| Neverland
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Peter
| You broke through— | 1 |
The incredible efforts | 2 |
Of my mind | 3 |
To paint the images | 4 |
Of a comfortable reality. | 5 |
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Just a moment sooner | 6 |
It was fluid with | 7 |
Depth and meaning. | 8 |
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Now, as I gaze through | 9 |
The hole exposed by | 10 |
A more solid truth; | 11 |
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That reality hangs | 12 |
Like curtains around a window | 13 |
Revealing a world of | 14 |
Wonder, | 15 |
Imagination, | 16 |
True life. | 17 |
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Its fragile nature now | 18 |
Naked & exposed | 19 |
With curled edges | 20 |
Like an old worn out photograph | 21 |
Yields to the truth below. | 22 |
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Unfathomable. | 23 |
Untamable. | 24 |
A raging sea. | 25 |
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This is where you are; | 26 |
In the depths of a reality | 27 |
Too wonderful and | 28 |
too terrible | 29 |
For my waking mind. | 30 |
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Few have dreamed of this place | 31 |
Choosing the safety of | 32 |
Routine and normality. | 33 |
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Fewer have seen it with | 34 |
Waking eyes | 35 |
(Though only briefly). | 36 |
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Fewer still live there. | 37 |
They are the insane, I think, | 38 |
Trapped in a place beyond | 39 |
The capacity of mortal | 40 |
Mind and soul. | 41 |
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Already, I see the threads | 42 |
Spreading across the breach. | 43 |
The arachnid efforts of my mind | 44 |
Frantically scamper | 45 |
To cover that which | 46 |
It can not hold. | 47 |
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Yet, I sense that | 48 |
This is what I’ve known to be, | 49 |
What I’ve looked for all along. | 50 |
Hidden by the artful veil of my mind— | 51 |
Decorated and perfumed. | 52 |
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27 Sep 05 |
Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 7, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I like the format very much, your grammar choices as well. I thought your poem wordy at first but then I re-read it and found it OK. L37 - either do away with it or blend it with the rest. L22 - maybe yileds instead of yileding. The line breaks in the first four stanzas read somewhat strange to me but maybe this is just me. 7th stanza is great ... it got me to keep on reading the poem. YOu remain attractivley enigmatic till the end, though sometimes too enigmatic. Goog job and wonderfully painted pictures ...
Maria
— slancho
Thanks, Maria! Good suggestions. I'll look at these areas. I wonder where I get too enigmatic?
Anyone else have thoughts or suggestions?
— Peter
i can really relate to the Spider reference in the second to last stanza. we all fall prey to our routines and cultural norms/standards. thank you for this beautiful expression of a deeper truth to an otherwise mundane life.
— unknown
Any more thoughts?
— Peter
L37-41 - wonderful, very well done. The poem reads much more unified though I am not sure unified poetry is always the way to go. Don't critics tend to focus way too much on stupid formalities rather than on the content ... I wish not be partake in that. YOur poems creates its own flow and there is little in terms of stanza lenght I would do differently, in fact, I like the way you skirt around placing borders around your own writing. What I mean to say is that the line and the stanza breaks interest me in the way in which they relate back and forth to the poem as a whole. I like the middle part of the poem the best. Really, do not bother too much about changes, just go with your heart. Well done! And thanks for your comments in turn
Maria
— slancho
I do not know why, but I liked Torn better as a title.
Hmmm ... did I really?
maria
— slancho
anyone else?
— Peter
Very cool.
— unknown
"the artful veil of my mind"... true.
— unknown
hmm...
: )
— fractalcore
wonderful poem
— nisetru
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