| why guys confuse me
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kandiekay
| all i wanted was the daisy | 1 |
i want to pick that daisy | 2 |
but the daisy doesn’t like me and it won’t let itself leave. | 3 |
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but the rose, the rose wants me | 4 |
but i do not want the rose | 5 |
with it’s prickly imperfections it is not worth the beauty. | 6 |
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but the daisy does want me! | 7 |
but the rose still wants me | 8 |
daisy and rose are buddies so gives up does the daisy. | 9 |
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so now daisy doesn’t want me | 10 |
but now neither does the rose | 11 |
‘cause rose knows daisy wants me and knows that i want the daisy. | 12 |
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so now i have no flowers | 13 |
and i come home with no flowers | 14 |
so i go to the front yard and instead of two i pick three. | 15 |
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28 Sep 05 |
Rated 9 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 9
Inactive (4): 7, 8, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
hahaha, that last line was quite humorous. Really though, guys are simple. It seems like you understand the situation perfectly.
I like the subtle irony of refering to them as Rose and Daisy. Pretty things, stereotypically, but also feminine.
— oblivious
i agree, nicely done!
— thematrix
good one
— Odin
hehe. well said.
— SteelAngel
wow!
— Roz
i think it's trite, personally.
your language seems somewhat childish in places, or at least your word setup as a whole does, if not any particular word/phrase.
i don't know. i can't decide whether i like it or hate it.
— shakeit
lol cool stuff!
— WildSymphony
Thank you all for your opinions. shakeit, how do you think I could improve my word setup? I was trying to go for a kind of rhythm but I'm not sure how well that worked. Any ideas from anyone?
— kandiekay
hahahahhahahahahahaha!
— noodleman
if you want to tighten this up, try
1. using a strict metrical cadence
2. don't invert line 9. that's deadly.
3. lose a couple of words (ie line 4 "but", line 13, "so") that are better implied.
nice analogy, i love daisies. buttercups too. i hate carnations unless given by the right person and dyed an obnoxious color.
keep the voice childlike throughout. it works. i also like the flowers for men. busting sterotypes is nice here because it accentuates the universal analogy rather than the obvious flower=feminine.
good work.
— noodleman
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