|Happiness Is A Bum Face
Early this morning after coffee and juice,
I squirted my backside with hair gel and mousse.
Powdered my dick, bouffanted my hair,
left toe nail cuttings all over the chair.
Hacked off my beard,trimmed up my 'tache,
went under the matrass to draw out some cash;
accosted a tramp who stood in the road,
swapped him a fiver for his camel hair coat.
A sudden stiff breeze lifted my toupe,
blew off my sideburns and the front of my suit.
My nipples erected, my hair stood on end,
I looked God's gift to women and also to men.
Arrived at an orgy at quarter past nine -
it was members only, and I couldn't find mine.
Drank a stiff whisky, looked in the glass,
Who is that man with a face like an ass?
Next morning I looked in the mirror and saw
my testicles stuck to the side of my jaw.
I snipped 'em and trimmed 'em, polished 'em up.
Now everyone knows that I don't give a fuck.
16 Sep 05
Rated 6.7 (7.6) by 9 users.
Active (9): 4, 6, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 5, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(694 more poems by this author)
(9 users consider this poem a favorite)
Add A Comment:
not very nice.
A classy piece from start to finish - nasty but sublime.
Boredom and a vivid imagination.
"I snipped 'em and trimmed 'em, polished 'em up.
Now everyone knows that I don't give a fuck."
Great presentation skills :)
lol truly shameless
I think it should be--now everyone knows that I give a fuck...because you snipped em and trimmed 'em and polished 'em up...so obviously you give a fuck.
This is real funny man.
Yes apathy,exactly. When you go into a trance like state induced by complete indifference to the disgusting society that you have to live alongside ,all sort of weird things surface from the primeival soup.
Interesting, I think I would like this a lot if it were written in prose -- the narrative and characterization is so strong and so well worth telling, but I find the prosody amateurish. I don't mind if you get p.o.'d at me for my bluntness, because I klnow you are my peer. I just thought I should say you needed a tighter meter and and avoidance of forced sentence structure here tomake the poem enjoyable as a poem. lol, tis funny, though.(9)
Hey Roz lighten up. if your as old as me you only got some temporary time left. Maybe 25 years in a fair wind .Can't waste it on wondering about motivation. I'm just releived things still spring into my head ,some of which i can write about and hopefully conect with other people
thanks for the laugh larry funny lark.
Cute. Change the title though to Happiness Is A Bum On Your Face!
unknown, can't get much lighter than "motivation?". as for "if your as old as me"
what if I'm not, what then? I'm not allowed to question things because you're old, I don't think my tutors at uni would go along with that, even now.
whatever, still a funny old poem, Larry.
thanks for the further comments ,i really appreciate them and i'm glad you laughed at this one as that was my primary intention in writing it. As for being old i feel incredibly young in my head ,its just that physically i'm starting to crumble. I stand by what i said- that boredom is a great motivator. I've written a lot of what i consider my better work waiting in the car for Opal in Sainsbury's car park.
You want me to send you a spelling kit? I uwse one all the time.
I love it! LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE at first read!
Your comment has put a spring in my step
I don't like this, Larry. It's just doesn't jiggle my funny. The rhythm is lovely but the rhyming goes from bang on to iffy from L7-10. Your little story is just nonsensical crap with testicles and tits. It feels like you've banged this off in ten minutes whilst feeling over frisky. I've read much, much better of yours.
I've got to agree with you. The more i look at this one the more it seems like a pile of testicles.
Larry golden balls Lark
Line six: "mattress"
Nice to see your spelling and comma spacings are as atrocious as ever. Thank you for such a wonderful poem, anything with testicles, asses and old drinking geezers always make me laugh. Especially testicles; I love testicles.
I,m real glad you find this old geezer so funny. Personally i cry every time i look in the mirror in the morning but thats probably because i,m eating a raw onion sandwich while squeezing my zits.
laughing so hard at 13-14 my accountant came in to see what was going on , so I quickly dropped the screen and she gave me that look that says " porn " . Thanks Larry .
Guess what sir-I-clan ,i have found my membership card lying on the floor in th eoutside toilet and guess what? Its stiff with cold.
Larry arsenic arse Lark
Please stop Larry , you should know there is only so much laughter for each day and you have already had your quota .
I love your humor.
I love you
If only it were just humour but you stop laughing after a while if they keep on happening to you.
The feelings mutual
Just to let you know I printed this off and pinned it on my office wall ,
it fell behind my computer on the floor ,
can't wait till I am tidying up and find it .
Dear Sir i can
When you find it will you please post it to my Aunt Fanny who thinks i'm a right cunt but is worth a mint and if she sees i'm bursting with talent she might reinherit me.
This is really fucking good. Godly, in fact. Perfect. No criticism here.
Makes me laugh in the morning .
why is this on the top rated list? why do people love profane things?
Because they don't like the order they have to submit to in their every day lives guided by hypocracy and the self interest of those who think they know best how we should live?
Larry high octane profanity Lark
I have no comment to make, except to say that i seem to be following Larry around this place today
this makes up for the disapointment I felt reading the "episode IV: Jabba the hut is gay" poem moments ago.
my bum is smiling....(?)
nope.. that's not it.
Your bum can only smile if your arse has teeth.
Larry the gnash Lark
Very funny, thank you so much larrylark!
I hear your laughing
Larry wor a hoot Lark
ha ha ha, brilliant.
it was members only and i couldnt find mine--very funny
oh, this is just a fun piece and thank you
don't be angry no more, just laff along with Uncle Larry.
