| My Incurable Vanity
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bear
| A fly on the wall | 1 |
watches my ev'ry movement. | 2 |
I'm jealous of him. | 3 |
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22 Sep 05 |
Rated 7 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 8, 10
Inactive (8): 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(157 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
my first try at a haiku, hope you enjoy.
— bear
why are you jealous? are you so concieted that you envy his being able to watch you; do you want to watch yourself?
i don't get it.
it's sorta good though, i like the first two lines. but, it only works if "every" is said quickly as two syllables. i think i would like it more if i understood what you are showing me.
— Lia
Neatly done. Who said flies know nothing.I have managed to house train one so that he never steps on my meat.
— larrylark
lia, u basically have it. i'm not in love with myself. but wat if i were? and there were no mirrors in the room with me. i would be so jealous of a fly that can look at me, but i cannot see myself.
thanks larrylark. u do a lot of crazy shit! i love it!
— bear
change the title then, to give us a clue of what you mean in the poem. it is a bit ambiguous as it is, but maybe that's what you wanted?
— Lia
good call lia, i think i will change the title.
— bear
lol, yes!
— Roz
haha thanks roz, glad you enjoyed
— bear
ditto what roz said, only with more exclamation marks.
and thanks for the edit in line 2. i'm such a pedant sometimes.
— Lia
haha, thanks lia. i say every fast and then i realized it was three syllabels! thanks for catching that.
— bear
Lol! I love it!!!! My favorite haiku ever!
— Emilily
it is good, isn't it?
(but mine's better, hahahaha. i wish)
— Lia
thanks emilily, i'm glad you like it!
ur my favorite lia!
— bear
favourtie what? :D
— Lia
girl from the land down under
— bear
good poem! short poem to descirbe a deep meaning! you being jelous of an outside observer because of your own vanity.
— infinity
What does incuriable mean? Did you mean incurable, as in not able to get rid of?
You don't need a comma at end of line 1. Spell out every, for Pete's sake! You saved one letter, what's the point of that? If you want to make it fit, make movement move instead - watches my every move. I guess it depends on if you say Ev ry or ev er y.
The poem is clever and definitely shrieks of vanity! Get a mirror you can hang from your forehead!
— Isabelle5
thanks infinity, i'm glad you like it!
Isabelle! made the gramatical and spelling changes. I say EV RY and i guess lia says Ev Er Ry, so i changed it just for her, I don't think it really matters, does it?
— bear
"every move" sounds crap. most people say every as 2 syllables anyway, but i thought since it's in haiku form, every syllabe counts.
— Lia
well i thought most poetry was meant to be read aloud anyway? i don't know, i'll just leave it the way it is.
— bear
i love this
— unknown
i'm glad you enjoyed
— bear
nice, my spider stares me down.
— crepaway
thanks
— bear
this is pretty good, probably better than mine. (; form is correct. 3rd line has a good surprise like it should be preferred. yep. good jorb! (;
it's cute.
— ducktape
cute is always good!
— bear
good haiku!! it's a well-packed punch.
— wordlover
thanks wordlover!
— bear
haha, thats good to hear!
— bear
this is kinda perfect.
— SteelAngel
thanks!
— bear
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