Far from reading vividly, I think its pretentious sounding prose.

also, just wondering, "Feeling kind..." - is that possible? I mean, kindness isn't a feeling but an act; you can be kind or 'feel like being kind', but can you feel kind??

i guess you can call it poetic license but again, is this poetry??
 — b00

It's a good story too. b00 are you a jealous God?? jeez give the guy a break.
 — Roz

Sorry to bother you again, your poem's got me thinking..  If it's not too personal,  I would be interested to know what your thoughts are on "painting with words" in regards to your use of commas and poetry in general.  I especially liked lines 21 to 27.
 — Roz

Wonderfully rhythmic and poetic as well - this is an excellent poem apart from a couple of line breaks that I might change, but its not my poem, but perhaps worth considering. This works so well.
 — unknown

This poem reminds me of the old bum in Groundhog Day.   This is a vivid portrait.
White knuckles kissed by fading moonlight - like that a lot.
 — Isabelle5

Dear Isabelle

Unfortunately my bum is very old
 — larrylark

oh this is great!

I love the word tramp.

Fav
 — themolly

Dear Roz

In answer to your question i always paint a brief thumbnail sketch on heavily embossed paper before i start to write depicting a scene from the poem. Then i get a bunch of people from my street to act it out in the local pub improvising as the go while i make copious notes and then i cut up all the words throw them in the air and when they land i ask Opal to make them into a poem for me.
 — larrylark

that would impress someone like me, no doubt.  cool.
 — Roz

Dear Roz

I don't want or need to impress anyone
 — unknown

wow lovely poem, very lucid. i's be luvin it nigga
 — nullus

Thanks Nullus
 — larrylark

ok so I've re-read it and think my main issue with it is I'm feeling minimalistic with writing atm, and the language in this seems excessive. I should've known it was larry's; clearly a good writer but this to me seems too prosaic. I think people are too easily impressed with your use of words, but this just doesn't do it for me.

and what is it with the comma thing? is there a reason for it?
 — b00

I guess i was tring to imbue him with some granduer. Recover him and give him a place where he is king so prosaic seemed appropriate,but maybe it is a bit self conciously flowery in places. Thanks for the crit by the way.
 — larrylark

yeh, that makes sense. Fair enough, but perhaps that fowards the stereotype that bums are idiosyncratic noblemen, quaint denizens of the street; we all know better than that. hehehe apologies to any homeless reading this

keep on writing, you have some great poems (and this one)
 — b00

Dear b00

I appreciate your interest in my work and always will


Larry humble Lark
 — larrylark

Dear Roz

Bugger off, and take that Scottish wanker who you are so closely related to,away with you.

Larrold Lurk
 — larrylark

Sure i will loz which Scottish wanker are you pertaining to?
 — Roz

Dear Roz

I may have got it wrong but maybe i am barking up the Irish tree.
 — unknown

how nice for you.
 — Roz

Last stanza makes me love this.
 — Cloudless

Nice
 — Barnabee

i liked L21-L27 the best. "he peed among flowers" made me smile
 — puddles

Dera Puddles

I guess when you think you own the park you can pee where you like. Thanks for reading

Larry
 — unknown

don't understand run-on-line 9-10.
like it well - nice style
 — greenmantle

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