| the not so apologies of a man who used to love you
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turtlepoet
| I apologize for the lack of structure but it allows you a little leway to take the words in a way that touches you where it should at the time
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| I apologize for being honest | 1 |
...to a fault. | 2 |
I apologize for being the man | 3 |
my mother raised me to be. | 4 |
I apologize for being devoted, | 5 |
my motives true. | 6 |
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I apologize for being pompous; | 7 |
thinking | 8 |
"if I open up and show her me | 9 |
(an honest, | 10 |
caring, | 11 |
passionate man) | 12 |
then all the others will just fade away". | 13 |
I apologize for being impatient and wanting you, | 14 |
now. | 15 |
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I apologize for wanting more | 16 |
(and less) | 17 |
out of life than the rest of the world, | 18 |
wanting only to be loved | 19 |
and happy, | 20 |
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money hardly an issue, | 21 |
and posessions | 22 |
even less. | 23 |
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I apologize for my obviously distorted | 24 |
morals. | 25 |
I must be distorted | 26 |
to want nothing more | 27 |
than to make someone else | 28 |
have a better day. | 29 |
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I apologoize for seeing | 30 |
the things I have | 31 |
in my life and allowing those memories to harden me... | 32 |
in some ways. | 33 |
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I am so sorry | 34 |
for losing my faith, and forgetting to pray. | 35 |
I apologize for not listening | 36 |
to him when he spoke almost audibly to me "YES. SHE IS YOURS...NOT YET" and not believing. | 37 |
Most of all, and above all else I apologize for being myself...and appearing too good to trust. | 38 |
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20 Sep 05 |
Rated 7 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 9, 10
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Comments:
thnk you all for even reading this excessively long rant format paragraph poem
— turtlepoet
apologies
— themolly
thnx molly
— turtlepoet
you're welcome, love.
I really want this to have structure. Insert breaks and cut some of the fluff.
I like the idea of this.
Let me come back to this after you rework.
— themolly
k molly it's ready for your approval:)
no more changes just what do you think
— turtlepoet
i like the last line. "appearing too good to trust" that's good. the rest though . . . i feel like you're not really apologizing, but just . . . saying i'm sorry so that the readers know you're not sorry at all, but just pointing out the absurdity that you should be asked to be sorry for these things. sounds very spiteful to me.
— unknown
it is that was the point these things that women want and so many of them are afraid of basically it was me venting
— turtlepoet
to good to trust ties it all together they are what I see as good qualities and it makes me seem false
— turtlepoet
I <3 you.
don't ever feel the need to apologize to me...
...unless you really mess things up, haha...
kisses for you baby..
— onlyXyours
I love when people criticize but don't have the balls to leave a name and place where I can kick their ass
— turtlepoet
L1 you don't need a comma if you are going to have an elipisis on the next line
L2 i suggest you moce the elipsis to the end of line 1, (without the comma)
L3, when you read this aloud, you don't need a comma. so don't use one just to make it match the rest of the stanza, because as i said before, you don't need one on L1 either.
L5 here, you do need the comma. good.
L9 don't need a comma (seriously, you don't need commas at the end of each line, the line breaks show the pause and emphasis, so you only need to use commas how you would when writing in prose)
L10 if you want to emphasise your impatience, i would edit this line to say "right now"
L11 change the full stop into a comma so lines 11, 12, and 13 are all the same sentence.
L12 remove the capital, accordingly with the change to line 11
L14 change full stop to a dash, maybe.
L17 please just say "so sorry", not "soo sorry"
L18 & 19 i just don't like these lines. i would suggest you delete them altogether, but i don't think you would want to do that, but if you could re-write them a little. L18 just doesn't seem to fit, and L19 goes with L18.
L20 "too good to"
as for the headnote, i was going to suggest you delete it, but since it matches the poem, it seems almost intending to be humorous.
— inutile
Good ideas but more structure would pull it together and tighten it up
— larrylark
This is really cool. I DO like the structure. Good job on that. The part I seem to like probably the most is the fifth stanza lines 24-29. I think it's quite well written. Lastly, I think the last line might be better read if there was a comma after Most of all, and above all else, ...it sets up what you're saying and I think it;s correct grammer too (but that could be wrong). hehe
I <3 it!
— meghanmidget
if you ever get this message ...
very structured in spite of the look. its the power, voltage of the words that carries this out. i love what you have to say. the title fits so well. this is a work well done.
— listen
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