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Afterbirth Cursing a Female Incarnation
themolly

I knew something I forgot.
 1
I was a different someone,
 2
but she is gone.
 3
Boys can pretend
 4
when girls cannot.
 5
They put their head in the dirt
 6
and let the rest rot.
 7
We only see their legs
 8
miming okay.
 9
 
 
Girls get tired.  Girls want more.
 10
We aren't wired for a pretend world.
 11
We are too real when we bleed.
 12
We can't make believe we're clean.
 13
We are too real, so we scream.
 14
We can't pretend it's not happening.
 15
 
 
We knew something.  We just forgot.
 16
We've been millions and millions of us, then gone.
 17
The boys can pretend when the girls cannot.
 18
Stiff unmanned legs are all we've got.
 19

24 Sep 05

Rated 8 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 6, 8, 10
Inactive (1): 8

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Comments:

any input?
 — unknown

thank you basketpacker.
 — unknown

wow.
 — listen

thankyouverymuch listen.
 — unknown

line 19 is great
 — noodleman

thanks noodle.
 — unknown

Thank you for drawing my attention to this one.

I very much understand where you are coming from. I can't say if your perspective is true, right, wrong or whatever but I do understand it and it is your perspective and it makes perfect sense to me. In a certain mood I would totally agree with all of this and in another I might not.

It is very personal, immediate, has the ring of emotional truth and I really like it.

Well done.

smugzy
 — unknown

wow.  thanks smugzy.
 — unknown

the feeling i get is that it's just not done yet.
but very nice raw material and voice.
i like 19 too.
and i like scream rhyming with clean.
thats a nice couplet with a little work.
you can probably make this poem better and better.
gnormal
 — unknown

cool. thank you gnormal.
 — unknown

Line 1 - forgotten.  Yes, I see that it might wreck the next couple of lines but forgot isn't correct for this.  I kind of want to see line 19 in reference to the women, not the men, actually.
 — Isabelle5

eh--so it's not proper English.  Oh well.  Most of the poetry I adore isn't proper.

Don't change that line.
 — unknown

I don't think I will...but thanks anyway Isabelle5
 — unknown

this is a vivid social commentary.  phab.
 — unknown

Tell you what - I really like this - a lot. It needs a little work is all and you'd have a wow! poem. Lose the cliche (heads in the sand - why be specific? Let them hide their heads - see my take below for my idea which is by no means a rewrite - just something to consider.)

I knew something.  I must've forgot.
I was a different she; someone long gone.
Boys can pretend
when girls cannot.

They hide their heads  
and let their brains drop.  
We only see their legs
pretending it's okay.
    
Girls get tired.  Girls want more.  10
Girls aren't wired for less than before.
We are real.  We know how to bleed.  12
We can't make believe we're clean.  13
    
We know something.  We mostly forgot.  16
The boys can pretend
when the girls cannot.  18
Their unmanned legs are all we've got.  19
 — ka

thanks ka.  I'll stink about it.
 — unknown

changes gALorE!
 — unknown

i said galore
 — unknown

this is MUCH better.
 — unknown
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