| i had another nightmare
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aeturnus
| he started by biting | 1 |
each of his nails | 2 |
when there was nothing | 3 |
left to do. | 4 |
and after a time, | 5 |
it began to grow | 6 |
to more of a hobby- | 7 |
whittling them down | 8 |
to the where the | 9 |
skin would meet | 10 |
the hard top and | 11 |
he'd see how much | 12 |
blood he could suck | 13 |
from beneath his skin. | 14 |
but as the hobby | 15 |
turned to obsession, | 16 |
he started to bite | 17 |
the cuticle as well | 18 |
and nibble pieces of | 19 |
excess flesh from | 20 |
the tip of his fingers. | 21 |
and he'd do this | 22 |
all day long, staring | 23 |
at the windows of his | 24 |
class. and he'd get hard, | 25 |
like some voyeur watching | 26 |
girls change clothes, | 27 |
thinking how he was | 28 |
doing his naughty bit | 29 |
right here in front | 30 |
of everyone. and they | 31 |
could seem to care less. | 32 |
so he built on apathy, | 33 |
wearing away at his fingers, | 34 |
till he was sucking on them | 35 |
long enough to take off skin | 36 |
but when he started | 37 |
to take in children | 38 |
and suck their bones | 39 |
people noticed, taking | 40 |
him away a small room | 41 |
so he could embrace the | 42 |
warmth of tightly knit | 43 |
straight-jackets, and chains | 44 |
weighing him down. that | 45 |
was years ago and he's | 46 |
long dead. so last night, | 47 |
i didnt think much | 48 |
when i passed out of the | 49 |
tingling on my toes, | 50 |
but he visited me- | 51 |
cold eyes and long hair | 52 |
covering yellow teeth | 53 |
and bad breath from years | 54 |
of abuse- he crawled on top | 55 |
of me and lowered his | 56 |
head to my neck | 57 |
and sucked. | 58 |
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21 Sep 05 |
Rated 6.5 (8) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 1, 9, 10
Inactive (12): 2, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(71 more poems by this author)
(8 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Well-wrought nightmare, told in a catch-your-breath style. Line breaks excellent. Progression perfect. This is a frightening vision.
— alicedark
thank you :)
— aeturnus
holy hell fire. this is ridiculously fantastic.
10
fav
— themolly
awesome :) thanks :) i love you all!
— aeturnus
woah, this made me shudder.. usually at the sight of a long poem, i won't read it.. but yours kept me going! very suspensful and very well written :)
— gears
wow, thank you -- that means a lot :)
— aeturnus
Gah.. this.. Will give me nightmares.
Well done in freaking me out! xD
— carox3
:)
— aeturnus
Oh boy. Ohhhhhh boy. Bloodfetish will like this one.
— wendz
let's see :) where's he at? :-D
— aeturnus
He deleted all of his poems and left. It's a shame. He would have liked this one.
— unknown
oh, that sucks.
— aeturnus
Will hopefully get back to this on Monday
— Isabelle5
this is pretty.
— astrophel
Very, very good! In terms of poetic form, you could tidy some of your line breaks. As for content? WoW!
— ka
awesome. how should i work on the line breaks?
— aeturnus
You ah...make this big bulge of writing into little stanzas. Probably where it changes the mood of the reader, or changing scenes. Something like that.
I like this poem.
— DeathShards
i dont think i quite understand, DeathShards. could you explain some more?
— aeturnus
Hmmm. Where it changes scenes, moods, points of view. Stuff like that. When something changes, you put a line break but I think they should be evenly spaced like there would be 4 lines and then line break, 4 lines and then line break. Something like that.
— DeathShards
but would arbitrarily spaced stanzas really be that effective? i mean, 4 lines and a break would work for the first one, but then what about where the next one wouldn't come naturally for another 10 lines or so? and how about near the ending when the pace quickens?
i dunno, i'm not much for putting stanzas in all my poems. are they eraly that important for something like this?
— aeturnus
Only poetry this good could lure back into the snakepit: This is brilliant. Get it published.
— Bloodfetish
This shocked me. That doesn't happen easily.
I thought it to be rambling at first, but not anymore. Maybe you could split it into stanzas, though. Just a few, because I think it would help with reading ease.
However, that might be a bad suggestion, as the solid form here works, once you read it.
Either way, this is a favorite. The ending is perfect.
— Hear
thank you, that is very kind.
i'm curious though, if i were to split it into stanzas, would the varying length be distracting?
— aeturnus
Maybe try spltting into stanzas after 14, 32 and 'down' on 45.
41 - to a small room.
great content
— hobby
The varying length wouldn't be distracting. It would help the reader look at it in pieces, perhaps even phases, as that is what the character is going through in this.
I love this though. You HAVE to know that.
— Hear
this is incredible. at first, i didn't know what you were doing by not piecing it out into real stanzas, but as the scenes started changing and morphing into new ones, i realized that i was getting pretty reeled in. bizzarre, beautiful.
— aebarden
aww, someone rated this a 7? but it's pretty :'( what was wrong with it?
— unknown
gross. and prose like, which is fine... but just so.
— unknown
I don't like it much. Very hard to tell what's going on at times. Also, it's more of a narrative seperated into lines.
The only upside is it seems to be very emotionally lacking which i think adds to the piece. I think it is to be spoken in a monotone whisper with no pauses for periods. (Or, that's how it comes off to me)I don't rate poems.
I give this an "Eh" for effort.
— unknown
yuk.
— hank
Powerful, but needs breaking up into bite size chunks...well thats my opinion...well done
— WilliamGruff
I think 'tightly knit jackets' is obvious enough, without 'straight'...also, 'bad breath from unbrushed years'? take 'and' out of line 56 and put a comma instead. Otherwise I don't want to think about this poem anymore which you could take as a good or a bad thing.
kitkat
— unknown
line 41 typo, "to a" Other than that, I love it, love it, love it. It also makes you think. Wonderful.
— shadowskiss
THAT WAS HOTT good job.that was flippin sexxy!!!!o_0
— bloodstained
Well...that was gross...in a good way.
You did hit on a pet peeve of mine though: and they / could seem to care less.
It's a phrase we hear nearly every day: "I could care less" *shudder* when what they actually mean is that they could NOT care less.
— housepoppy
okay... uhm.... wow. where do I start. this is a very good poem... but I don't understand the first part of it. Now I realize this creature was a child molester... but what does biting his fingernails have to do with it? And evidentally, he became vampier? where does this fit in?
I realize this is supposed to be a nightmare... but I just don't undrstand how is supposed to connect together.
The funny thing is... I felt my heart racing, even though I didn't understand it...
— unknown
I like it a lot up until the end, I just thought the direction changed too fast too quickly, but it is very nice and well written and I didn't want it to end.
Line 9: "To the where the"
delete the first the.
:)
— wraze
el infierno
tanto amore
tanto horrore
tanto chistoso
burp
gianduja por favore
nothingisshockinganymorenoryourunderwearsnorthequeenofjordan
— unknown
wow....thats grotesque and completely erotic at the same time....way to go! rare ability to be disgusted and turned on at the same time! AMAZING! 10!
— LycanStorm
holy fucking shit.
impressive and haunting.
— wemsntdspair
Awesome!! i loved how u made it seem so real!! it is a great. defiantly a good horror story
— onyx12098
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