| 3000 Vows of I'll Never (theSUPERedit)
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themolly
| Everyone ends up upside-down...
| There once was a magic girl, | 1 |
supernatural effortlessly. | 2 |
Though a giraffe in the stampede, | 3 |
she passed through regally; | 4 |
unnoticed, costumed frequently. | 5 |
Her fires so well sewn within charms, | 6 |
only a fool ablaze in her gaze knew of her arms. | 7 |
But now the power is gone. | 8 |
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The used to be magic girl | 9 |
of the tricky trinity | 10 |
denied her legacy to all who heard | 11 |
in blasphemous integrity | 12 |
to have a rarity she'd found beyond her throne | 13 |
she offered her birthright to never be alone. | 14 |
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Alas, for the custodian of a lesser health, | 15 |
as for the benedict who so coveted her wealth, | 16 |
he is wrapped safely in heavy mortal arms, | 17 |
his ego, their invariant circling reward; | 18 |
ever proclaiming her virtue | 19 |
with his three thousand vows of I'll never. | 20 |
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His words fall like cannon balls through her tarnishing crown. | 21 |
As each horrid epiphany reaches the ground | 22 |
her tears applaud in mad glorification, | 23 |
a wonderful soundtrack for her inaugural degradation. | 24 |
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A wave cracks around her as vestal pores flood. | 25 |
But she is smiling. It feels too good. | 26 |
The revelation painted in her frantic eyes... | 27 |
this is the most real moment of her life. | 28 |
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16 Sep 05 |
Rated 8.3 (7.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 7, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 4, 8, 10
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Comments:
nice. needs rhythm work. i'll rate later
— unknown
rhythm work? Where?
— unknown
i thought it might be too obscure
— unknown
Wow this is amazing!
— unknown
thanks
— unknown
metallica rocks!!!!!!!!!!!
— unknown
boners are cute.
— unknown
whatthefuck?
— unknown
eLLo?
— unknown
who said boners are cute? whattheheck?
— themolly
This is dramatic and beautiful.
— unknown
WOW**YOWZA
— Estrella
the title grabbed me, the flow kept me, and now I'm going to read it again BECAUSE I LOVE THIS
— tiedtoes
thank you very much everyone.
Any suggestions
— unknown
--wow--
thank you
— unknown
though atypical/however unnoticed do not flow well for me....don't get me wrong. I love the internal rhyme, but not those particular words.
Something is amiss with line 11.
22-23 need help: it should be in glorification OF something.
24-25 are not strong enough to wrap this up.
I'll come back.
— BoundFeet
I made some BIG changes. Let a sista know.
— unknown
pleez
— unknown
Occasionally clumsy in its rhythm, but beautiful in imagery and rich in language.
line 7 Too many beats for the rhythm
line 15 And for the hand she's been dealt -- This thought isn't fresh
line 21 Cannon balls through her crown? -- Forcing a rhyme on this one with a murky image
line 25 Levee of sweat and Armageddon flood do not work
line 27 Do not paint an animal's eyes: it will bite you
The opening stanza pulled me into this work -- supernatural effortlessly is an incredible phrase, particularly when combined with the first line.
I gasped at: "Her fires so well sewn within her charms" -- Again, incredible. line 7 dragged it out, but it couldn't steal the beauty.
The second stanza is well written.
The third, while depending upon an easy rhyme, has good thought.
The fourth stanza needs work, but keep the three thousand vows -- Others are envious that you wrote it first.
That fifth stanza doesn't have the same oomph as the previous. You are reaching here, for both rhyme and vision. Have another look.
Keep line 26 from the closing stanza, but rethink the rest. Same idea, but a different vision. Armageddon and sweat won't work.
With all that said, I will read this again and again. Those first four stanzas have so much.
— alicedark
wow. thankyou very much for the thorough critique! I really mean that.
I promise revisions SOON!
— unknown
Take this advice: never rush a revision. Think about it for a week, a month. Take your time, consider each word. There is much good thought in this work. A rushed revision could hurt that.
— alicedark
OK!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it better??
— unknown
by the way...I am the anti-procrastinator.
things to do get done around here
:)
— unknown
I really like this more now. Thank you so much for your help Alice.
— unknown
I have not forgotten you. But just as I suggest time in revisions, so too, do I take time in considering them. I have re-read, but am not yet ready to comment. I must think about what I see.
— alicedark
I would love more input on this one.
— unknown
ne1? ne1 with time to comment?
— unknown
not you!
— themolly
who? ME?
— unknown
Its not bad but as you recognise it needs work but a lot of interesting ideas and energy.
— larrylark
thanks lar. Do you have any specific suggestions to improve the poem?
— unknown
help. somebody.
— unknown
I agree that the rhythm is difficult and the cacophony makes reading it a tough job, even though I think that was the purpose. The allusions don't seem to make sense, as the 'trinity/ denied her legacy,' the repetition of magic still doesn't seem to answer what this 'magic' is. Just criticism and questions...
— unknown
ok...
I'll mull that over.
Thank you.
— unknown
changes.
— unknown
huh? I didn't write that!
— unknown
ok...
— unknown
?????a lil' remix
— themolly
OOOOOOOOOOO hot stuff
— Estrella
spanks
— themolly
everyone finishes upside down
— unknown
that too
— themolly
Well cool! i know you will take this the way it is intended; It's odd and i love it.
— loonytune
wow. thanks
— themolly
tedeous.
— balancing
don't you mean tedious?
— themolly
eh?
— themolly
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