Larry split grin Lark
Uncle Larry is a fine upstanding member of many many clubs, for in Britain if you are not in a club then you are nothing short of a social out cast.
Larry wandering in the snow Lark
Larry you have a fine set of cahonas on you there - with your good looks and charms and obvious gifts i have no hesitation to offer you life membership to the Mongrolian Orgies of Depravity Club - we have monthly meetings at the local church hall.
very interesting. very good.
U must realise that a talented beautiful person like wot I is am very much in demand for pubic speaking and ripping off adoring old ladies corsets., so unfortunately i will not be able to fit you in this side of Christmas ,so to speak. I will however send you a DVD of my specially trained parrot singing The Wasteland By T.S. Eliot. I do hope you will find a use for it.
Larry Squawk stuffed men Squawk Hollow men Lark
It's a good read. After a second read, I think themolly may be right about the last line though.
keep rocking the words. it was pretty awesome reading this interesting bit of art.. gives me a new perspective of life.. do make more for i shall share it with my dear friends at home
i've testicles on my jaw as well. much better location for to scratch them.
where i live, the short form for moustache is 'stache...
not that you give a fuck. ;)
That's beautiful, man!?!
It comforting to know that there are people out there that I've never met in my life.
Larry enigma Lark
larry lark, for me is the best poet in on this website, soo good!
this is a great poem. thank you making me laugh.
An ingenious and very funny poem. I like it! Comic poems---we need more of them;
especially blackened around the edges. Kudos!
i don't think i've heard anything as brilliant as lines 13 14 in a while
and this nonsense commenting just backs up the greatness of it all
OMG!!!!!!.....I'm still laughing my ass off at this....to funny..... :)
I don't like profanity or crude things. But when looking at poetry as poetry, you have to put that aside at times and look at it for what it is. And..it's good. It gets people's attention and I know you wrote it to make people laugh but underneath, it shows people something they might not see unless the crude hit them in the face - which this does. So from a personal standpoint - it's too crude and I don't care for it. From a poetry standpoint - it's really good. How's that for a useless comment lol
I love how you spotted how i strive for effect and to bring people up with a jolt though this poem actually is a fairly accurate decription of what usually happens when i go on a bender
Larry round the bend Lark
Larry amateur poet Lark
I think I heard this poem on RawDog
I sometimes let other poets have my work to boost their confidence after all I've plenty to go round
Larry cocky boy Lark
o you naughty little lark!
this was delightful.
I could have sworn,
(like fuck, hell... I'm sure I had commented on this before!).
but I obviously hadn't.
I know I read it though. sorry to have not commented at the time.
I remember clearly enjoying every word. It's hilarious.
Also, I love poems that make me want to swear.
It depends on whose bum is in yur face.
Please don't swear on my threads as it is so fuckin' rude
Larry cunt features Lark
glad you liked it
Larry bottoming out Lark
Thank your luck. I am a top.
you are a top and my head is in a spin.
Larry these foolish things lark
You are one funny, funny, man.
This is just filth and nastiness. 2/10
you let loose all the way here. very good job with that, could have been dull had you not kept the humorous tempo going. why did i even say that? the word dull shouldn't be under this poem.
did you mean mat(t)ress?
Henry is a very dull boy who knows nothing about poetry, just look at his picture. larrylark is a god while henry is a mere bum faced brat.
I do hope you haven't offended dear Henry with your injudicious remark.
Larry none taken Lark
Happiness may indeed be a bum face; however, a university education appears to breed its own particular species of North Enders.
Line two is an absolute arsehole, what’s up college boy can’t you count.
Opal must be proud of you. Cap and all.
In the top rated? Top rated what? This is total shit. The king is naked you foolish people.
It was written with total shit in mind.
Larry asshole gel lark
don't write crap larry
fuckin dumb shit
I never rite krap as I don't know how to spell it.
Larry shit on a shovel Lark
I will have to admit of cracking a very small smile on reading it this time. I will still need to give a spelling lesson. C-R-A-P is poopy.
Smile though your heart is breaking, although a tear may be ever so near.
Larry the sob Lark
i recommend this to anyone who's having an off day
If I were having an off day then i wouldn't be able to find the poem, now would I? lol It's the kind of poem that I just shake my head and say, of all the poem material in the world, you had to pick this?
weak ending in my opinion.
the rhymes are cheesy but in a sort of double dactyl / limerick way, so it could work, depending on your intentions.
line 8 bothers me; it feels one syllable too long, rhythmically.
thanks much for the read; i enjoyed it,
Thanks for the complementaries.
perhaps a described image of one's self?
actually made me laugh.
This is more like me than i ever was
larry trawling his soul Lark
Hardly awesome but thanks anyway
Larry scribbled down in a minute on the back of a fag packet Lark
This could be better. It had me thinking of Midsummer Night's Dream. I like the title and the idea, but the language does nothing for me. I would end on Who is that man with a face like an ass? It would be so fun to have a man wake up with a butt for a face. Thanks.
Lucy, who has a screaming toddler and can't be more helpful
Happy new year to you and Opal.
yeah, this funny piece.
this has been top rated for a while, hasn't it?
brilliance pays off.
not the number one in my book
an unknown book, so no one will ever know.
You were extremely helpful
Larry anus head Lark
one of your more inspired!
ha. fun stuff
I like your work. You always seem to amuse me.
not one Pearson said to write this different
Hey, Where the fu*k is larry, He made me giggle
I am telling you he is keats, if not tell
Thanks Larry, loved sophie.
Showed my family.
fucking snipper poem
LOL oh squeal hilarious. thanks. F