| an indiscretion
|
spaces
| there is a great golden | 1 |
hollowness that lives | 2 |
inside your bed. | 3 |
| |
three nights i spent | 4 |
sprawled diffident | 5 |
and lazy-made, | 6 |
to fill with oozing tousled head -- | 7 |
| |
i climbed within the | 8 |
hollowness inside your bed. | 9 |
| |
i felt her breath | 10 |
pressed deep within the sheets | 11 |
but moist fingers that | 12 |
slowly drag to stain | 13 |
can strike all thoughts dead. | 14 |
| |
strange, to find illumination | 15 |
in this feckoned, burgled bed. | 16 |
|
21 Sep 05 |
Rated 8 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 8
Inactive (1): 9
(define the words in this poem)
(56 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Oh, I like it
I like it a lot!
Thank you for the taste.
Maria
— slancho
lines 12 to 14 got me to pause breathing
well done, poet!
maria
— slancho
There is so much that I love about this--
I was confused at first about the switch from 'you' to 'her',
but I get it now, and it makes me dig this even more.
One question though--
did you mean 'fecund' in line 16?
Nice work.
— Krttika
Quite striking from title to 16.
There is a moment's confusion at the pronoun change of finding "her" in line 10 -- but a quick remembrance of the title cleared it instantly.
I think "that" on line 12 could be safely moved to begin line 13. Ending 12 on moist fingers gives it a better feel.
— alicedark
I want it to be inside instead of within 8.
The fourth stanza has so much going for it, but it's not really working yet. I'll have to think about that.
I like the last two lines VERY much.
— unknown
|
|
|